But how can you wash the baby while she is still inside her belly?

Says my friend's 3 year old when her mom told her we were having a baby shower. Poignant no? The baby shower was a lot of fun. My friends clearly put a lot of work into it and they were wicked clever. The theme was Dr. Seuss, which is my nursery theme. The best part was the green deviled eggs...yum delicious. Though I may have said in front of my friend who made them that they were really good but not as good as our other friends' not realized that it was the first friend who had made them. Ok there is no may about it. I said it. That being said, I think I ate 20. People tell me there was other really good food. I wouldn't know. I only ate green eggs, oh I did have a cake pop and that is the food of the actual devil.

Moving on. Let me applaud my friends for three things. First, I only got like one item of clothing that was below 6 months....This is awesome. People love to buy the really little cute clothes. I know this because I did and now have too many and I REALLY REALLY didn't need any more. In fact 90% of what I got I really needed (like destine and bottle nipples) and the other 10% was really cute and fun. Second, there was massive amounts of cleverness. Every time I think my crafting skills are awesome I get showed up by the church ladies. The winner of the craftiness award goes to Kristen who made me a growth chart out of canvas so I can write on it and make notations and it had her name with with Cat in the Hat themed letters. She received extra points for being even more pregnant then I am. There were many many runners up and honorable mentions. It would take forever to thank everyone. I would end up like those people at the academy awards that they turn the music on and usher them off the stage as they are still thanking the caterer. So I will just say you're all awesome. Third, every one seemed to have a genuinely good time and I think I needed that as much as anything else. I am so tired of being a burden on people it was really nice to see people smiling and laughing and to not feel like a leper.

My house now looks like there was a bomb that went off in Babies'R'Us. Tissue paper and bottles and tiny clothes and diapers are everywhere. Unfortunately, Pat is in the process of painting the nursery so we can't put anything away in there. I have been having nightmares that I am going to fall and trip over all the stuff with the baby and break her. Now that I actually have some of this stuff in my house I will continue to revise my thoughts on baby products.

Play yards: There is no denying the quality of of the Chicco. It was really easy to set up, very very sturdy and the perfect red color for my living room. It also has a light/music/vibrator feature with a remote that is great and has a cover that goes over the mesh sides to block out light. The Baby trend on the other hand was really confusing, took twice as long to assemble (Pat says it is never coming apart again until it is going away forever) and it is no where near as sturdy. I will reiterate though that it doesn't have to hold him up it has to hold the baby. I think it is shorter too, which doesn't make him happy. All that being said I would buy 10 of the Baby Trend and none of the Chicco if it were up to me (and at $85 and $170 I could at least buy 2). I see this over and over again with baby products: great features on the cheaper items and all the quality on the expensive ones. Graco always seems to be in the middle with neither really good features or really good quality. For $170 why can't the Chicco be more like the Baby Trend? We got the two that we did because we wanted a play yard that had a changing table that folded over rather then having to be put on and off every time. This eliminated the Graco. Here is where the Chicco went wrong. The storage bag for diapers and other stuff hangs on the side where the table folds over so it won't go down all the way. Also it only has a place for a travel size wipe case (good thing I make pretty ones) and the diaper caddy is really not useful at all and the other bags it has for storage are big and inconvenient. So anyway you really have to leave the thing up. Pat likes that it has snaps so it is really secure while it is up there but still folds over. But it also has a seat belt. Now I don't know about you, but I am not snapping the baby in every time and the belt is really in the way. One more problem, it has a very cute mobile but it can not be attached when the changing pad is up?!? You have to take it off and it is big and bulky. Also it seems it would be a pain to get the baby in and out when it is up. What a waste. The problems with the Chicco became lessened at my baby shower when I discovered that my friend (the one whose daughter was concerned with the whole showering the baby business) made me diaper changing caddy's for all the floors in my house (in red black and white no less!). The Baby Trend on the other hand has a cute mobile that is always up, a nice caddy on the side, easily movable changing table and the straps on the table aren't nearly as intrusive, but they were all a pain to get on. Pat also feels the fabric on the bed isn't soft enough and got sheets for them. We also got pads for the changing table because Pat says they aren't soft either but they aren't fitted they just sit on top and Amazon and BRU don't rate them well so we'll see.

Highchair: the Joovy high chair is awesome. I think I originally said that the t-bar was attached to the chair and it isn't but the fact that the tray is so far out you could easily pull out baby and the one handed removal of the swinging tray makes it easy to hold the baby at the same time. But that is it's only fault. The tray easily fits in the dishwasher and it folds up one handed too. Also the faux leather looks great, easily comes off for the washing machine. Pat gave it a big two thumbs up.

Changing pad: I registered for the BRU and it is the standard 34"x16". It was too long to fit on the dresser. I looked around and finally found that the LA Baby Countour was only 30". It is still a tight fit with the Diaper Caddy I bought on Etsy, which I adore and am not giving up.

Bottles: My friend bought me more bottles then I register believing I was underestimating how many I needed. She was right but oddly she doesn't children. The Dr. Brown's have soooooooo many parts but everyone who used them love them and they have really good reviews and are supposed to retain more nutrients. I don't think I will be able to prove this so I will have to take their word on it. The Dr. Brown's bottle warmer is great because it stores water so you don't have to refill it every time and I found I could never get the right amount of water with the first years one. It is more expensive but I got it on ebay. Also Wal-mart has a great deal on a Dr. Brown's starter kit that would cost you twice as much to buy individually anywhere else.

Other stuff: So I got some really cool stuff that I would never think of getting. Every heard of a baby briefcase? It has a place to keep all of baby's important documents like birth certificate, immunization records, etc. I also got this picture frame the perfect size for a sonogram picture and it says "love at first sight." It made me cry, having seen many sonogram pictures. My favorite outfit she got says something about my dad being the "paparazzi." Pat recently sold a bunch of video games so he could buy a tripod to take pictures of the baby. Oh how times have changed.

That is all for now. There is still a lot of stuff still in boxes. Updates to come.

Faith

I've been trying for weeks to write a post and not have it be depressing. I have failed every time I tried. I'm still kind of a mess. Well there is no kind of about it. However, this week brought about some hope so I will share it. Last time I saw the midwives they thought the pain was a result of the dehydration and the anemia and discussed inducing me as soon as I was full term (37 weeks). This week my iron was up and I am no longer dehydrated. So the midwife starts feeling my belly and says "I think you have a cramp." What? She explains that the uterus is a ginormous muscle and can get cramped like any other muscle. She says to increase my calcium intake to 1200mg per day and eat bananas. Applying heat will also help, but to be careful since there is a baby in there. That explains why the baths help. She says if I do this we'll know in 10 days or so if this is the problem and if it is then all will be well. Provided I can still stay hydrated and the anemia doesn't spike up again. This is good, Pat just finished his grad class and we will not be ready for the baby in two weeks (as much as I want her out).

I also got good news during my sonogram yesterday. I've been having these sonograms every two weeks for four months. At first they were looking to see that her organs developed properly, but that should have ended seven weeks ago. I thought they were just continuing to monitor and be thorough. No that was not the case. In the beginning, after the initial scare, I was being seen by a doctor every time who told me exactly what he or she was looking at and what progress she was making. But once the big problems went away and they were just watching her development I saw techs, who legally can't tell you anything. They do the ultrasound and then the doctors look at them later and decide what they think. Well two weeks ago I had a particularly chatty tech who actually read me the doctors notes. It seems her bowels were inflamed and unusually twisted. This was of particular concern since her abdomen was so swollen at eighteen weeks. Dr. Beschat believed it would resolve itself on its own but Dr. Harmon believed she would need to have surgery when she was born to fix it. (This notion created a whole new set of problems that I will discuss at a later date in time.) I've never actually met Dr. Harmon becuase he is always in L&D or the OR. They tell me he has a big bushy beard. Today I waited around and hour for him to finish his procedure to have him look at my pictures. What do you know, the inflammation was significantly reduced and he too thought it would resolve itself.

I have come to the conclusion that one of two things is happening. Either the pernatologists are idiots and are seeing ghosts on the sonograms (which I doubt is the case since they are the best pernatologists on the East coast and people come in from all over the country to have them look at their sonograms) or God really wants this child to be ok. Perhaps it is naive not to prepare myself for the worst, but after all of this I really do have faith that she is going to be fine. Sure there is a part of me that fears the worst. I saw a little girl in the store this week with her legs in braces and I broke into tears. The fear is there but I choose to have faith that it is going to be ok. My pastor gave a sermon several months ago and said that not believing that God would heal and save the sick and the dying was a lack of faith. Doubting our prayers will be answered was doubting God. Sometimes things don't work out the way we want to but that doesn't mean our prayers weren't answered. Pat asked me a few months ago why God doesn't perform miracles any more. I gave him some convoluted theological answer that made him even more confused. Every time we talked about faith it turns into a discussion about Unicorns. Anyway, I came home yesterday and said he does perform miracles, we just don't realize it sometimes.

I was watching Evan Almighty a few days ago and at one point God says to Evan's wife "do you think when people pray for patience he gives them patience or do you think he gives them the opportunity to be patient?" God's is giving me the opportunity to be strong. I am not sure I am rising to the challenge but I am sure I am trying.

Poor, poor pitiful me

I'm tired, I hurt, and I'm sad. I've run out of the positive end of the rope for this week. It would probably be smart for me not to make this entry but I have no one to talk to. Basically the only people I ever see is my husband, my family on the weekend, and sometimes when I go over to sit in the pool Hunter comes out to talk to me. But now Pat is working like a dog for his master's class so when he comes home I barely get to see him. Its too hot this week for me to be outside so my trips to my parents house to swim are out of the question. I'm lonely.

I don't know how people did this before the internet. How did women in the middle ages not commit suicide during their "lying in period?"At least I can chat with varying people throughout the day on gmail or facebook but despite what MMO nerds think, it is not the same as actual human contact. Those conversations are about a millimeter thick. Even when I do see people, I feel a great deal of anxiety. Summer is starting and everyone is in a good mood. It has been 8 months and no one really wants to hear any more bad news from me. It is easier just to say I'm fine. In the beginning every one wanted to come over and visit me, though I had to cancel half the time becuase I was too busy throwing up. But now everyone has moved on and I am still stuck here. I can't go to the movies, I can't go downtown for taco Tuesday or the Post Hunt, I can't even go on a walk. A few weeks ago I walked from the Aquarium to the Harbor Mall for ice cream and I almost had the baby in the car on the way home. Once a week I can go church or community group or sometimes even a summer BBQ (and I still have to cancel half the time) but I have sit there on the sideline watching everyone else have fun. No one wants to sit quietly with me any more. I understand. Never the less I feel forgotten.

The last two weeks there have been all of these graduation events for the seniors and I went to most of them and watched again from the sideline. Doing so wreaked havoc on my body, but I couldn't not say goodbye to kids I have loved as my own for four years. But now that is over and I can't make excuses for going out and doing things that are dangerous for me and the baby anymore. People keep saying it will be over in two months, but it is hard to believe that. In two months there will be a very small person entirely dependent on me. I'll still be stuck at home alone only with the baby. Great I already have PPD. When she is past that completely breakable stage and life can hopefully reengage, nothing will be the same again. Not becuase of the baby, that is a good change. But I basically lost everything else. I've had to give up so much at school. Everything I have worked for over 4 years. It has all fallen apart and I won't be able to pick up the pieces with an infant at home. And I don't expect that my friendships will snap back into place any more then I expect my body to snap back into shape.

In some ways I feel like the seniors: everything will be different now. Someone always says at Graduation "this is the first day of the rest of your life." At 18 that is exciting. At 29 it is terrifying.