Quick Makeup Looks

Who wants to wear a face full of make up in the hot summer months? Here in Baltimore it will be 85-95 till mid September. So here are some links to my quick makeup looks to keep it light and easy and quick for summertime beauty.

Fun and Flirty 5 Minute Look

This is a great for when you want to look like you put in some effort but are really short on time. The purple pops and people always give me great compliments.

Sun Kissed 5 Minute Look

This is the perfect look for the pool or the beach. Very minimal effort but it will make you look like you've spent more time in the sun then you actually have,

Edgy 5 Minute Look

Summer outdoors concert? Date night at the beach? If it's too hot for a full face of makeup but you want to look cool this is the way to go,

Pop of Color 10 Minute Look

This is a fun easy look (although the wing takes an extra minute or two). Perfect for colorful summer clothes and accessories.

Bronzed 10 Minute Look

Feeling pale? No time to sun bathe? Or simple better at protecting your face from the hot summer sun? This is the perfect look to look like you've spent your summer in the sun when in fact you've been locked away inside.

Illuminated 10 Minute Look

This is one of my favorite quick looks. Who doesn't love to glow?

Classic Beauty 10 Minute Look

This look works year round but it should be in every girl's arsenal. Give it a try, you too can master a wing.

Where Everybody Knows Your Name. And They're Always Glad You Came?

No not really. Two is there to test a mother's resolve. This week at my Bible study, the question "Do you find that you seek the approval of others more than God's?" was asked. Yes was my answer and damn that is difficult when you are toting around a two year old.

I have recently come to the conclusion that Scarlett isn't hyperactive, but I still am. She holds her own against me, most of the time. But sometimes I take it too far, push her too hard, and she collapses on me. Then there are consequences. Big ones that sometimes result in her being tired and cranky for days. But her behavior in public isn't entirely my fault. She is loud, obstinate, and physically aggressive all on her own. She can be a really sweet kid. For an only child she shares really well, but often has to be reminded to do so. She says please and thank you, she apologizes as soon as she has done something wrong and follows it up with a hug, even with strangers. But when she is not being sweet she is really obnoxious. I hear all the time. "Oh she's just two", usually from people not in the room at the time. All two year olds act crazy from time to time. Right, so why is my kid crazier then the other crazy kids? Oh she's not, it just seems that way to me. Ah, I see. No I don't.

Because she is an only child, with a stay at home mom, and not in day care or preschool yet, I work really hard to socialize her. She takes dance classes, cooking class, goes to story time at the bookstore, goes to Sunday school, and has a play date at least once a week. By the second week of any activity we do, the teacher and usually the other parents all know Scarlett's name. Isn't that nice? Everyone knows exactly who she is and I assume who her mother is as well. The worst part isn't how embarrassing it is, and to my credit I never let her just be obnoxious. We have constant time outs and even the occasional spanking (and no I am not going to write a post on my opinions on the subject). She has consequences and punishments at home as well and lots and lots of positive praise. She doesn't mean to be "bad." She isn't seeking attention either. She just wants to do what she wants to do, when she wants to do it. If she is not fully enjoying an activity then she isn't fully engaged and is easily distracted. She is very active and sitting still is hard. Probably not hyperactive, she can sure as heck pay attention longer then I could at her age, but active even for a two year old. The worst part isn't what I am worried other parents think about me, I know I am a good mom and that is good enough for me, but it is what I am worried they think about her that hurts my heart.

Who wants to be around the obnoxious two year old who doesn't sit still and is REALLY loud? My close friends and family who love her, but for acquaintances and strangers I fear that no one will. It is one of the reasons she isn't in day care, because I am afraid they won't like her. Shy kids don't like being around her but most of the normal "crazy" two year olds like playing with her just fine. She actually shares well and has a great imagination so boys and girls alike who can handle her love her. But the adults who would be responsible for her care might find her the most irritating kid in the room and that sucks. Every week at church I sort of clench up and squeeze my eyes and ask how did she behave today? It is hard to know what people really think. Sometimes I think they tell me "oh she is just two" because they don't want to say "she is such a great kid."

Every parent of a two year old has had to deal with temper tantrums in the grocery store. Most of them just don't have the problem EVERY time. By the way, what is the big deal with the grocery store? Is it really that boring? I let her help push the cart, put groceries in the cart, I even let her pick stuff out. But no amount of punishment, bribery, or positive praise will get her through the grocery store. Even the stores that have the cars that kids can drive, it only lasts through half the trip before she is bored. A friend recently told me that sometimes there are activities you just can't do with your kids.  For us grocery shopping is one of them. Unfortunately, I am a single parent during the week and I am not together enough to do all my shopping on the weekend when my husband is home.

The moral of this story is that when you see a mother in the mall, or the grocery store, or the bookstore and her kid is throwing a fit, don't judge, just pray life gets easier for her. No one will ever love your child the way you do. No one will ever think she is as great as you think she is, but every kid has great parts of their personality. For their mother's sake try to find them in every kid you meet. As for me I need to think of Barnes and Noble like it's the bar Cheers, where it is awesome that everyone knows your name.

Beauty and the Beast

Ok this is really about you and not about baby but most moms are too busy being moms to research beauty products so I have decided to share a bit of wisdom and my favorite products.

The number one secret to low cost, high impact make up is to buy professional make up. It is instantly cheaper than what you can buy at Sephora and higher performing than what you can buy at CVS. NYXCOSMETICS.COM ladies that is where it's at! (Sue me I ended a sentence with at) When your kids are little lots of photographs are being taken. If you want to be in them then what you want is HD makeup. Sephora's brand Make Up For Ever HD is based on NYX's HD line. Here are the top products and the cost difference:

Product              Sephora            NYX
Foundation            $42                   $15
Primer                   $34                   $15
Eye Primer            $22                   $7
Loose Powder       $26                   $25

Yeah, you read that right. Ridiculous, right? Make Up For Ever does make the best Finishing Powder on the market it's $32. NYX makes the best Eye Shadow Base (for high impact colors) it's $7. I only use cream blushes and I prefer NYX's Cream Rouge for $7 but Make Up For Ever's Microfinish blush for $26 is also excellent. Stila also makes a nice cream blush, Convertible Color, but it's $25 and doesn't last as long as the NYX. You need a good stippling brush with cream blush. I recommend the very cheap, $7.50, e.l.f brush.

As for eye shadow, unless you have some serious experience do not mess with Make Up For Ever's eye shadow. The pigment is intense and you'll find yourself looking like a clown. NYX has fabulous eye shadow pallets but they aren't the best high def color. The NYX Loose powder is their best high def eye shadow, but again you have to have the right tools and really know what you are doing. The Roll On Eye Shimmer is kind of hard to use, but the colors are subtle. Don't think you won't need a brush though.

Everyone in the world is convinced that Urban Decay has the best eye make up. They are dead wrong. Too Faced has them beat by a mile. A Too Faced Shadow Collections for $36 is the best makeup investment you'll ever make. They have a collection for every style. Want drama? Try the Smokey Eye, want matte, they have got that two. Personally I use the Romantic and Neutral the most often. I also highly prefer their eye primer to any other. It's $14 of Amazon. Always check Sephora and Ulta prices against Amazon.

Color correction. Again the world is wrong thinking that Smashbox has it going on. The only thing Smashbox really does right is brushes. No you want Benefit Cosmetics Erase Paste for those spots you just can't seem to hide.Sephora sells a great trio of Benefit product's including Stay Don't Stray (a good primer and concealer), a cream shadow/liner (great for eyery day quick eyes), and the Erase Paste. As for those irritating dark under eye circles I like Bobbie Brown Corrector or Creamy Concealer, $23-33. Ulta's Incognito Concealer, $7, is a good dry and cheap concealer.

Eye Liner is a personal choice kind of thing. NYX felt liners for $8-10 are excellent. Another misconception is that the MAC Khol liner is the best eye pencil. Try the Elisabeth Arden in Onyx, $16ish, you won't regret it. NYX makes a wonderful collection of Jumbo Eye Pencils but they will start to smudge after 8 hours for most people that is totally worth the $4.50 they cost. Sephora's Jumbo Liners will last you 12 hours for $12.

The mighty powerful mascara. Sit down this will make your head spin. Keep in mind that I like big bold mascara. If you want simple then stick to the original Maybelline. It's still the same for a reason.

*Rimmel London Scandal Eyes Waterproof Mascara, $7!!!!!!!!, This stuff packs the biggest punch for drug store mascara. You want the orange tube. It will smudge after about 6-8 hours but it is worth it. Definition is hard to get though and it does clump some.

*Maybelline Specials, $7-10, Colossal has the most volume (not as much as Rimmel) and will never smudge, you can sleep in the stuff. Stiletto is long but very thin. The Falsies, ehn its ok.

*Dior, $25, Ok everyone knows this is the most volume you can get, hands down, but for $25 I want my mascara not to smudge. This does. A lot if it is hot.

*Givinchy Phenomenon, $30, has slightly less volume than the Dior but it is a precis application and doesn't run very much.

*Tarte Clay, $19, if used with the primer this gives great volume and definition, doesn't run. All in all a great mascara.

*Clinique High Impact, $16, Less definition then the Tarte and less volume then the Dior but it is a good solid mascara.

*Buxom Lash, $19, If you follow the directions you will get great volume and definition but it is clumpy.

*Cover Girl, $8-12, My mother loves their water proof stuff. I find it boring.

Lips, lips, lips. We all want lipstick that last through a few cups of coffee and doesn't end up on our baby's cheeks when we smother them with kisses. I will not testify any of these to be the best because there are so many on the market these days it is impossible to try them all and not go bankrupt. I have tried several and here are my results:

*Sephora Cream Lip Stain, $12, This is just about the best high pigment you can get. I love Always Red. It will last through 1 cup of coffee if you let it dry for 15-20 mins. It is very dry.

*Revlon ColorStay Overtime, $9, it stays relatively moist but the colors don't pop, it will last through two cups of coffee.

*Revlon ColorStay Ultimate Liquid Lip Color, $11, My sister swears that this last 15 hrs for her. You must let it dry for 20 full min and put on multiple coasts. She loves Top Tomato. It last about 6 hours for me. It is dry and and the color is very matte but with the right color it can be very bold.

*Cover Girl Outlast Lip Stain, $9, The colors are interesting, it is not dry at all, and lasts 2 hrs. Biggest problem is that the tube doesn't look anything like the color. If you are interested tell me what shade you are looking for and I will tell you what to buy.

*Maybelline Super Stay 10 Hour Stain Gloss, $9, I love this stuff, not dry at all! Colors are vivid and numerous. It lasts at best 4 hours, but I just reapply because I love it so much. Fresh Fuchsia and Cool Coral are my favorites.

*Maybelline Super Stay Lipcolor, $10, In my book this is the longest lasting lip stain that doesn't completely dry out your lips. Great bold colors, long lasting, though not the 24 hours it claims. Continuous Coral and Constantly Cabernet are the colors of the season. Lasting Lilac is fun.

*L'Oreal Infallible Lip Color, $11.50, It's almost as good as the Maybelline Super Stay Lipcolor.

*MAC Pro Longwear Lip Color, $23, It last the longest has the best pigments but it is twice as expensive, a little harder to come by, and the gloss runs out long before the color so you have to buy two glosses making it even more expensive. It is drier than the Maybelline and the L'Oreal. It's basically the only high end lip stain.

Never use anything on top of a lip stain unless it comes with it. Ever.

The almighty foundation. Ok, you have to use primer. I love the Lancome La Base but you are looking at $42. NYX makes several, including a shine mattefier, an HD, and their version of the Smashbox gel everyone seems to love so much. They are all $12-15. Here are my go to foundations:

*I use the NYX HD for big events where I need my make up to last forever and I use the Make Up For Ever Microfinish.
 
*As a mom I have stopped using Bare Minerals because it ends up all over Scarlett's clothes. Instead if I want a nice powdered foundation I go with the NYX Stay Matte but Not Flat for $9.50. This is my everyday foundation in the winter.

*If you want a Gel foundation, and they do feel great, you want Per-Fekt, its $48 though.

*Last but not least is of course the tinted moisturizer Laura Mercier Flawless. The kit is $65. For $9 you can get L'Oreal's True Match, it is the best cheap foundation. If you have dry to normal skin it will last all day. Oily skin is another matter. This is my everyday in the summer.

Brushes are not to be bought at Sephora they will gouge you. Real Techniques, NYX, and e.l.f. will do the trick.

Last but not least. Nail polish that costs less then $7 will chip. The only nail stickers I like are the L'Oreal, which are impossible to get, and Sephora Nail Bling, $7.

Well there you have it. Most of us wake up at 6 am with crying babies looking like the beast. This should help you turn to Beauty in about 15-20 mins. I can't wait till all our girls go to high school and I get to teach them the ropes.

Post Script: I now have 2 characters on Hell. Yay me, and thank you Baby and Hunter.

Laundry Dos and Don'ts

I have never been a big fan of laundry. Not mine, not my husbands, not anybody's. This seems like a menial topic for my great comeback, but believe me, and any mother will, laundry is the bain of my existence.

Why are the washers and dryers always in the damn basement, unless of course you have an obnoxiously large house like my parents, in which case no one can sleep when the damn thing is running right next to your headboard. Scarlett seems to have an endless supply of laundry. Endless. The best advice I got from the baby class was not to buy fancy baby laundry detergent and not to wash the baby's laundry separately, or you'd be doing copious amounts of laundry. The only problem with that is that I hate doing my laundry and hers has to get done. So I end up doing a teeny tiny bit of laundry 3 days a week, if I am lucky...and I am usually not.

 So a few tips and tricks I have picked up in the last six months:

1. You need lots and lots of sheets. So many sheets. I had three. It seemed like enough, oh and two of those mattress covers. When she was little that was more then enough. She never had blowouts in her crib...dunno why. But after she turned one, all of the sudden she started taking her diaper off. Yippee! One day after the next, after the next. Wash, poop, change, wash, poop, change, wash, poop. Sometimes twice in one day. Buy extra sheets.

2. Then she started peeing through her diaper in the middle of the night. Huggies Night Time Diapers. Buy them, love them, use them. I use them on long trips too.

3. We had to come up with a solution to the taking the diaper off problem. Scarlett can't wear footie pajamas because she is so stupid tall, also she won't sit still for you to put them on. She doesn't like pants in general. She is as girly as they come. So I bought her 3T disney nightgowns, which at one came down to just about her ankles. See? Stupid tall. At 15 months they are just below her knees. She calls them her princess dresses; she twirls in them. It solved the diaper problem, but it created a new problem: more laundry, yay! At first I bought her two, then four, then six, then seven. That seems to be enough to only do her laundry twice a week.

4. Watermelon is the devil's fruit. Who'da thought? But it is. Nothing, and I mean nothing gets watermelon stains out. Strip them naked before you give it to them or say goodbye to whatever they are wearing.

5. I am not particularly granola, I like my greens with a good helping of pesticides, but I decided to buy the so safe you can drink it all purpose and bathroom cleaners from BabyGanics. Because I am extra freaky I needed to round it out with the stain remover as well. That stuff is freaking fantastic. I have no idea whats in it, and yes I tried drinking it. I didn't die. It tasted like soap, but anyway, it gets out everything! Except for watermelon. You need to follow directions for the stuff to work at its full potential. Hell it even got the dog's diarrhea out of the carpet. Another cleaning problem baby created. She feeds the dog strange things all day...arg. You can get 3 for $20 on Amazon. Between the BabyGanics stain remover and oxiclean there is very little that can't be cleaned if treated with in an hour or so of staining, but longer than that and you're going to be throwing out a lot of clothes.

6. Gymboree tutu's pick up every piece of lint in the washer and dryer. Unfortunately, Scarlett has a dozen of those damn things and she loves them.

7. Make sure you buy a stroller and car seat that have washable covers. I won't go into details but some truly disgusting blow-outs have happened in both.

8. Last tip. Scarlett got a piggy bank for her birthday. I told her she could put all the money we found in the washing machine into her piggy bank. When I set precedents like that I stay hard and fast to them. If I don't then we'd have a new rule every other day. So when I found a $10 bill in the dryer...long story short, if you tell your kid they can have all the money in the laundry and you'll check your pockets more carefully.

God Bless mother's who cloth diaper. That's a whole different can of laundry worms.

Things Not to do with a Baby

You have had a baby. Your life is now over. You keep trying to make it work but it just won't. So here are three things not to do with a baby.

1. Do not take babies to restaurants. Yeah I know this is virtually impossible. If you must I suggest restaurants in malls or in cities where there are places for you to walk around and not be bored by seeing nothing but cars in a parking lot because 9 times out of 10 you will have to take the baby out. Also call ahead and find out if they have changing tables in the restrooms. Preferably in the men's room so Dad can change her. Imagine this scenario:

You are having a nice lunch with your father at a Sushi restaurant. You baby, the hippopotamus, has eaten her fill of rice, soup, salad, carrots, chicken, and anything else she can get her hands on. Then you notice a brown spot going all the way up her back. Side note, you forgot to bring her a spare change of clothes. It is a small restaurant, it only has one restroom. it is a very nice restroom, the kind with nice folded up towels, marble counter tops and fancy fixtures, and of course no changing table. So you put down the changing pad from the diaper bag on the marble floor and lay the baby on top of it. You try and get her onsie off her with out getting poop all over her, a difficult task under the best of circumstances. Success! The baby's back is poop free! Oh wait but the changing pad is covered in the slimy stuff. Great now what. By the way at this point she is bored with the whole thing and is trying to wiggle away. Quick think on your feet! Turn over the pad so you can at least get her clean. You get the wipes out. You most definitely do not have enough wipes for this level of poopage. Ok so you take some of the nice folded fancy paper towels, wet them and try to clean her off. You finally get the new diaper on and set her aside, oh wait...where do you put her??? The you try and clean up the floor and the changing pad meanwhile saying "baby stop touching the toilet." Also you have been in there for at least 15 mins. People are knocking on the door, eventually it elevates to banging on the door. Finally, baby is clean, pad is clean, bathroom is...clean enough (oh and I hope you have some sort of plastic bag to put her poop soaked clothes). Now you exit the bathroom into the nice sushi restaurant with a baby in a diaper. You return to your seat and say "Dad its time to go." And just when you think you have gotten out, he points out that you now have poop on your butt.

2. Do not take babies to weddings. Oh but your Great Grandmother who can barely travel will be there and she so desperately wants to meet baby.

Tennessee is lovely in May. The weather is nice, the highways are surrounded with wildflowers and blooming trees. In the backseat the baby is screaming, crying, pooping, and throwing things. Side note, road trips are another thing you should not do with a baby but that one seems so obvious that I won't cover it. Who is stupid enough to do that? Picture a nice country club, set on the side of a lush green golf course. People dressed for a spring wedding walk down the path and take their seats. You sit in the back with the baby. It is the only polite thing to do. In case she squirms too much or starts to cry and you have to leave. The music starts, the grandparents start to procession down the aisle and you take baby's favorite stuffed animal to and dance it about keep her occupied. They seat the grandparents. "BABABABABA GUH GUH GUH GUH!" Shhhh, play with your potomus baby. "COOKIE, COOKIE, COOKIE." She isn't going to shut up. Ok fine lets move away some so she can't be heard but we can still see. Don't be stupid mom, I will just be louder so everyone can hear me. Loud enough to screw up the golfer's last putt. Ok fine lets move back to the club house. Cue the puking...It was such a lovely dress and now it smells like regurgitated formula. Finally the ceremony is over, mom gets wine and dad gets baby...no wait she doesn't want dad and I guess we can't let her scream through the reception. Clearly she isn't going to last long so lets get to what we came here for: grandparent time. No she won't let you hold her, no she won't talk to you, no she won't even look at you, it is loud, hot and crowded, and oh yeah...past her bed time. Quality encounter I assure you. Ah it is dinner time, finally. Maybe if we feed the baby she will be more pleasant. Crap buffet line. Ok Baby stay with your aunt and uncle while mom gets you food...hey where is your father? Oh off having a drink with his cousin who lives in Africa...a reasonable excuse I suppose. 3 mins after standing in line you hear "MAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMA" from two rooms over. Ok dad, take your drink to the food line. Now baby sit here at this nice white linen table and eat off this nice white china, no high chair needed. Ooo cake, cake will make the baby happy. She might even let a grandparent feed her the cake. Don't be stupid mom. Ooo music, maybe she'd like to dance. Don't be stupid mom. After two and a half hours you can't take any more. Dad catch a ride to the hotel cuz this train is leaving the station. No drinking and dancing for you mom. No wedding cake or fancy dinner either. Hotel vending machine diet coke, m&ms, and sponge bob. But hey, she got to see her great grandparents!

3. Do not attempt to play Diablo 3.

It is May 15th, 2012. We have been waiting for this day for 10 years. 10 long years. Damn you Blizzard. Damn you.

Step 1 - put baby in car
Step 2 - drive to mall
Step 3 - wait in line at Game Stop with baby in the stroller, attempting to escape
Step 4 - purchase two copies, one for mom, and one for dad, so we can play together (so naive)
Step 5 - drive home
Step 6 - install
Step 7 - put baby to bed and get ready to play....

Day 1 - Game won't run, need new video card.
Day 2 - New  video card installed, battle.net down.
Day 3 - Game running, battle.net up, baby teething.
Day 4 - Game running, battle.net up, baby sleeping, dad working.
Day 5 - Battle.net down.
Day 6 - Finally, we play. 30 min into the game we hear "Uh oh." Dad goes in to to check on her. Baby took off her diaper and peed in the bed. Sigh, I give up.

Note to readers: I didn't actually give up but it is June 27th and I haven't even come close to beating it on Nightmare :-(

The Fine Line

Yesterday I found myself eating a half eaten soggy Teddy Gram cracker becuase I didn't want to stand up and throw it away. Wow. I am officially a gross mom. A friend recently posted on her facebook page "You know you are a mom when you take a sip from your daughter's sippy cup to swallow your Tylenol." We all find ourselves doing things we would have screeched at when we were young and childless. But we all seem to draw that line, for ourselves and our children, at a different place. Yours may start and end with Purell, mine begins at wiping my hands off with a diaper wipe and seems to end with her crawling around on the Arundle Mills Mall Food Court Floor (I can feel half of you shutter). I brought her into River Hill High School for the Childhood Development class to observe her and they asked me why I was so relaxed considering most first time mothers are so much more cautious (I think she had just fallen on her head). I don't know...maybe I am just lazy.

Last week we had a play date with a beautiful sweet little 2 year old (who is not afraid of Scarlett) and they were playing in the mulch. But that is where her wonderful and loving mother (who I can not say enough nice things about) drew her line. Come snack time said friend refused to allow her child to hold her pretzel with her dirty hands. After much crying and a trip inside to wash her hands, Scarlett's friend ate her snack cleanly. I handed Scarlett her pretzel right into her dirty hand. I often say to people "she isn't in daycare so she has to get her immunities somewhere." Frankly, it isn't about laziness, I just don't care. Ok I don't not care about my kid, but I guess I don't think it will hurt her. Scarlett will just have to get used to her friends having better mothers then she does.

Funny thing is, I spent that whole afternoon adjusting her hair bow. I have been thinking about this for a long time and I have come to this conclusion: I'm nuts. I know what you're thinking...that isn't new news. But hear me out. I legitimately don't think eating mulch (in small quantities) will hurt her. Disclosure: I am neither recommending you let your child do that, nor am I criticizing parents that don't, in anyway. So I let her do dirty things on a regular basis and my line keeps getting lower and lower and lower. However, I care greatly that she looks adorable while she is being dirty. Why? Because I don't think the dirt is hurting her so I let her do it. But I do seem to care on at least some level what other people think. Since I am not willing to fight with her about pretzels and dirt I mask it with a pretty bow or a fluffy skirt, or both.

Boys have better toys, girls have better clothes. What mother doesn't like dressing up their little girl but I don't think any one would argue that I take it to the next level. A Toddlers and Tiaras reference has been made on more then one occasion. She never leaves this house without a coordinated cute outfit, with a matching bow and shoes. Every single time. My resolve is actually quite remarkable. And bless her little soul she has gotten into the groove of this. I give her choices and she likes picking out outfits and shoes and without fail she picks the fluffiest outfit possible. She loves to go shopping. I give her choices, I approve of, and she chooses. Side note, she is a bit of a clepto. I have to check her hands before we leave a store. She grabs things off racks or shelves. Sometimes she becomes obsessed with something truly ugly and we fight over it a bit, but in the end I have to sign the receipt so deal baby, deal.

I am going to take this one step further and divulge that I think there is a more deep seeded issue at hand. I have mentioned before that one of the things I have struggled with the most is the lack of accomplishment I feel at the end of the day. How do I evaluate my daily work? Especially coming from such a results oriented career, not having test results is rather aggravating. Yay, I didn't kill the baby today! Yay, the baby didn't kill herself today! Yay, I did the dishes and cleaned the house and did the laundry and the baby is still alive...yeah right. But some people say "she is thriving, you must be doing a good job." I refuse to take credit for Scarlett rolling over, sitting up, crawling, walking, and talking. All I did was put her on her belly, propped her up a few times, put toys out of her reach, put better toys out of her reach, and spoke some words loudly and clearly. It's not that hard.

Ok keeping the baby alive is hard, but that other stuff she mostly did on her own. But when I take Scarlett out all dressed up I get all sorts of ooos and ahhs. As Cadence always points out to everyone at church "isn't Scarwet the most bewtiful baby in the whole word?" That's right I'll totally take a pat on the back from a 4 year old. By the way, Scarlett is not the most beautiful baby in the whole world. I love my child dearly, but she ain't no Gerber Baby. When she isn't all dressed up she is a long, skinny baby, rather monkey looking.

We had her pictures taken today and becuase it is mother's day weekend, the whole world brought their babies in to have pictures take. Scarlett was by no means the cutest baby there. She doesn't have the rosie cheeks, or the chubby legs, or the cute little bottom teeth. But everyone was mesmerized by her somewhat ridiculous outfit to the point that the cries of "Mommy that baby pulled my hair! Mommy that baby bit me! Mommy she trampled over me! Mommy that baby stole my juice!" were laughed away. Frankly she has to be adorable becuase it distracts people from realizing she is actually a chimp who is patrolling her territory in the jungle. FYI if you go to Picture People around a holiday bring a lot of toys and food. We waited 45 mins, during which she ate half of a Wetzel's Pretzel, two packets of Mum Mums, and two pouches.

That notion begs a serious question: how do we prepare our daughters for the real world? Where is the line between encouraging them to eat well and exercise and giving them body image issues? How do you not pass your own neuroses onto your children? I'm soooo not ready to answer that question but it is rapidly creeping up on me. I have a friend whose 4 year old daughter is refusing to wear the same outfit twice in a month and wants to wear make up like her Barbie. Believe me she didn't get this from home. Her parents are well adjusted people who read her appropriate books and let her watch a modest amount of appropriate tv and have never bought her a doll with fake lashes and blue shadow. Now she is now mad at her parents for taking away that Barbie that her friend gave her for her birthday.

No matter how much you want to shelter your child from these kinds of issues, you can't. You can only postpone it and sometimes that does a great deal of damage becuase you haven't prepared them for the inevitable. Is it a fine line between caring about your child's well being and becoming a pageant mom? I imagine it is much finer then we"normal" mothers think. I am sure it starts with a bow in her hair and somewhere along the line it becomes a tiara. Fortunately for me (and Scarlett), Pat would never let her compete in a pageant where she has to shake anything inappropriate.

I will leave you with my ick factor bottom line: her bottom on the floor of the food court at Arundle Mills Mall. We were there with several people and she had finished eating, got out of her high chair repeatedly, and I just couldn't keep her happy so I let her down to walk around. She takes about 5 or 6 steps at a time then she falls and decides to crawl the rest of the way. She started chasing this little boy and she is much faster crawling so off she went. Oh but that isn't even the best part. They are still building the Casino over there and at lunch time all the construction workers came in to take a break. They weren't exactly clean. I mean they weren't caked in dirt but they were dusty and sweaty and of course she was obsessed with them. She just kept going up to them and waving and saying hi and of course grabbing their shoes and their hard hats and screamed when I took her away. We car pooled so we couldn't leave till everyone was done. Given the choice between a screaming, angry baby, and a very happy but really gross and dirty baby...I let her play with the construction workers, on the floor of the Arundle Mills Mall food court floor, in a tutu. This is the part where you say ewww. Fortunately for me, Pat never reads my blog.

This post is dedicated to Erin Smart, Katie Florida, Jenni Humphrey, Aaron Danzig, and all the mother's out there who keep Purell handy and the mothers whose motto is: God made dirt, dirt don't hurt.

Product Review 2.0

Ok so here is a summary of what did and did not work for me.

Bottles and Accessories: The Dr. Brown's were really great till about 3 months when the gas was a major problem. However after that all the little pieces were a pain so I got rid of them and went with the Nuk bottles. They worked, they weren't that expensive but she has also used the First Essentials $1 bottles in a pinch with no problems. I am not sure they come with travel caps so I would check into that but expensive bottles aren't really necessary if you have a kid who likes to eat. If you don't breast feed your baby and you never give your baby a heated bottle she will never know the difference. I wouldn't bother with a bottle warmer. If you want one though get one with a water reserve. Avant and Dr. Brown's both make them. I liked the Playtex Drop-Ins for travel but generally speaking they irritate me so now that she doesn't eat as much I get the pre-made disposable ones when we travel. Use Target formula they have many options and it doesn't foam the way Wal-Mart and Costco's does. Get a formula pitcher.

Infant Accessories: Bumbo, Boppy, and Bouncy Seats (not to be confused with Jumperoos) are a necessity. Find a tot swap or a Once Upon a Child and buy them used.
This is the bouncy seat she liked best and was the only thing she would sleep in until she moved to her crib, forget the bassinet! The swing was only useful for like 3 months so if you can borrow one or buy one used go for it. Otherwise forget it.

High Chair: If I had to do it over again I would use the Bumbo with a tray until she was big enough for a booster seat like this one she has at my mom's. If you have chubby baby she might grow out of the Bumbo before she can really sit up. If you really want to get one go with the Graco, you don't ever really have to remove the tray all the way and you don't need to strap the baby into that one.

Baby Gates: I am doing this one now becuase Scarlett is half way up the stairs and crying becuase she can't get down. I believe in tough love even at 9 months. I never put the gates up. She doesn't go anywhere near the downstairs but she can go up. We have soft carpet and she has never fallen more then a few steps, she is figuring out how to get back down. We have the Safety 1st ones that we put up when I have other kids over. I like them.

Car Seat and Stroller: Ok the Chicco is super easy to use and safe but it is so HEAVY. If I had it to do over again I would still go with the Chicco Car seat but I would get a used Snap and Go stroller base, it won't fit perfectly but it is good enough. Then I would buy this Chicco when she is big enough. I bought this last month becuase the Cortina was so heavy. My mother has one too. Target has a cheaper Umbrella stroller that is pretty good but it won't last you the baby's life. I like the Liteway becuase it lies all the way down into a bed. She will sleep in it anywhere. The Baby Trend and new Graco are good options for travel systems if you are a jogger. Scarlett grew out of her infant car seat 4 months too early we switched to the Safety First Alpha Omega Elite. She loves it but you will need a towel rolled up under it while it is rear facing. You must get the Sassy brand Car Seat toys, the Infantino ones don't fit.

Carriers: I hated the Moby Wrap, waaaay too hot in the summer. Slings are great when they are little but long run Bjorn is the way to go.

Pack and Play: It doesn't matter...my whole thing about a fold over changing table isn't really relevant becuase you can keep it up for like 3 months and after that it you aren't changing as many diapers and they aren't as messy.

Toys: Scarlett has both a Jumperoo and an Exersaucer she likes them both. She loved the Rainforest play mat. These were must have crib toys the sea horse and the rainforest soother. She has two of these airplane scooters both bought used...she adores them. It serves as a walker too. Her Favorite toy is the Fisher Price Zoo. It is soooo irritating but she loves it. She also loves the Fisher Price Easel, the Fisher Price Stage, and the Fisher Price Dinosaur. (Those are each different links.)

Feeding: I like the Munchkin Spoons best, but I almost always give her baby food pouches. The Snack Catcher and reusable snack bags are great too. The mesh bags were great when she was first learning to eat and filled with frozen fruit make a great teether. The Nuk Learner Cup has served us well but only use the clear nipples.

Bath and Body: I like Pampers diapers and Huggies wipes But LUVs aren't bad either. You have to have the Little Noses booger sucker and their nail clipper is the best too. My verdict on Gas Drops is a big thumbs up. Butt Paste works well but if you don't use a wipe every time she pees you will really reduce diaper rash. Get a slanted infant bath tub and either an inflatable tub or use a rubber made storage bin filled with water after they are too big for the baby tub but too small for the big tub. I also like this sponge for the infant tub. The Munchkin Bath Ball is the best bath toy. Get  thermometer that lights up at the right temp. We have this one. You don't need the knee saver sit on your butt. Target's baby washcloths are the best. But the cheaper ones you can get anywhere are great in the beginning when baby is super icky. I would not buy the hooded towels Scarlett is too big for them at 8 months get real towels. Get the Arm and Hammer baby poop bags for when you travel. No friend without kids wants a poopy diaper in their trash but these bags completely remove the odor. I like the Diaper Genie Elite keep it in the bathroom. pacifier wipes are awesome in the beginning when you are still concerned about germs.

Stuff I never needed or used: 4oz bottles last for two months, waste of money. Crib mobile, they don't fit modern cribs but they still sell them with the bedding sets. The more expensive softer Boppy cover, she didn't care. I got the Gerber onsies extenders but they didn't fit one single onsie I have even though they come in three sizes. Don't buy lots of pacifiers! They will give you one in the hospital and  if she won't use it she probably will never use one. I know several babies who didn't use the Soothie they give you at the hospital but will use the Nuk one. But most babies if they use a pacifier they will only ever like the Soothie. Footie PJs with buttons, so irritating in the middle of the night...get zippers or sacks, love the sacks. Breathable Bumpers are just not necessary. By the time a baby can roll all the way over to the edge of the crib she is old enough not to suffocate herself. Shopping cart/ high chair cover, good lord is it hard to work...and with a squiggling baby forget it just not worth it. They sell protectors for the seats in your car from the car seat and crumbs however the fire department will tell you not to use it becuase it makes the car seat less safe. That is not advertised on the package.

Scarlett says I am done now...tata.

Post Script:  As per a request made of me here are some updates. I would buy everything used except a car seat a crib, and a baby monitor. Go ahead and splurge on a monitor that has video. I didn't want one becuase I was afraid I would check it all the time but my father got a web cam for her room so they could creepily look in on her at night. I find it very handy to log on to it with my phone and check and see if she is still sleeping.

Eighth Month Slump

So I feel into the trap that 98% of bloggers do, I got too preoccupied to post. It has been a bit busy around here. They get so big so fast. You hear that but you just can't imagine that in a blink of an eye your newborn is an infant and another blink and she is crawling and walking. I can't tell you what it is like when it is the first of many babies or the last of a few, but when it is your one and only it is terrifying. And mine seems to be moving right a long a little too quickly. She sat up on her own at 6 months, crawled at 7 and is this close to walking at 8. She said Mama for the first time the other day. She also says up, doggy, dada, cookie, and baba. I was sure baba would be first since she is a bottomless pit. She eats and eats and eats. Everyone watches in awe as she puts back 3 baby food pouches, a cup of Gerber crunches, two Mum-Mum cookies, half a cup of yogurt drops, and then part of whatever I am eating. This is one meal...and yet she is only in the 45% for weight, but the 90% for height.

She gets that height thing from Dad, everything else she gets from me (and my mom, who is her only white grandparent and Scarlett's eyes are still blue and now her hair is blond...genetic freak). She is identical to me as a baby except for that blond hair, blue eyed thing. She is also crazy just like mommy. She never, ever stops moving. Even when she is sleeping her feet keep kicking. She never shuts up...and she usually is screaming at the top of her lungs and she seems to pick up a new word every week. I wake up in the morning now to either: UP UP UP UP UP or MA MA MA MA MA. But the thing she says the most is doggy, who she chases all over the house and sometimes attacks, but man can she crawl fast.

When I first decided I was going to go ahead and do this stay at home mom thing everyone said it was a terrible idea. I would be bored to tears and feel frustrated and alone. For the first 6 months it was the most amazing experience. Especially considering my baby sleeps through the night and takes 2-4 solid naps during the day. We would play, meet with other moms and kids, lunch with friends and family, and when she slept I got some serious gaming in. Then she stopped being an infant and started to be a baby monkey. She needs constant and continual stimulation, she laps the house about 100 times a day, she attacks the dog, "talks" so loud I have to crank the tv up so loud the neighbors can hear it. She wants to go out and do something every day. I have tried to explain to her that gas is now $4.00 a gallon and Mommy doesn't have a job so we can't go downtown to the Aquarium every day. I don't think she understood.

Continuing along the just like Mommy theme, she isn't a morning person. I used to be able to get her out of the house by 9 AM to go meet the other Moms and kids but now getting her out of the house before 10 AM is just not an option. I know poor pitiful me I get to sleep in till 9 AM but I pay a big price. She is a raging lunatic when she is bored. This morning she dumped her mac and cheese all over my laptop and then smeared it all around. So we go for walks, but she only tolerates that a few days a week, the park is only interesting a few days a week. She would go to the mall and ride the carousel all day every day but she doesn't seem to get that I run out of quarters. The biggest fuss she makes though is when we meet someone or someone comes to visit and it isn't to see her. Don't you all know that she is the center of the Universe??? At least we don't have separation anxiety. Mommy is only one of many people who can serve her.

The only upside of not being able to meet the other kids for morning play dates is that most of the other infants won't play with her anyway. She is too rough for them. They run or crawl away crying. Oh and she likes to kiss boys...8 months and she likes to kiss boys (and she likes shoes, no loves shoes, can we say Mommy's girl?). At Community Group there are two 1 year old boys but they are afraid of her they crawl around quietly and play with their toys and she and the 3 year old boy roll around on the floor screaming. It is so embarrassing.

At 8 months I have hit a wall. I don't know what to do with her any more. I can't wait till the pool opens, hopefully she will wear herself out swimming. Also come summer it is Grandmommy's problem. My mother went to work at a day care when I was 1 so she could stay with me but I needed full time entertainment. I have applied for a part time teaching job next year and for her sake I pray I get it so she can go to day care for a few hours a day.

I also miss adults (and sometime teenagers). I miss conversations that aren't about poop, I miss happy hour and I miss my friends. It is hard to maintain friendships with "work friends" when you don't work. They don't really know what to say to you and your schedules are "off." You just aren't part of the club any more. These days I really miss the other stay at home Moms too. Staying home was easy when she was little and portable and we did what I wanted to do...And thus the slump.

I know every parent goes through this. You love your child but when they are driving you crazy, taring your house apart, screaming at you, sometimes it is hard to forget why you love them. There have been days when Pat has come home and I say "take her and get her away from me for at least an hour." How horrible am I (mostly becuase I am willing to admit it, not becuase I feel it, we all feel it from time to time)? What is even worse then that is that I am bitching that I want him to take her away, but that I kind of hate that she doesn't care that he does. She doesn't like me that much. I mean I am her mother and she loves me but I am by no means her favorite person. She actually likes men better. My father is her favorite person. She shoots off like a rocket any time she sees him. I said I was glad we have no separation anxiety, but I imagine it makes those moms feel warm and fuzzy inside that their babies love them best. When I pick her up from a weekend at my parents house she barely even notices I am there. I secretly like it when she is sick becuase it is the only time I get anything that resembles a hug. They had to pull me out of church last weekend becuase she was fussing up a storm, she didn't want me, she wanted Tylenol.

The hardest thing about staying at home is that I have nothing to show for my day. Yep I kept her alive today. Pat me on the back. She learned to crawl and talk, I merely made sure she didn't get too hurt in the process. It is a weird feeling after being in jobs that were very results oriented. Sure I know what I am doing is important and good Lord is it challenging but if you think teaching is a thankless job, trying mothering. The worst part is when I look around the house and it is a wreck and the dishes and laundry aren't done and there is no food in the house, I think "what did I do today????" It is also very hard not to compare yourself to Mrs. Cleaver or some of the other more successful stay at home moms. *Sigh*

But after all that bitching, this is still the greatest thing I have ever done. When she wakes up from a nap and I go into her room I get this great big smile and it is the best thing in the whole world. She is smiling becuase I am freeing her but it is still pointed in my direction and I can't help but love it. I ultimately decided I needed to do this staying at home thing becuase I am only having one and she will only be little once. I would have missed so much. I see and hear her do things weeks before anyone else catches it. When she gives me that big smile all the frustration is worth it. Staying at home isn't for every and not everyone has the opportunity but for all the trouble she is worth it.

Mind Your Own Dang Business

From the moment of conception you are automatically wearing a sign that says "Please give me unsolicited advice." I experienced very little of this during my pregnancy considering that I spent most of it in bed. But I am to understand that often strangers walk up to you and tell you frightening horror stories about labor and say things like "if you think you are tired now, how will you handle a newborn? or "you shouldn't eat that it will make the baby jaundice." I realize there is some irony in me saying this since my whole blog is advice you probably don't want but it isn't unsolicited. You came here with the intent to read...

For me the annoying advice came after she was born, which is a tad more upsetting. When you are pregnant it is just irritating and sometimes upsetting becuase you are very hormonal. When the baby is out then it is just down right upsetting that people are criticizing you parenting. The first time someone implied I didn't know what I was doing was the first time I took her out of the house. We went to Target (lots of women say that is the first place they go). She was two weeks old. She seemed fine and I needed "stuff." One can't say they are going to Target for a particular item becuase you always come back with "stuff" and you can't really pretend you won't. Moving on. Lots of people stopped to ask me about the baby...small babies have that affect on people (so do small dogs but they don't allow that in Target). It is kind of weird. Who are you and stop staring at my baby. Eventually one lady asked how old she was and then told me she was too young to be out. Thanks I will hop in my time machine and tell myself not to take her to Target. I told people she was three weeks old for the rest of the day.

When she started teething people kept telling me she was too young and I must be mistaken. Would you like to stick your finger in my child's mouth and feel the molar descending down? Which by the way is how I found out she was teething. I asked Katie to stick her finger in Scarlett's mouth. What? It was information I needed and I couldn't tell. In retrospect that was ridiculous there are clearly teeth in there on their way out. First time mom, what are you going to do?

Now all the time I am told she is cold. My child, like her father, runs hot. He would wear shorts at the north pole. It runs in the family. My sister in law and I both wear sweats to Thanksgiving dinner while the rest of them wear t-shirts. Any way, Scarlett does not like to be hot. Side note, Scarlett doesn't cry unless there is something wrong. Lots of babies cry for no reason. It is perfectly normal for a baby just to communicate by irritating you. Mine only cries when she either bored, hungry, tired, teething, or hot. She used to cry as soon as she sweat in her diaper but she seems to be ok now to sit in it for a bit. She also doesn't really have gas any more. However, when she is unhappy I inevitably forget one of those things. I will try putting her to bed, or bouncing her about, or rubbing her gums, but somehow I food is always the last thing I try. No striping her down to her diaper is usually the last but is often the culprit. It is like as soon as she cries I forget the things that will make her stop crying. Life is cruel. Back to being cold, or hot as it was.

On Halloween she was dressed as Belle (today's picture is purely for cuteness). As you can see that is what she was dressed in. She was hot, all night. We were outside handing out candy on Main Street. She of course wanted to be held so she could see all the people. And she was sweating. It was after all a lot of tulle. But of course all the parents with their children with coats on top of their costumes and sweats underneath gave me scolding looks. Side note, people kept stopping and saying "oh she is so cute" and then taking her picture. How weird. But I already gave the rights away to her genome so what the heck. At homecoming she had on an adorable tutu outfit and she had on long sleeves and pants but still people kept telling me she was cold. She was not. She was being passed around by all the Eleveners in the stands. The kids asked me why I wasn't pissed off people were telling me what to do with my baby? I said it just kind of comes with the territory. Eventually one of them said to the next person who stuck her nose in, "why don't you just mind your own damn business?" You go Molly!

So I am telling this story a week later at a Raven's party and my friend's husband who is like 45 and has never had children says "Well people do that becuase it is very common for people to take their kids out when it is too cold." So thanks man with no experience with children. Here is the bottom line: every kid is different, and you probably don't know better than their mother, and even if you do keep your mouth shut becuase she isn't going to listen to you anyway. Unless she is beating her child you should probably just stay out of it. I have some really good friends whose kids are a total mess. Literally and figuratively. I hate having them over they could not be more obnoxious and messy. It confuses me becuase she seems to know everything there is about kids and they are great, smart people, but they just don't discipline their kids at all. But there is no point in me saying anything, I would only upset our friendship. I just won't have them over at our house any more.

Everyone is all up in arms right now over the Texas judge who was caught on tape beating his daughter with a belt. People are coming down on both sides of this argument. The leftist of the left who don't think a light spanking is ok, the middle who says spanking is ok but this is not a spanking (which I might as well say is where I am on this), and the people who say it is his daughter and he is punishing her as he sees fit. Beating a child is not ok, but I do think that most of the people on his side are more concerned about being told how to parent then they are about the details of the case. We live in a society where we all think we know best. Maybe we do, but ain't nobody gonna listen, so you might as well just mind your own dang business.

10 Reasons Why Pat is the Better Parent

1. He gets upset when she is crying. I tell myself that I hear her cry all day that I have to laugh. Also have you seen the face they make? It is pretty funny.

2. I thought by staying home I'd have all this extra time to do things like cook and clean. Ha! He has never complained.

3. Everyday between 1pm and 2pm he calls to check on us.

4. He wants to see her grow. He wants her to develop and learn to do things. Like become a person. I want to put her in a reverse stretcher and make her little forever. Talking is so unnecessary.

5. Last week I pierced her ears and every day I make her wear a bow. As ridiculous as this all is he doesn't fight me on it. If momma ain't happy, no body is.

6. He actually likes feeding her. It is like their "bonding" time. I got over that like 4,000 feedings ago.

7. Babies hear in higher pitches then adults. Generally speaking this is why they like women better. As a result he use this silly high pitched voice when he speaks to her. I told him it was the same voice he uses with the dog. He says it is his "small" voice.

8. On that note, he still likes the dog. He pets her and feeds her and walks her. I seem to have forgotten she exists.

9. The baby likes it when I sing to her. He has totally gotten over hearing "A Spoon Full of Sugar" 10 times a day.

10. We probably can't have another baby. But he loves this one so much he doesn't care.

Read Between the Lines

So I haven't posted in like two weeks becuase I have been working on a post about bad advice I got. It really wasn't going anywhere so I scratched it. Moral of the story: every baby wears newborn clothes (unless they are a 10 pounder) for a little while and so that old add-edge is stupid. 3 outfits will not get you through one week let alone 3. Also gas drops do work and are my friend. Buy them at WalMart sooooo much cheaper. So to my new post.

I feed the baby how many times a day. Let me think 3am, 630am, 9am, 1130am, 1pm, 330 pm, 6pm. 7 times....oh that is why I am not making enough bottles, we make 6 every day and every day the time at which I have to make them goes up by an hour or so....duh...anyway. I get bored. So one night while bored I pick up the What to Expect in the First Year and start reading.

There are so many benchmarks for babies now. We are probably being overactive about development but research shows that babies that hit certain bench marks at certain times are less likely to have social and physical disorders. Oddly enough not learning to crawl (just going straight to walking) is linked to Autism. Though everything is linked to Autism these days. Any child with a social disorder is marked as being on the Autism spectrum. I am sure I will piss people off by saying this but I have never had an Autistic student (and these days that is many) that didn't have a weird parent. Most teachers agree it has to be partially genetic becuase the apple does not seem to fall far from the tree. There is now a lot of evidence to suggest that if caught early enough significant improvements can be made. Crawling is one of them.

The book always says that not meeting these benchmarks could be perfectly normal for your baby or it could be an indication of a problem...gee thanks. I have a friend whose baby came two months early. The doctor seems to be very unfair to him. He spent the first month of his life in an incubator. Yet he is evaluated as any other baby. His mom says he is a 4 month old trapped in a 6 month old's body. Surprise, surprise he is developmentally 2 months behind. Every time I tell someone over the age of 60 that the doctor told me my baby already has an attention problem they tell me my expectations of a 3 month old is unrealistic. Maybe our expectations are unrealistic or maybe they are based on what is optimal and not all babies can an A+.

Side note: my child does have an attention problem. Most babies seem to have an altimeter. When they are upset you stand up and bounce them. Not necessary with Scarlett. You simply must get up and move to the other side of the room so she has something new to look at. We were in the waiting room at the doctors office today and I was playing musical chairs. I must have looked like an idiot. Moving from one side of the room to the other. She still mostly won't make eye contact with me. Only first thing in the morning when I am new again and a half hour later I am not interesting again. When she meets someone new she stares at them for like 2 mins which must be an eternity for a baby.

She loves her room. My whole house is red, white, black and gray. So when it came to the nursery I thank Dr. Seuss for coming up with a lovable children's (would some English teacher please tell me what the proper why to make children possessive becuase Mozilla keeps telling me that is wrong) character with a red and white hat. She can wear pink, my walls can not. When I was a child all infant toys were red, white and black becuase those are the colors they can see. I don't know why they did away with this but she loves her room. There is so much to look at. She also likes ceiling fans. Loves having her diaper changed so she can look at the ceiling.

Where was I going with this? Oh right boredom. So the book says it is very important to talk to babies. There was recently a big long research study done on low income babies verses middle class babies and the biggest difference was how the baby was talked to. Babies who are talked to do much better in school. When they asked the non-talking parents why they didn't talk they said they didn't know they were supposed to. Their parents didn't talk to them as children. They also discovered that there is a difference in talking to your child and talking at your child. "Mommy is going to feed Scarlett now" verses "eat baby". Apparently pronouns are difficult for babies. They do not understand the concept so it is better to say "Mommy is going to change Scarlett's diaper now" and not "I am going to change your diaper." It is important to use the babies name often. Like a dog you want them to learn to respond to it. Yeah I went there.

Since I really like the sound of my own voice (i.e. I talk too much) this is easy for me. We talk all day long. One of the things they told the non-talking parents who didn't know what to say was to sing or if your tone def recite the words to songs. It doesn't have to be a lullaby, Solider Boy will do the trick. As you know we sing Julie Andrews.

Another side note: Every morning when I feed her at 9am we watch the news. Either the Today show or CNN, whose every reporting actually news. Usually I read the scroll at the bottom of the Today show for local news and the scroll at the bottom of CNN for national news. It seems no one is actually reporting news. Anyway after that we watch Jem and the Holograms. It was a cartoon from the 1980s about a music band and the clothing, makeup and hair is awesome dude. Today's cartoons are stupid and scary. Have you seen the new Mickey Mouse? And what is up with Yo Gabba Gabba? Seriously the creator of that show must have done more drugs then Lewis Caroll. Scarlett loves Jem (I should point out that Pat thinks it is ridiculous that I actually record 1980s cartoons on the DVR). I am pretty sure it is not the fashion that intrigues Scarlett but the fact that Jem and the Holograms are a music band and they sing all the time. She does not like the Misfits. Good baby. I mean Mommy is proud of Scarlett.

Ok I am trying to get to the point. The book also says it is never to early to read to a baby and research clearly shows that reading to a young child gives them a huge leg up when they enter kindergarten. By the way, props to kindergarten teachers. To me that is the 7th level of hell. So....we read during feedings. Much like cartoons I like old books. My favorite (I have never spelled that word right the first time in my entire life, I more then a little dyslexic) books are as follows:
Alexander's Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day
The Going to Bed Book (becuase they go up to the deck and exercise before they go to bed, whats with that?)
In the Night Kitchen (which is one of the lesser known Maurice Sendak book, I hate Where the Wild Things are, it is depressing, Night Kitchen is hilarious)
The Sign on Rosie's Door (see above)
I Love You Forever (which always makes me cry and Pat always asks "why do you read that if it makes you cry?" Also he thinks it is silly that she sneaks into his room when he is all grown up)
The Just So Stories
Where's my Blankie?
Little Bear
All of Dr. Seuss

The only book I have read her so far that I didn't have as a child is But Not the Hippopotamus, which existed I just didn't have it. We love that. Mostly becuase it is about a potamus and her potamus is her favorite (still didn't get it right) and becuase she is baby potamus. Oh I forgot the two most important books the ones we are reading now. Winnie-the-Pooh (downstairs) and a Light in Attic (upstairs). The only problem is I don't like how I do the voices. I had all of these on tape as a child. Two reasons, one I couldn't sleep even then (it is 3:45 am) and two my dyslexia led me to be a slow reader. I have purchased all of these on CD so she can hear the voices properly someday but for now it is apparently important that she hears me talking to her, something about familiarity.

The End.

That Bites Man!

So we are teething now. Fun times. No really. At first I thought she had a cold and then Mom says you know teething will make her nose stuffy from all the increased blood flow. I says but she is only two months and usually it doesn't start till four months. But the cold didn't seem to get better. So I asked Katie to put her fingers in my child's mouth and sure enough there are two, maybe four teeth trying to make an appearance.

According to the American Academy of Pediatrics "Teething usually starts during these months. The two front teeth (central incisors), either upper or lower, usually appear first, followed by the opposite front teeth. The first molars come in next, followed by the canines or eyeteeth." Thanks folks she is getting molars and at two months. I suppose this is pay back for sleeping through the night. Oh right she isn't doing that any more. Since this whole teeth thing started she is fussy at around 1 am. She doesn't actually want to eat. We waste quite a bit of formula at that hour. She just is grumpy and wants attention. Again I quote the AAP "Teething occasionally may cause mild irritability, crying, a low-grade temperature (but not over 101 degrees Fahrenheit or 38.3 degrees Celsius), excessive drooling, and a desire to chew on something hard." Has anyone ever had a baby that did not get grumpy when teething??? Occasionally my foot.

So what to do about it? Well she is too little to keep a teething ring in her mouth. Katie says rub her gums. I guess that means I will have to wash off the hot glue from ribbon making. Fun times. Also she is starting to be grumpy out of the house now too, which she never did before. Does it sound like I am complaining? Yes. Deal with it. You can ignore me if you so choose. If only we could take Mary Poppins with us everywhere. Maybe I should get a portable DVD player. Do they make baby iPods? They should. She is obsessed with Julie Andrews and she dislikes Muse. Oh baby I hope you can grow out of that. After watching Mary Poppins obsessively as a child my cousin Sarah decided she too wanted to have a tea party on the ceiling. Solution: hang from the chandelier with a cup.

At least I have found ways of cheering her up. I now know all the lyrics to "Spoon Full of Sugar" and now that she smiles and laughs she can be distracted with funny faces. She can go from pouty tears to giggles in like .6 seconds. Crazy baby. She will also spend a good two hours a day in her gym. I am not sure she will ever roll over. When she is on her stomach she is too preoccupied with going forward. She also wants to stand all the time now. Any time you hold her she pushes herself up into a standing position. This was both adorable and impressive a month ago. Now it is just irritating. My infant is already over cuddling. Not fair. Glad I stayed home this year or I would have missed that phase all together.

And now my closing thoughts (I'm talking to you Larry Cohan). I was getting concerned about her hearing. I know she can hear but she won't respond to sounds. She also wasn't making eye contact with me very often. At her two month doctor's appointment I brought this up with the doctor. She examines her and says "Ok so there is a difference between hearing and listening." Great, I don't know anyone with a listening problem. Also she makes eye contact with anyone new. It turns out she has just seen me and I am no longer interesting. The doctor says "It is a bit early for a baby to have an attention problem but I think we are going to need to keep an eye out for it." Pat just rolled his eyes. Apple doesn't fall very far from the tree.

10 Reasons Why I am a Bad Mother

1. Sometimes I forget I have a baby. Usually when woken up from a deep sleep and I am like...what is making that noise...oh right my baby.

2. I laugh at her all the time. Usually when she is trying to do something she is waaaay to young to do.


3. Sometimes I give her a bath just to stop her from crying. She likes the bath it makes her happy. I know I am only supposed to bathe her every 2-3 days becuase it dries out her skin. I use a lot of lotion.

4. I drag her all over the place and at a young age. I took her to Target at like 2 weeks. I go out under the guise that she needs something or her grandmother needs to see her. Mostly a load of crap. I don't like being stuck in the house. She is a trooper. We took her out of state at one month. To a party at a frat house no less. It wasn't a frat part that is just where it was held. Don't worry, I changed her in the car.

5. I leave her all the time. I think we left her at 5 days with gradma for the first time to go to the bar at DuClaw's. She actually did need something that day from the mall. We left her a few days later to get Pachanga Punch with our best friend's for my birthday. What is Pachanga Punch you ask? It is this amazing mixture of sangria and margarita...yumm. We left her for the weekend for the first time at two months. She was fine. Her Grandmommy and Pop Pop took good care of her.

6. I let her sleep on her stomach when she is napping. Yeah, yeah SIDS. She can pick up her head just fine. She sleeps better on her tummy and that way I can both shower and eat. Otherwise I have to pick between one or the other. In fact that is how I had time to write this list. I don't let her do it at night but to be entirely honest that is only becuase I am worried about what people will think. I know this is an unusual trait for me. Also there is a lot of evidence to suggest that SIDS doesn't happen for no reason. It is usually the result of a head injury that was not caught. Also I have her bumper in the crib. When she was super little she couldn't move any where near it. Now that she can she is smart enough not to suffocate herself.

7. I don't sterilize her bottles or use bottled water. We put them in the dishwasher which is pretty close to sterilizing and the whole sterilizing thing is out of date. People had to boil the bottles back in the day when they were glass. Now there is evidence suggesting that sterilizing bottles in the microwave breaks down the plastic. We have a Brita Filter which of course does not get rid of the fluoride which is what is bad for them but it is good enough for me. She seems fine. I do take bottled water when we travel just in case the frat house we are visiting doesn't have a filter that allows me to pretend I am going that extra mile.

8. I let her lie on the floor with the dog. Pekingese have been known to kill babies. However my pekingese couldn't hurt a fly. No, seriously. She tried once. The fly won. I don't let her do it when I am not in the room but even my mother-in-law who is like the dog queen thinks it is a bad idea.



9. We kicked her out of our room after two weeks. We got like no sleep and that seemed like a bad thing. We let her cry it out at 3 weeks. Most people will tell you that is waaaay to early. She slept through the night at one month in her own room...just saying.

10. I chose to bottle feed. Ok I can't breast feed becuase of medication I take, but I wouldn't if I could. It creeps me out. Not when other people do it but I just don't want to. So there.

Product Review Part 3

She is now 8 weeks old. Some stuff sucks and some I can't live without.

Stuff I have issues with:
1. Moby Wrap. What a stupid idea. It is 8 yards of fabric and is heavy and hot as all get out. How are you supposed to wrap that thing around you in a parking lot without dragging half of it on the ground. Also when you are done with it you really have to wait till you get home to wrap it back up and put it in its baggy. Also the fabric loosens up and you have to retie it. This is kind of unsafe when the baby is in it. I got a bjorn last week.

2. The changing table on the Baby Trend pack'n'play. It slants downward so the baby rolls down and so does pee. Stupid.

3. Footie Pajamas. Ok I get that when it is cold these could be handy. Getting them on an off a figity baby at 3 am, not cool. Jenni gave me some with zippers. Those are better.

4. Drop-in Bottles. She has no problem with using different bottles for travel. However, an issue has arisen I had not anticipated. The convince on an on the go bottle that you can reuse over and over again and just throw out the bag is great except for 2 things. First you can't reuse the nipple without sterilizing so you have to have a lot of nipples and second becuase the bag squishes you have no idea how much she has eaten.

5. Bottle Steamer. It is easier to just run the dishwasher. Never used it. Selling it at the next yard sale I can find.

Good Stuff:
1. Dr. Brown's bottles. They have a million pieces but they do reduce gas and Pat and I actually find it kind of calming to take them apart and put them in the dishwasher basket. Crazy no?

2. Munchkins Dishwasher basket. They fit pretty well and have places for nipples and the Dr. Brown's straws but I wish they held more and were a little easier to use.

3. First Years Bottle Warmer. The cooler does not keep them cold for more then 8 hrs and that is still pushing it. It only has one freezer pack so if you forget to put it back in the freezer you are out of luck the next night. Also the 8 oz Dr. Browns bottles don't fit in there with the caps. You have to put the nipple in a bag and put it on when you take it out. Also I hate refilling the water vials every night. It doesn't heat the bottles up fantastically but the convince can't be beat.

4. All brands of bouncy seats except for the Bright Starts InGenuity Automatic Bouncer. I didn't want to invest in new ones and bought a bunch of different ones at yard sales. I have since bought two more, full retail. I have them everywhere. They buy me precious precious time. Most of them don't automatically turn off. This is stupid. They just run the battery down. Many of the Bright Starts do but they aren't all as awesome as the InGenuity. The Fisher Price Kick and Play is cool except the seat is too upright and the lights aren't bright enough. The rocker one is cool becuase it changes positions into what is almost a cradle and you can rock it and vibrate it. I should have spent the $60 and bought the Fisher Price Rainforest one. She loves every other rainforest product I should have bought that too.

5. Muchkin formula containers. Very useful but difficult to get all the powder out.

6. Munchkin on the go formula mixer. Very useful, shaking the bottles causes more air bubbles, but I always seem to forget it. I guess that is not really Munchkin's fault.

7. Chicco Travel System. Super easy to use, smooth ride, great for my tall husband, and really really heavy. Ugh the car seat is already so heavy and she only weighs 10lbs. Also there is virtually no access to the basket with the car seat in the stroller.

8. Fisher Price Rainforest Playmat. It has many toys and lights etc, she loves it. My only complaint is that the music is stupid. I got mom a Baby Einsteins one at a yard sale it is not as cool but it plays Bach...

9. The carters swing. They don't make the exact one I have any more but it is awesome. She likes to swing (especially if potomus is sitting in front of her). I love that it slows down when you are messing with her. I also like its variety of speeds and sounds. I don't like how long it takes to strap her in.

10. Chicco Playard. The remote for the vibrator and sounds is awesome. It is turdy has a good changing table. My only complaint it is still stupid that the mobile can't be on when the changing table is up. Right now we have the changing table always up. But she is getting long fast. We won't be able to have her in there with the changing table up for long.

11. The Baby Trend Walker. Walkers are a bit of a no no now. There are several ways the baby can get hurt in them. Well my freak child thinks she can stand and thus like being in a standing position. She has a jumperoo and an excersaucer but the seats are too big for her not even 2 month old body (they aren't made for two month olds) but she fits in the Baby Trend walker. Also she thinks the bears are going to speak to her.

Stuff I can't live without:
1. Potomus. I got this pink stuffed hippo for Scarlett. Thanks DK for giving my husband a nickname that has fused its way into every corner of my life. She stares at that thing like it is going to talk to her. it is creepy but buys me a half an hour every day.

2. InGenuity Bouncer from Bright Stars. It actually bounces, turns off automatically, and has lots of noises she likes. Including a white noise that doesn't bother us. She never slept in a bassinet and we tried 3 different ones. However she slept in this bouncer for a month and then we transitioned her to her crib by putting the bouncer in her crib then eventually her in the crib without the bouncer. Kind of like when you put a new fish in a tank.

3. The FisherPrice Rainforest Waterfall Peek-a-boo soother. What a stupid name but it attaches to the crib and has lights and noises and moving parts. The mobile didn't fit the crib (most mobiles don't fit modern cribs so be sure to check on that before you buy one). This thing is sufficiently important that Pat went out and got batteries for it at 11pm.

4. Julie Andrews. Sing or play almost any Julie Andrews and she will be quiet for at least 5 mins....she loves Sound of Music. She does not like books on tape.

5. Walmart Gas Drops. All other brands are like $5-$10 more expensive and work no better. We can not live with out gas drops.

6. Sassy stand up mirror. We have one on every floor. The kid likes to look at herself.

7. Dr. Brown's formula pitcher. I don't know how people make formula with out one.

8. Flannel Clothes. BRU sells them and we have them on all the changing tables. She makes a lot of messes it is easier to wash those then the changing pad cover so we have multiple layers.

9. Itzbeen. Its this little device that helps you keep track of when baby ate, slept, pooped, etc. My baby is a creature of habit. One can tell what is wrong by simply looking at the device. It also serves as a nice flashlight at 3am.

I'm sure I will come up with more but that is all I can think of now.

All the things I wish I had known: Baby Day

So it has been almost two months since I have posted...I had a baby. Turns out that keeps you busy. I'm going to give you all the details I can without grossing out any of the men who read my blog. I just want to start out by saying shame on all the mothers out there who fail to inform their friends of the details they really need.

One Saturday early in July I started "hurting." That is the best description I have. It was hard to explain. It wasn't like the contractions I had back in May. It kind of felt like bad cramps and back pain but it also kind of felt like I slept the wrong way. After a few hours of this I finally woke Pat up and said "I hurt." He says "be more specific."
"I can't."
"Are you going to have the baby?"
"I don't know."
"Why not?"
"I have never had one before."
"Lets look in the book."
"Hmmm maybe I am having a baby. My symptoms seem to be similar to labor."
"We should call the midwife."
"OUCH, so thats what a contraction feels like."

We leave a message with the calling service for the midwives (it was like 4 am) for one to call me back. A half hour later she calls and says "sorry it took so long, I was delivering a baby. What is going on?"
"No problem, that sounds like it was important, so I think I am having contractions, but I can't be sure. It hurts all the time but more then usually every 10 or so mins."
"Ok well take a shower and go for a walk. It will either get better or get much worse. When it gets worse every 3 mins then call back."

It got better. I know someone who was basically in labor, having contractions on and off for 3 weeks. Fantastic. That didn't seem to be the case. I worked the rest of the week without incident.

Two weeks later we make plans to have dinner at Jaleo and Pat finally agrees to let me have one drink for my birthday. Let me point out that the United Sates is the only western country that instructs pregnant women not to drink at all. In Europe they can have a glass of wine or beer a day. In Canada and England it is once a week. Here doctors tell women none at all so they don't get sued. You have to drink A LOT to get fetal alcohol poisoning. Pat spent my entire pregnancy saying "lets not take the risk." Ugh, its not like I wanted to down a shot of tequila daily. But he wasn't having it. He doesn't have very much control over the whole baby thing so I felt like I needed to capitulate on this one. Jaleo has the most amazing champagne and strawberry sangria and Pat said for my birthday he would let me have one. Yay! Also my German BFF had just come back so I was really looking forward to this dinner...dun dun dun.

Started having contractions that morning. This time I wouldn't be fooled by the pain. So I went to my parents house to swim in the pool. If I am going to have contractions I might as well get a tan. So they kept going. Pat downloaded this app on this phone that kept track of the length and interval. They got closer and closer, longer and longer, more and more painful. But dangit I was going to dinner. For months I wanted this baby out but today of all days...my sangria day! We went home around 4 pm so I could get dressed for dinner....dangit. Stupid contractions. We went to the hospital around 8 pm.

The ride to the hospital was long and painful and as soon as I got there I was screaming. I was sufficiently difficult that the midwife (my favorite midwife, Kay, the one who saw me the last time I was in the hospital) said give her the epidural. Then my awesome nurse, Naomi, said she could give me the epidural but once she did I couldn't walk or go to the bathroom. She said as an alternative I could have these other lighter drugs until the pain got worse and they might help me sleep. Those all sounded like good things; and they were. Pat and I actually got some sleep. Around 2 am or so the drugs wern't doing the job any more so they gave me the epidural. It wasn't nearly as scary as I thought it would be. They made Pat leave but Naomi let me hold onto her so I wouldn't jerk. The needle isn't huge and you don't see almost any of the procedure. The epidural really does eliminate the pain and for awhile that is a great thing. Plus you get a button you can push when it hurts again. This was fantastic for a few hours. You can't get up so they put a catheter in, not so bad when you can't feel anything. But this moment's peace is temporary.

The epidural only helps with the pain. It does nothing for the pressure. Let me tell you, there is a lot of pressure when you push a watermelon out! Around 8 am it started to get worse and they deemed I was 10 cm and it was time to get things going. Just in time for the awesome nurse Naomi and my favorite midwife Kay to change shifts. Naomi was replaced by a 50 year old women who talked to my like I was 10, but all in all she knew what I was doing. Kay was replaced by Donna who was on her very last day so she spent almost the entire labor saying goodbye to everyone who walked by. I can't remember the nurse's name but she asks me at about 8:30 am if I am ready to push. How the hell am I suppose to know if I am ready to push??? We have established that I have never done this before (and will never do it again). She said it wouldn't get any easier with time so I might as well start. I don't remember exactly when they broke my water but it is kind of weird you hear a gushing noise, but I couldn't feel it.

The nameless nurse also said to me "This is going to be the hardest thing you ever do but the harder you work the easier it will be." That is a terrible thing to say. I don't think any women take it easy on purpose to draw the whole processes out and keep enduring the pain. I kept reading about differnt birthing positions and I was like that is silly I want the old fashioned one, you know the one in the movies women sitting with her legs bent screaming in pain until the baby sort of pops out. Turns out that just isn't how it is done. This is thing one I blame my friends for not telling me. It involves lifting legs and contracting at the abdomen and all sorts of other weird things I don't even know how to type. Ladies who have yet to have babies, ask me and I will show you.

This is undoubtedly the most horrifying thing I have ever done. It was worsened by the fact that I had to have an oxygen mask on becuase of the epidural. I was soooooo hot and sweaty and they kept telling me I wasn't working hard enough, like I was holding out on them. They also told me to keep loose when I pushed...what a load of crap. How can I push harder and relax at the same time? They want you to push when the contraction is coming but I couldn't tell till it was halfway done and so I didn't get as much pushing as I should have each time. I seriously thought I was going to die. The pressure is the most horrible thing ever. I can't begin to imagine what it is like with out an epidural. Pat was there as expected but they also recruited my mom and sister to help. I don't really know how I feel about that. My poor sister never wants to give birth EVER. Because of the epidural you have no idea how much progress you are making but then Pat said he could see her head. Which was both gross and somewhat of a relief that progress was being made. Fortunately Alison, my sister, could not see this utter weirdness.

An hour later I couldn't get her any further out. Having been stuck in bed for months I had like no muscle mass left. I just couldn't do it. I literally could not have pushed one second longer so they called in an OB to suction her out. Which was relieving and depressing. I felt terrible that I couldn't do it and I worried about how it would affect her but I just didn't have the strength to do it. It didn't take very long and then she was out.

I read an article a few weeks prior called "Perfect. Just not picture perfect." It was all about how newly born babies actually look. They can be covered in goop, blood, rashes, hair, and other skin deformities. She didn't have any of these things. I mean she wasn't clean but she didn't look freaky. Her head on the other hand. The part of the skull where the suction cup was is completely separated from the skull. It was horrifying looking and it made me horribly depressed that my inadequacy did that to her. She was also swollen like she had an allergic reaction to a bee sting (something that was not in that article by the way). She was not cute at all. More like an alien. They wrapped her in a blanket quickly and gave her to me. Meanwhile they asked Pat to cut the cord but he was too in shock to do it. BTW the umbilical cord is creepy it is blue skin thing. And no I did not want to see the placenta but my sister and Pat seemed to be fascinated by it.

After she was fully separated from me they took her off to the side and did her measurements. She was born at 10:28, 7/17/2011 (my mother in laws birthday), 7lbs 9oz, 19.5 in. While they did that Donna stitched me up. I had a second degree tear. You can't feel the stitching but it isn't a pleasant thought. Thing two I am angry I wasn't told, there is no magic moment when you are handed your baby and you instantly fall in love. Ok maybe some women do, but I have since had enough people tell me they didn't that I am irritated I wasn't informed. I get that this is something people don't want to say. It sounds cruel. Well I am saying it. The moment wasn't there and becuase no one had told me this might happen I was completely depressed I didn't instantly fall in love.

They gave her back to me with a cap on her head which was great becuase her skull was really scary looking, I spent the entire first day putting that damn cap back on. Also she lost all the hair she had in the front from being yanked out of me rather unnaturally. Six weeks later I still make her wear a bow to cover it. I tell people it is becuase she is self conscious of her bald spot but really it is to make me feel better about the fact that I couldn't birth her. Moving on, Pat held her, then mom and Alison and dad. I was happy to let them have her but then I insisted on having her back still hoping for that magical bonding moment. I asked if I could feed her to help jump starting the mommy feeling so they gave me a bottle (I never breast fed her, I will get into that some other time). She is a pigglet. I let her have 1 oz and the nameless nurse scolded me and told me I gave her too much. Great...I have now screwed up twice and she had been out for less then an hour. They took her away to be bathed and inspected. We of course held our breaths for the report considering all her inutero difficulties. Meanwhile nameless nurse began the process of moving me from L&D to recovery.

The first time you go to the bathroom after giving birth seems almost as painful as labor. In that moment you begin to realize that this is not over yet. Misery is still very much in effect. Also I had a lot of trouble standing up after becuase of the epidural and nameless nurse told me it was in my head. She was not my favorite person. They put me in a wheel chair and take me from my very large and comfortable delivery room to the shoe box that is the recovery room. Poor Pat, my 6'4" husband had to sleep on a teeny tiny sofa.

The problem with having a baby on a Sunday is that everyone wants to come to see her that day becuase it is a weekend. That sucked hard core. I love my family for wanting to see her, but I was a wreck, in pain, and did not want my picture taken. The first person to come was my cousin Sarah. She would have come no matter the day or time and only stayed long enough to hug me and the baby. This was very considerate and Scarlett loves her aunt Sarah (well both of them). Oh that is her name Scarlett (with two ts) Victoria. It was nice to have her there though becuase Pat went home to shower and they hadn't brought my baby back and I didn't really want to be alone. Finally I sent her out to tell them to bring my baby back to me. There was some sort of mix up. Anyway, she was clean but still very swollen and her head was still beyond scary. Sarah kept putting her cap back on for me. As I got more and more tired she left me to rest. Like 30 seconds later everyone else showed up. One by one they held the baby, took pictures and I just lay there miserable beyond words.

There are a lot of reasons that first day was so hard for me. Pain and drugs being the simplest of them. I also think it was hard to bond with the baby since I spent so little time holding her the first day. In addition to that a dear friend had lost her baby earlier that week. In many ways I was so sad for her that I almost didn't feel right feeling happy for me. I don't want to say any more about that except that they will always be in my heart and prayers.

It wasn't until that night that I really was able to bond with her. She wouldn't sleep in the bassinet. I thought at the time she just wanted to be with me, turns out it was just cold, but all the same it was the first time I felt like a mother. Eventually my nurse said she had to go to the nursery becuase I needed to sleep. When I woke up at 6 am, I wondered down to the nursery and demanded my baby back. By then I had really started to feel like she was mine. I was still not at the magical bond point but we were on track.

So if she had been born in 1500 AD we would not have made it. Ok well I wouldn't have made it through pregnancy and we would have both died in labor since I couldn't get her out. But I was thinking more about the fact that I could hardly move after she was born. That would be the third thing I am pissed off no one told me. I don't know how single women do it and back in the day the only babies who survived were the ones born to women who popped them out then went back to work the field. It feels like you will never be normal again. That you will never not feel pain. There is no comfortable position; not sitting, not lying, and standing is nearly impossible. Almost everyone gets hemorrhoids and your digestive tract is all sorts of messed up and the pressure is ridiculous. It sucks it really really sucks and it got worse before it got better. Again, ladies who have yet to give birth I have more intimate details that I will happily share upon request. Lets just say that the blood alone makes you think you are dying. But the worst part is how bad you feel that you can't get up and go to her when she cries, you can't take care of her, another thing hindering the bonding process. People would bring her to me to feed her. It felt so fake.

By day three I was feeling "better." I was supposed to check out that afternoon, but I decided I wanted to go home at 6 am. So she and I both got exams and were released. Oh right so her health. Not only is she not sick and deformed, she is unusually healthy. Often it takes weeks for the skull to reform after suctioning. Hers went back in less then 24 hours. The pediatricians were shocked. Also she has more stem cells then any baby on record...ever. 750 million is about the top of the range. She has 2.5 billion. The jury is still out on that one. I let you know what the deal is once they finish studying them. BTW I may have given away the right to Scarlett's DNA. I should read things more carefully. But seriously, who is surprised that my baby is a freak? There are a lot of jokes flying around about Midi-chlorians and mutants. She has been called Wolverinea (super quick healing baby) and Stem Girl. Also she grew 3 in in the the first week and regained all the lost weight. Anyway back to going home. They came in to do my exam and gave me take home instructions. Only shower with your back to the shower so not to stimulate milk production, use cabbage leaves to help dry up the mild (btw I leaked for like a day and then nothing, finally something went right), don't exercise and then she says oh and don't have sex till you are cleared in six weeks. Seriously? You have got to be kidding me. The pain...It is just ridiculous notion. Anyway, in usual fashion, I jumped the gun and went home too soon was miserable for days and days and days. The picture was taken on her first day home (she was still puffy). The fourth thing I am irritated no one told me. Sure some people don't have those problems but a sufficient number do that someone should have told me that some day it will be better. Because I didn't know what I was going through was normal I feared I was going to be in pain forever.

However, a week later I was feeling much better (there were things that I did that helped this that I will spare the general public from those details). Within two weeks I was fantastic. I was so much better now that she is on the outside. I can once again eat fried foods, drink carbonated beverages, and sleep on my stomach!!!

I could go on and on about the first weeks of her life but I will try to summarize as best I can since this post has already taken you a half hour to read. If you have friends or family willing to stay with you and help out let them. Either my mother or sister were here for an entire month. By the time they had gone home she was only feeding at 8 pm, 1:30 am, and 5am, as apposed to 8 pm, 10 pm, 12 am, 2 am, 4 am, and 6 am. Now Pat and I each only have to do one night feeding. She never got better at sleeping in the bassinet, and we tried two different ones. She is extremely figity, just like her mommy. She needs to be swaddled almost to the point of suffocation and prior to being able to use the swaddle me, she had to essentially strapped into her blanket. Solution: strap her to the bouncy chair all night. We then transitioned her to the bouncy chair in her crib and at 6 weeks she is entirely in her crib. Sometimes she even goes from an 8 pm feeding to a 4 am feeding...Yay baby.

We are starting to get into the swing of things. My life revolves around bottles, bibs, and bjorns. I decided to stay home this year. Partially becuase I will liekly never have another and she will only be little once and partially becuase the county only gave me 6 weeks and it just wasn't enough. Today I met another teacher who decided to stay home and we wallowed in our sorrows together. It isn't easy but I am taking it one day at a time. I am not sure when I fell in love with her but it happened and she is the most precious thing ever and I intend to make the most of the time I have with her. Soon I will have many more adventures of motherhood to share with you.

P.S. I forgot to give props to Jenni who told me as much as she remembered from her birthing...