So it has been almost two months since I have posted...I had a baby. Turns out that keeps you busy. I'm going to give you all the details I can without grossing out any of the men who read my blog. I just want to start out by saying shame on all the mothers out there who fail to inform their friends of the details they really need.
One Saturday early in July I started "hurting." That is the best description I have. It was hard to explain. It wasn't like the contractions I had back in May. It kind of felt like bad cramps and back pain but it also kind of felt like I slept the wrong way. After a few hours of this I finally woke Pat up and said "I hurt." He says "be more specific."
"I can't."
"Are you going to have the baby?"
"I don't know."
"Why not?"
"I have never had one before."
"Lets look in the book."
"Hmmm maybe I am having a baby. My symptoms seem to be similar to labor."
"We should call the midwife."
"OUCH, so thats what a contraction feels like."
We leave a message with the calling service for the midwives (it was like 4 am) for one to call me back. A half hour later she calls and says "sorry it took so long, I was delivering a baby. What is going on?"
"No problem, that sounds like it was important, so I think I am having contractions, but I can't be sure. It hurts all the time but more then usually every 10 or so mins."
"Ok well take a shower and go for a walk. It will either get better or get much worse. When it gets worse every 3 mins then call back."
It got better. I know someone who was basically in labor, having contractions on and off for 3 weeks. Fantastic. That didn't seem to be the case. I worked the rest of the week without incident.
Two weeks later we make plans to have dinner at Jaleo and Pat finally agrees to let me have one drink for my birthday. Let me point out that the United Sates is the only western country that instructs pregnant women not to drink at all. In Europe they can have a glass of wine or beer a day. In Canada and England it is once a week. Here doctors tell women none at all so they don't get sued. You have to drink A LOT to get fetal alcohol poisoning. Pat spent my entire pregnancy saying "lets not take the risk." Ugh, its not like I wanted to down a shot of tequila daily. But he wasn't having it. He doesn't have very much control over the whole baby thing so I felt like I needed to capitulate on this one. Jaleo has the most amazing champagne and strawberry sangria and Pat said for my birthday he would let me have one. Yay! Also my German BFF had just come back so I was really looking forward to this dinner...dun dun dun.
Started having contractions that morning. This time I wouldn't be fooled by the pain. So I went to my parents house to swim in the pool. If I am going to have contractions I might as well get a tan. So they kept going. Pat downloaded this app on this phone that kept track of the length and interval. They got closer and closer, longer and longer, more and more painful. But dangit I was going to dinner. For months I wanted this baby out but today of all days...my sangria day! We went home around 4 pm so I could get dressed for dinner....dangit. Stupid contractions. We went to the hospital around 8 pm.
The ride to the hospital was long and painful and as soon as I got there I was screaming. I was sufficiently difficult that the midwife (my favorite midwife, Kay, the one who saw me the last time I was in the hospital) said give her the epidural. Then my awesome nurse, Naomi, said she could give me the epidural but once she did I couldn't walk or go to the bathroom. She said as an alternative I could have these other lighter drugs until the pain got worse and they might help me sleep. Those all sounded like good things; and they were. Pat and I actually got some sleep. Around 2 am or so the drugs wern't doing the job any more so they gave me the epidural. It wasn't nearly as scary as I thought it would be. They made Pat leave but Naomi let me hold onto her so I wouldn't jerk. The needle isn't huge and you don't see almost any of the procedure. The epidural really does eliminate the pain and for awhile that is a great thing. Plus you get a button you can push when it hurts again. This was fantastic for a few hours. You can't get up so they put a catheter in, not so bad when you can't feel anything. But this moment's peace is temporary.
The epidural only helps with the pain. It does nothing for the pressure. Let me tell you, there is a lot of pressure when you push a watermelon out! Around 8 am it started to get worse and they deemed I was 10 cm and it was time to get things going. Just in time for the awesome nurse Naomi and my favorite midwife Kay to change shifts. Naomi was replaced by a 50 year old women who talked to my like I was 10, but all in all she knew what I was doing. Kay was replaced by Donna who was on her very last day so she spent almost the entire labor saying goodbye to everyone who walked by. I can't remember the nurse's name but she asks me at about 8:30 am if I am ready to push. How the hell am I suppose to know if I am ready to push??? We have established that I have never done this before (and will never do it again). She said it wouldn't get any easier with time so I might as well start. I don't remember exactly when they broke my water but it is kind of weird you hear a gushing noise, but I couldn't feel it.
The nameless nurse also said to me "This is going to be the hardest thing you ever do but the harder you work the easier it will be." That is a terrible thing to say. I don't think any women take it easy on purpose to draw the whole processes out and keep enduring the pain. I kept reading about differnt birthing positions and I was like that is silly I want the old fashioned one, you know the one in the movies women sitting with her legs bent screaming in pain until the baby sort of pops out. Turns out that just isn't how it is done. This is thing one I blame my friends for not telling me. It involves lifting legs and contracting at the abdomen and all sorts of other weird things I don't even know how to type. Ladies who have yet to have babies, ask me and I will show you.
This is undoubtedly the most horrifying thing I have ever done. It was worsened by the fact that I had to have an oxygen mask on becuase of the epidural. I was soooooo hot and sweaty and they kept telling me I wasn't working hard enough, like I was holding out on them. They also told me to keep loose when I pushed...what a load of crap. How can I push harder and relax at the same time? They want you to push when the contraction is coming but I couldn't tell till it was halfway done and so I didn't get as much pushing as I should have each time. I seriously thought I was going to die. The pressure is the most horrible thing ever. I can't begin to imagine what it is like with out an epidural. Pat was there as expected but they also recruited my mom and sister to help. I don't really know how I feel about that. My poor sister never wants to give birth EVER. Because of the epidural you have no idea how much progress you are making but then Pat said he could see her head. Which was both gross and somewhat of a relief that progress was being made. Fortunately Alison, my sister, could not see this utter weirdness.
An hour later I couldn't get her any further out. Having been stuck in bed for months I had like no muscle mass left. I just couldn't do it. I literally could not have pushed one second longer so they called in an OB to suction her out. Which was relieving and depressing. I felt terrible that I couldn't do it and I worried about how it would affect her but I just didn't have the strength to do it. It didn't take very long and then she was out.
I read an article a few weeks prior called "Perfect. Just not picture perfect." It was all about how newly born babies actually look. They can be covered in goop, blood, rashes, hair, and other skin deformities. She didn't have any of these things. I mean she wasn't clean but she didn't look freaky. Her head on the other hand. The part of the skull where the suction cup was is completely separated from the skull. It was horrifying looking and it made me horribly depressed that my inadequacy did that to her. She was also swollen like she had an allergic reaction to a bee sting (something that was not in that article by the way). She was not cute at all. More like an alien. They wrapped her in a blanket quickly and gave her to me. Meanwhile they asked Pat to cut the cord but he was too in shock to do it. BTW the umbilical cord is creepy it is blue skin thing. And no I did not want to see the placenta but my sister and Pat seemed to be fascinated by it.
After she was fully separated from me they took her off to the side and did her measurements. She was born at 10:28, 7/17/2011 (my mother in laws birthday), 7lbs 9oz, 19.5 in. While they did that Donna stitched me up. I had a second degree tear. You can't feel the stitching but it isn't a pleasant thought. Thing two I am angry I wasn't told, there is no magic moment when you are handed your baby and you instantly fall in love. Ok maybe some women do, but I have since had enough people tell me they didn't that I am irritated I wasn't informed. I get that this is something people don't want to say. It sounds cruel. Well I am saying it. The moment wasn't there and becuase no one had told me this might happen I was completely depressed I didn't instantly fall in love.
They gave her back to me with a cap on her head which was great becuase her skull was really scary looking, I spent the entire first day putting that damn cap back on. Also she lost all the hair she had in the front from being yanked out of me rather unnaturally. Six weeks later I still make her wear a bow to cover it. I tell people it is becuase she is self conscious of her bald spot but really it is to make me feel better about the fact that I couldn't birth her. Moving on, Pat held her, then mom and Alison and dad. I was happy to let them have her but then I insisted on having her back still hoping for that magical bonding moment. I asked if I could feed her to help jump starting the mommy feeling so they gave me a bottle (I never breast fed her, I will get into that some other time). She is a pigglet. I let her have 1 oz and the nameless nurse scolded me and told me I gave her too much. Great...I have now screwed up twice and she had been out for less then an hour. They took her away to be bathed and inspected. We of course held our breaths for the report considering all her inutero difficulties. Meanwhile nameless nurse began the process of moving me from L&D to recovery.
The first time you go to the bathroom after giving birth seems almost as painful as labor. In that moment you begin to realize that this is not over yet. Misery is still very much in effect. Also I had a lot of trouble standing up after becuase of the epidural and nameless nurse told me it was in my head. She was not my favorite person. They put me in a wheel chair and take me from my very large and comfortable delivery room to the shoe box that is the recovery room. Poor Pat, my 6'4" husband had to sleep on a teeny tiny sofa.
The problem with having a baby on a Sunday is that everyone wants to come to see her that day becuase it is a weekend. That sucked hard core. I love my family for wanting to see her, but I was a wreck, in pain, and did not want my picture taken. The first person to come was my cousin Sarah. She would have come no matter the day or time and only stayed long enough to hug me and the baby. This was very considerate and Scarlett loves her aunt Sarah (well both of them). Oh that is her name Scarlett (with two ts) Victoria. It was nice to have her there though becuase Pat went home to shower and they hadn't brought my baby back and I didn't really want to be alone. Finally I sent her out to tell them to bring my baby back to me. There was some sort of mix up. Anyway, she was clean but still very swollen and her head was still beyond scary. Sarah kept putting her cap back on for me. As I got more and more tired she left me to rest. Like 30 seconds later everyone else showed up. One by one they held the baby, took pictures and I just lay there miserable beyond words.
There are a lot of reasons that first day was so hard for me. Pain and drugs being the simplest of them. I also think it was hard to bond with the baby since I spent so little time holding her the first day. In addition to that a dear friend had lost her baby earlier that week. In many ways I was so sad for her that I almost didn't feel right feeling happy for me. I don't want to say any more about that except that they will always be in my heart and prayers.
It wasn't until that night that I really was able to bond with her. She wouldn't sleep in the bassinet. I thought at the time she just wanted to be with me, turns out it was just cold, but all the same it was the first time I felt like a mother. Eventually my nurse said she had to go to the nursery becuase I needed to sleep. When I woke up at 6 am, I wondered down to the nursery and demanded my baby back. By then I had really started to feel like she was mine. I was still not at the magical bond point but we were on track.
So if she had been born in 1500 AD we would not have made it. Ok well I wouldn't have made it through pregnancy and we would have both died in labor since I couldn't get her out. But I was thinking more about the fact that I could hardly move after she was born. That would be the third thing I am pissed off no one told me. I don't know how single women do it and back in the day the only babies who survived were the ones born to women who popped them out then went back to work the field. It feels like you will never be normal again. That you will never not feel pain. There is no comfortable position; not sitting, not lying, and standing is nearly impossible. Almost everyone gets hemorrhoids and your digestive tract is all sorts of messed up and the pressure is ridiculous. It sucks it really really sucks and it got worse before it got better. Again, ladies who have yet to give birth I have more intimate details that I will happily share upon request. Lets just say that the blood alone makes you think you are dying. But the worst part is how bad you feel that you can't get up and go to her when she cries, you can't take care of her, another thing hindering the bonding process. People would bring her to me to feed her. It felt so fake.
By day three I was feeling "better." I was supposed to check out that afternoon, but I decided I wanted to go home at 6 am. So she and I both got exams and were released. Oh right so her health. Not only is she not sick and deformed, she is unusually healthy. Often it takes weeks for the skull to reform after suctioning. Hers went back in less then 24 hours. The pediatricians were shocked. Also she has more stem cells then any baby on record...ever. 750 million is about the top of the range. She has 2.5 billion. The jury is still out on that one. I let you know what the deal is once they finish studying them. BTW I may have given away the right to Scarlett's DNA. I should read things more carefully. But seriously, who is surprised that my baby is a freak? There are a lot of jokes flying around about
Midi-chlorians and mutants. She has been called Wolverinea (super quick healing baby) and Stem Girl. Also she grew 3 in in the the first week and regained all the lost weight. Anyway back to going home. They came in to do my exam and gave me take home instructions. Only shower with your back to the shower so not to stimulate milk production, use cabbage leaves to help dry up the mild (btw I leaked for like a day and then nothing, finally something went right), don't exercise and then she says oh and don't have sex till you are cleared in six weeks. Seriously? You have got to be kidding me. The pain...It is just ridiculous notion. Anyway, in usual fashion, I jumped the gun and went home too soon was miserable for days and days and days. The picture was taken on her first day home (she was still puffy). The fourth thing I am irritated no one told me. Sure some people don't have those problems but a sufficient number do that someone should have told me that some day it will be better. Because I didn't know what I was going through was normal I feared I was going to be in pain forever.
However, a week later I was feeling much better (there were things that I did that helped this that I will spare the general public from those details). Within two weeks I was fantastic. I was so much better now that she is on the outside. I can once again eat fried foods, drink carbonated beverages, and sleep on my stomach!!!
I could go on and on about the first weeks of her life but I will try to summarize as best I can since this post has already taken you a half hour to read. If you have friends or family willing to stay with you and help out let them. Either my mother or sister were here for an entire month. By the time they had gone home she was only feeding at 8 pm, 1:30 am, and 5am, as apposed to 8 pm, 10 pm, 12 am, 2 am, 4 am, and 6 am. Now Pat and I each only have to do one night feeding. She never got better at sleeping in the bassinet, and we tried two different ones. She is extremely figity, just like her mommy. She needs to be swaddled almost to the point of suffocation and prior to being able to use the swaddle me, she had to essentially strapped into her blanket. Solution: strap her to the bouncy chair all night. We then transitioned her to the bouncy chair in her crib and at 6 weeks she is entirely in her crib. Sometimes she even goes from an 8 pm feeding to a 4 am feeding...Yay baby.
We are starting to get into the swing of things. My life revolves around bottles, bibs, and bjorns. I decided to stay home this year. Partially becuase I will liekly never have another and she will only be little once and partially becuase the county only gave me 6 weeks and it just wasn't enough. Today I met another teacher who decided to stay home and we wallowed in our sorrows together. It isn't easy but I am taking it one day at a time. I am not sure when I fell in love with her but it happened and she is the most precious thing ever and I intend to make the most of the time I have with her. Soon I will have many more adventures of motherhood to share with you.
P.S. I forgot to give props to Jenni who told me as much as she remembered from her birthing...
She is now 8 weeks old. Some stuff sucks and some I can't live without.
