Poor, poor pitiful me

I'm tired, I hurt, and I'm sad. I've run out of the positive end of the rope for this week. It would probably be smart for me not to make this entry but I have no one to talk to. Basically the only people I ever see is my husband, my family on the weekend, and sometimes when I go over to sit in the pool Hunter comes out to talk to me. But now Pat is working like a dog for his master's class so when he comes home I barely get to see him. Its too hot this week for me to be outside so my trips to my parents house to swim are out of the question. I'm lonely.

I don't know how people did this before the internet. How did women in the middle ages not commit suicide during their "lying in period?"At least I can chat with varying people throughout the day on gmail or facebook but despite what MMO nerds think, it is not the same as actual human contact. Those conversations are about a millimeter thick. Even when I do see people, I feel a great deal of anxiety. Summer is starting and everyone is in a good mood. It has been 8 months and no one really wants to hear any more bad news from me. It is easier just to say I'm fine. In the beginning every one wanted to come over and visit me, though I had to cancel half the time becuase I was too busy throwing up. But now everyone has moved on and I am still stuck here. I can't go to the movies, I can't go downtown for taco Tuesday or the Post Hunt, I can't even go on a walk. A few weeks ago I walked from the Aquarium to the Harbor Mall for ice cream and I almost had the baby in the car on the way home. Once a week I can go church or community group or sometimes even a summer BBQ (and I still have to cancel half the time) but I have sit there on the sideline watching everyone else have fun. No one wants to sit quietly with me any more. I understand. Never the less I feel forgotten.

The last two weeks there have been all of these graduation events for the seniors and I went to most of them and watched again from the sideline. Doing so wreaked havoc on my body, but I couldn't not say goodbye to kids I have loved as my own for four years. But now that is over and I can't make excuses for going out and doing things that are dangerous for me and the baby anymore. People keep saying it will be over in two months, but it is hard to believe that. In two months there will be a very small person entirely dependent on me. I'll still be stuck at home alone only with the baby. Great I already have PPD. When she is past that completely breakable stage and life can hopefully reengage, nothing will be the same again. Not becuase of the baby, that is a good change. But I basically lost everything else. I've had to give up so much at school. Everything I have worked for over 4 years. It has all fallen apart and I won't be able to pick up the pieces with an infant at home. And I don't expect that my friendships will snap back into place any more then I expect my body to snap back into shape.

In some ways I feel like the seniors: everything will be different now. Someone always says at Graduation "this is the first day of the rest of your life." At 18 that is exciting. At 29 it is terrifying.

Craft Fare

My allergies are acting up again and I can't breathe even more then usual, so I can't sleep, so it is time to blog...

Being confined to the house again sucks. I get out a few times a week to go dinner or my parents but I have to remain seated (which I don't do well). Once a week Pat takes me to the grocery store and I can last about an hour. Other days I can't even walk to the mail box without feeling like the baby is going to fall out of me. At least I am home. But now we are back to filling up time. I think I have now watched every episode of Top Model, which I don't even like. I have been obsessively playing the Pawn Stars Facebook game, which has been down for the whole weekend, grrrr. What to do? What to do?

Having completed 3 baby blankets, I am now crocheting a big fluffy white one for Scarlett. But that is more like a 2 month project rather then a 3 week one. My goal is to be done by the time she is born. Provided of course that she keeps on cooking. Side note: Pat decided he was going to get in shape before baby makes her appearance. So as I am becoming more hippo like he is getting all buff and skinny. Damn him. He has 10 lbs to go to get back to his pre-wedding weight. He'll surely make it. Do you know how long it takes woman to loose 10 lbs?

Back to the point. A 2 month project is not as satisfying. I like instant gratification. So I went to Michaels one day got a bunch of fake flowers, feathers, and rhinestones and starting making baby hair bows. People seemed to like them so I decided to put some up for sale on Etsy. To visit my store click here. I have no real expectations of selling things but it only costs $0.20 to list an item and it gives me an excuse to make more. If you have never visited this site before stop reading and go check it out. Their motto is "Your place to buy and sell all things handmade, vintage, and supplies." I have spent hours trolling this site looking at all the cleverness that is out there. For example, my friend Jesse, makes these sweet belt buckles and jewelry from old skate boards. Check out Deckhand Designs. I recently bought a diaper caddy in a Dr. Seuss print that I am really excited about. Search Dr. Seuss and you could browse for days and days.

Anyway after perusing around for hours I got inspired to make decorated wipe cases. Pat came downstairs and looked at my like I was crazy. What on earth is the point of having a pretty case for something that is going to be used on a baby's butt? But it kept me busy for at least 2 hours. I've also been inspired to make Dr. Seuss themed letters for the nursery and possibly a tutu or two. I'm making Pat take me back to Michaels tomorrow. This could keep me occupied for months...

A Hairy Situation

Status update: much as predicted, wait and we'll see is the doctor's orders. I saw the midwife on Friday and she said that the contractions caused the baby to move down low and her head is pushing down on my cervix. So I have to go back on bed rest, well modified bed rest, which means I can sit on the couch rather than in bed. I can go out occasionally but I learned over the weekend that if I stand for too long I feel like she is going to fall out and it really hurts. Basically I am to stay off my feet so gravity doesn't do its part in making this baby come early. I have to wear the stupid belly band all the time becuase it will "encourage" her not to go to low. I go back in two weeks and they will re-evaluate.

I think I got a single month of peace. In addition to being "stuck in place" again, I have terrible heart burn and I can't breathe. My diet is restricted again and sleeping is a thing of the past. It is really depressing. I know last week I was all flustered about going back to work but I was really looking forward to getting something of normalcy back. I really want to be a member of society again. I went to a HOA meeting last night and it was the first time I ever enjoyed a meeting. I sit on the board and people fight and there is no pleasing anyone and usually it sucks. Last night I got a real high from it becuase I think it was the first time I have done something productive in like 6 months. But then I came home and felt like crap. I'm starting to realize if I don't do what they tell me I really am going to have this baby 10 weeks early. *Sigh* Pat made me pack my hospital bag "just in case." It is so surreal. This morning I was looking at my ginormous hippo belly in the mirror and I thought "huh, I am pregnant." You'd think I would have accepted that by now.

There is a silver lining here though. I had an ultrasound yesterday. I can report the following: She is in fact head down and very low but she is very active (surprise, surprise) which is apparently a very good sign at this point in the pregnancy. We saw her playing with her hands and yawning. That was very cool. Her organs are all intact and functioning properly. Oh and she has hair. Yes, hair. I can't believe they can tell that on a sonogram but you can, they printed me a picture and sure enough she has hair. Also, according tot he ultrasound tech she is going to be cute. I don't know how she knows that. She does seem to have a cute little nose, but generally speaking newborns are not cute they are kind of creepy looking.

I was very happy to see her yesterday. After all the drama from last week it was reassuring. She actually seemed like a little person and not just an alien. I think I may have teared up a bit when I saw her yawn. Pat is starting to get really excited. He has been pretty nervous but after seeing her yesterday he can't wait to meet her. I am getting teary eyed just thinking about it. Hormones are stupid...At this point all I want to do is hold her in my arms, but not for another 10 weeks, so stay put child!

A Trip to Labor and Delivery

About 36 hours ago I started to feel really terrible. Exacerbated by watching Due Date (that is 2 hours of my life I will never get back). I started throwing up and having other digestive issues. On top of that my back and belly were even more sore then usual. I got no sleep, I just felt wrong. I also have been having a lot of trouble breathing. Part of it, as I mentioned in a previous post, is that my diaphragm is being compressed by uterus. But I also found out on Tuesday that I am anemic from being malnourished for 5 months and that is also contributing to my shortness of breath.

So I got maybe 3 hours of sleep that night and woke up feeling horrible still. I said to my mom I feel like I have the flu. She asked what my symptoms were and I listed the aforementioned and I said my belly is really hard and there is a lot of pressure on my cervix. I realized I was having contractions but I wasn't sure if they were Braxton Hicks, false labor, or the real deal. She says well that could be the flu but it also sounds a lot like premature labor symptoms so I should call the doctor. So I say well I'll wait and hour and see if I feel better, but it occurred to me that the flu wouldn't go away in an hour so I call the doctor. They say come in and don't drive yourself. Of course Pat was in a meeting, mom was at school, and my sister, as usually, was not answering her phone. So I called my friend Mike who instantly came and picked me up (Thanks!!!).

They saw me right away at the doctors, did like a 3 min examination and said go over to the hospital...??? I had sent Mike home thinking I would be at the doctors forever and I would call him or my sister to pick me up later. Fortunately the doctors office is across the street from the hospital and I had brought an umbrella becuase it was raining cats and dogs! I called my mom at school scared out of my mind. And I felt like the bay was going to fall out of me on the walk over. I wondered into the lobby and asked them where labor and delivery was, I felt really stupid. They ask me are you visiting? No, but I might be having a baby. Oh well are we expecting you? Yeah, in two months...

So I have to say props to L&D at HCGH they were quick to see me and very nice. My doctor's office always has a doctor and a midwife in the hospital so they took care of me right away. I was really scared at first and alone but the nurses were very sweet and they told me not to freak out too much and the doctors always send women having contractions over "just in case" rather then doing a complete assessment in the office. That made me feel much better. Wasn't too long before mom showed up. (I need to say thanks to Hunter, my sister's 20 year old bf, who was next door at school working on a like 10 hour engineering practical but said he would come over to be with me if I needed him).

Good news: I did not have a baby. I'm not going to get into all the gory details but basically I had a stomach bug and I became really dehydrated and that caused the contractions. They gave me zofram for the nausea and gave me fluids intravenously and the contracts stopped. Fortunately she is suborn and stayed way up high and refused to come down and be born. Good job Scarlett. Side note, even the L&D nurses were really impressed by her inability to sit still. They had trouble with the contraction monitor and the heartbeat monitor becuase she kept squirming about and moving them.

Bad news: I still feel like crap and I am back on the BRAT diet. I'm so hungry...I was finally able to eat and now its jello and saltines again. Contractions are painful, and I am told they will be worse when I actually go into labor. I feel like I did 1,000 sit-ups last night. I'm also confined to the bed and couch for a few days. As for going back to work next week, who knows. I go back to the doctor on Friday and they will make a decision then, though I fear the decision will be come back in a week and we'll see.

Now the whining. I'm so tired of this. There was a brief moment yesterday when I thought, well at least it might be over. It was brief though. I am glad she is still in there cooking, its just hard. I'm tired of feeling like crap, I am tired of feeling overwhelmed and I am tired of feeling like a failure. I know none of this is my fault, but it feels like I can't get anything right. I can't work, I can't seem to grow a baby properly, and I can't be a good friend, daughter, sister or wife right now either. A friend posted this on my FB today "I promise it's worth it. The first time she smiles at you will make everything else melt away." I am going to end with that, becuase it is more beautiful then anything I can dream up.

Distance Runner

No I am not training for a marathon. I don't get women who continue to work out into their third trimester (Gisele Bundchen). I walk every day and can even swim a bit, but running and kick boxing??? No its not possible. Even pregnancy yoga is kind of a joke it takes like 5 min to get into a position, 5 min to hold, and another 5 to get out. So unless you are doing hours of the stuff its really more for stretching then working out. No "Distance Runner" is a metaphor.

I went to school today. In case you didn't know I am a teacher who has been on medical leave for 4 months. I am hoping to go back this coming Monday and I wanted to pick some stuff up to get myself ready. Today was mostly fine. I was tired when I got home, but otherwise I was physically fine. I will only have 4 classes when I come back (seniors will have graduated). My first period will be left with like 6 kids. I am a little worried about my 5th period which is filled with rowdy 9th graders but I think I can handle it for a month. My second period is going to be a night mare. As far as I can tell they have done nothing but play games for 4 months. I'm not going to bash my sub on the internet, but it just wasn't a great situation. Its not entirely his fault. There is no one qualified to teach my engineering classes. But I don't know how I am going to re-chain leviathan.

Emotionally, going back was another story. 99.9% of the people I spoke to today felt the need to tell me how much things fell apart without me. How was that supposed to make me feel? I think most of them were trying to make me feel needed, but it translated into guilt. Its not like I have been on a pleasure cruise for 4 months. It was not my choice to sit at home in bed. For months I agonized over what I was leaving behind. The stress did physical damage to my health. I had finally got over it only to come back and have it rubbed in my face. Which brings me back to my running metaphor.

This weekend my pastor preached about endurance. He said you don't learn to be patient by laying in a hammock reading a book. You learn by suffering day in and day out and enduring it. Every obstacle we face in life presents us with an opportunity to endure and overcome. It is not the destination that matters but the journey itself. Life is not a 5k it is a marathon. Speed doesn't matter, endurance does.

I truly believe that all of this has happened to me to teach me humility. I've been brought to my knees to be humbled by all that lay before me. In all of my professional career I have never once put my family first. Now, nothing is more important to me. You can't always make lemonade when life hands you lemons. But you can learn to tolerate them. I intend to go back, take my punches, and keep running. I'm just running in a different direction now and at a different pace. Learning to accept that I am now in the 10 min mile group and not the 6 is probably the most important lesson I have ever learned.

Update on Baby Stuff

First some addendum to make:

1. The cheapest way to buy diapers is an Amazon subscription. Pampers has the best deal. Basically you get 30% off by subscribing, meaning they ship them to your house, no shipping fees, at any interval you wish. They email you before they ship them so you can change the size and you can cancel at any time. Target's brand, which people seem to love, is around the same price depending on the size. However, the Target is 20 min from my house and my front door is two steps, 10 if I am upstairs. Gas is about 4.00/gallon these days so I like those numbers. Wipes are about the same deal. Target brand is about the same price as the subscription but we have determined I am lazy and want to save on gas.

2. Formula is hella expensive. Too bad I can't breast feed but I can't so there is no use in crying over spilt milk (no pun intended Super Pat). The word is that store brand is exactly the same as the name brand. Target, Walmart, and Costco all run about $0.50/oz (for powder and it takes one scoops of powder to make 2 oz of milk) and the name brands are $1/oz. Holy crap that is a big difference. They say you can get a ton of coupons for the name brands but if you don't have one...seems like a no brainer. I'd prefer to use Costco's. You can buy it in bulk in the store and the store is 5 min away. But reviews say it is foamy when you first mix it and have to let it settle. Sounds like a lot of work to me. Wal-Mart's brand has mostly really good reviews, but a few people say it smells, stains clothes, and sometimes the powders is chunky. But Wal-Mart is so close and we have a Super Wal-Mart and that is where we grocery shop. Maybe I'll ask Pat what he thinks about it (novel idea, no?). I know lots of people who use Target's and they all seem fine. But again it is 20 min away and I don't go there often. You can buy it online in bulk with free shipping. But Target has a terrible return policy. Not that I plan on doing a lot of returning in the formula department but formula is one of those things that some babies have problems with certain brands. Target's is supposed to be the same as Enfamil and Wal-Mart is supposed to be the same as Similac. So maybe I will buy a few of the individual cans at Target and if it is a problem I will return them and try Wal-Marts...or maybe I should do it the other way around. Oh and one more thing, it does not pay to buy formula in bulk. No Amazon subscription. Which leads one to believe that formula is very expensive to make and the profit margin is not very large. Alas.

3. Trip says he likes the diaper warmer. He has like a two week old and says cold bottoms at 3 Am are not cool (again with the pun). But I am not convinced.

4. I checked out my friend's Graco Meal Time High Chair. She seems to like it and the tray does not seem too difficult to get on and off. But she def puts him in and pulls him out without removing the tray. She likes it becuase the cover is machine washable and it folds up nicely. However, the seat is in permanently reclined back slightly, good younger babies, bad for older ones. Its also $70, $60 less then the one I chose. I could almost buy two for that price, but it only comes in brown, green, baby blue, and pink. I still like the Joovy better.

Now some updates on my baby stuff acquisitions:

I have been hitting up the yard sales pretty hard. If any one knows of some coming up, holler. I have acquired the following: 3 baby bouncers ranging from $5-15 in price, a glider for $25 (the padding has taken a beating and the fabric is worn but these retail at $150, so at $25 it is both extraordinarily comfortable and pretty), two jersey sheets for $5, 3 receiving blankets for $4, a brand new Dr. Brown's microwave sterilizer with two bottles for $5!!!, formula mixing pitcher for $3, a car bottle warmer (none of these work well so I am glad I got one cheap) for $3, and a bunch of clothes...oh the clothes.

When I got the test results back that she didn't have a major genetic disorder I went shopping. It was therapeutic and made me feel excited to be pregnant for the first time. I got a bunch of cute outfits from the Carter's outlet. Big mistake. At yard sales you can get basically all baby clothes for $0.25 a piece. Little babies only wear clothes for such a short period of time that they don't destroy them. Now I have too many and have to skip over this fabulous part of yard sales. Consignment stores and big Mom2Mom sales have clothes ranging from $4-8. Not a great deal but I admit I have bought some of these too. Early on I also bought some used clothes on ebay. Why did I do this? They averaged out to be about $1 each, including shipping and handling but I threw out 3 or 4 becuase of the condition. That is what you get for not seeing the product first. In addition to the clothes I bought. Mike gave me a huge box of hand-me-downs he got from some friend of his. In a million years she could not wear all of them. BTW all of these clothes are 0-6. That could conceivably only last 3 months. I'm hoping to get some more hand-me-downs in the larger sizes. Oh and I will surely get more tiny clothes at my shower.

I have also gotten some cool toys. I don't want a million toys. I have one closet and two storage cubs she can keep them in. Any more then that will go straight to grandmas. I bought this cool dinosaur ball thing for $10. I don't really know how to explain it. You put a ball in one of the holes it lights up, makes noises and then rolls down its neck or tail or through the leg. Sounds kind of creepy but it is really cool. My pekingese agrees. I also got this cool vtech toy, which retail for ridiculous prices, that has 3 parts. First its got this piano/car dashboard (weird combo right?) that makes noises and has buttons and leavers. The baby can play with this on the floor. Then when she is bigger it has a stand so she can stand up and play with it. Finally that stand has wheels so she can push it around. Another $10. Good stuff. She now needs no more toys.

I have also "won" some stuff on ebay (I am including shipping prices). A breathable bumper for $20 which retails at $30. I found out the next week I could have borrowed a friends. I got an itzbeen for $15, retails for $25-30, a Dr. Brown's bottle warmer for $20, retails $40, a boppy for $10, and a softer cover for $10, together retail would be $40+. Ugh I admit I got into a bidding war today for 3 8oz Playtex Drop-In bottles, two new (no box) and 1 used. I paid $11.95, new 12.99. What a shame. I have tried several times to get a Moby wrap but I am only willing to go up to $30 since they retail for $40. I keep loosing to people who seem to be willing to go up to $35 plus shipping...?

Once Upon a Time is a great second hand store with two locations near me. I got a really nice Carter's Swing for $55, retails at $175. It is in perfect condition. I also got one of those leapfrog interactive tables for like $15 which the kids at church seem to love so that is exciting. They also have a lot of new clothes at discount prices. I also got a swaddle me, its pink leopard print. Pat rolled his eyes.

One day I was managing my registry and noticed that Amazon had a Rainforest Activity Mat for $35, plus $8 shipping. I immediately bought it since they retail at $70. After I bought it I realized the vendor had a terrible rating. Upon investigating this person was reviewed as selling not new items. Sure enough mine came in this terrible packaging, without the original box and it was slightly stained, one of the leaves won't come off and had fur on it. I contacted the seller. I got no response. I filed a claim. Yay Amazon, they refunded all of my money. I'd have been really pissed if they hadn't though. When one buys a new item from Amazon they expect it to be new. They seem to know this. Upon rating the seller (Paradise Yardie, DO NOT BUY). She emailed me saying if you thought the thing was so terrible why didn't you return it. Well for one she never contacted me saying to return it and two it would have cost me $30 to ship it back properly. So all in all I am pleased. I got the thing for free.

So far I have gotten a bathtub and a walker lent to me. I still think I am going to get a bumbo, a Bjorn, and a bassinet lent to me as well. We are making great progress.

I get to celebrate Mother's Day?

Today was my first Mother's Day. I hadn't really thought about celebrating it. I feel more like a kangaroo right now then a mother. Though I have started refering to my self as Mommy when I speak to the joey (the proper name for a baby kangaroo) in my pouch. But people kept telling me no you qualify. I'm not very sentimental. I wouldn't have been upset with Pat if he hadn't given me anything. I certainly didn't expect it. But when I came down for breakfast this morning I found a tulips (which remind me of my grandparents) and a card. All sentimental cards are stupid. Honestly what is Hallmark thinking? So its really up to the author to make it special...and it was.

To my mother-to-be,
I love you so very very much. Hope that you enjoy the last Mother's Day that we will spend without our lovely daughter. Next year she will be able to hug you on Mother's Day!
Love, Pat

I can't even type it without crying. I was so emotional about it this morning I couldn't even finish my Special K with freeze dried strawberries (my favorite meal of the day!!!!). We had a nice lunch with the family at the Diamond Back Tavern and they gave roses to all the mothers. I got one too. I guess that makes it official. Of course the pastor was talking about pregnancy this morning...more crying. Then he starts talking about suffering and the contractions start...ugh is it July yet?

Poor pitiful me, I finally am starting to feel better just in time to enter that unbearable part of pregnancy where everything hurts: back, belly, legs, etc. There are no more good night sleeps. There is no comfortable positions. I can't breathe when I lie down (whats that about?). I wake up once an hour to pee (I don't know where its all coming from, I didn't drink a barrel of water). And every time I wake up I am like "oh I don't really need to pee, I'll fall back asleep." Wrong! I don't know why I do that, I know I HAVE to pee. Ugh.

Well all that aside I am still kind of enjoying it. I talk to her. It is kind of weird. I know all women do it, but not being the sentimental type I didn't expect I would. I rub my belly a lot to see where she is and when I find her I pat her. I know its so creepy. When I was at school last week I stopped by a friend's classroom and she came out and asked if she could touch my belly. I said sure! I was shocked. I always assumed I wouldn't be the type to let people touch but apparently I don't mind. I mean she wasn't some random lady in the grocery store but I don't even like hugging people, so the notion that I'd let someone feel my belly is totally strange.

I had another sonogram on Thursday. It went well I guess. She was moving around so much they could barely get a heart beat. But once she turned straight towards the wand and looked right at us! It was both very cool and very creepy. Hi baby! Wait, does she known we're looking at her??? They still couldn't get the measurements off her neck very well but they seemed fairly satisfied with results so I asked, can we not do this every other week any more? How about monthly? No. We need to keep checking to make sure she is not developing abnormally. Ugh (how many ughs is that so far?). I guess no one will ever tell me its just going to be ok. They don't want to get sued. I just want to hold her in my arms and know she is ok. Truthfully, I probably won't really stop being scared till I see her walk and talk and know she really is ok.

A friend of mine had a baby in November and she is the sweetest, cutest, happiest, little thing and I just love her to death. She keeps telling me (Mom not the baby) that I will love mine even more. Its hard to imagine. I can't wait for next Mother's Day...