Mind Your Own Dang Business

From the moment of conception you are automatically wearing a sign that says "Please give me unsolicited advice." I experienced very little of this during my pregnancy considering that I spent most of it in bed. But I am to understand that often strangers walk up to you and tell you frightening horror stories about labor and say things like "if you think you are tired now, how will you handle a newborn? or "you shouldn't eat that it will make the baby jaundice." I realize there is some irony in me saying this since my whole blog is advice you probably don't want but it isn't unsolicited. You came here with the intent to read...

For me the annoying advice came after she was born, which is a tad more upsetting. When you are pregnant it is just irritating and sometimes upsetting becuase you are very hormonal. When the baby is out then it is just down right upsetting that people are criticizing you parenting. The first time someone implied I didn't know what I was doing was the first time I took her out of the house. We went to Target (lots of women say that is the first place they go). She was two weeks old. She seemed fine and I needed "stuff." One can't say they are going to Target for a particular item becuase you always come back with "stuff" and you can't really pretend you won't. Moving on. Lots of people stopped to ask me about the baby...small babies have that affect on people (so do small dogs but they don't allow that in Target). It is kind of weird. Who are you and stop staring at my baby. Eventually one lady asked how old she was and then told me she was too young to be out. Thanks I will hop in my time machine and tell myself not to take her to Target. I told people she was three weeks old for the rest of the day.

When she started teething people kept telling me she was too young and I must be mistaken. Would you like to stick your finger in my child's mouth and feel the molar descending down? Which by the way is how I found out she was teething. I asked Katie to stick her finger in Scarlett's mouth. What? It was information I needed and I couldn't tell. In retrospect that was ridiculous there are clearly teeth in there on their way out. First time mom, what are you going to do?

Now all the time I am told she is cold. My child, like her father, runs hot. He would wear shorts at the north pole. It runs in the family. My sister in law and I both wear sweats to Thanksgiving dinner while the rest of them wear t-shirts. Any way, Scarlett does not like to be hot. Side note, Scarlett doesn't cry unless there is something wrong. Lots of babies cry for no reason. It is perfectly normal for a baby just to communicate by irritating you. Mine only cries when she either bored, hungry, tired, teething, or hot. She used to cry as soon as she sweat in her diaper but she seems to be ok now to sit in it for a bit. She also doesn't really have gas any more. However, when she is unhappy I inevitably forget one of those things. I will try putting her to bed, or bouncing her about, or rubbing her gums, but somehow I food is always the last thing I try. No striping her down to her diaper is usually the last but is often the culprit. It is like as soon as she cries I forget the things that will make her stop crying. Life is cruel. Back to being cold, or hot as it was.

On Halloween she was dressed as Belle (today's picture is purely for cuteness). As you can see that is what she was dressed in. She was hot, all night. We were outside handing out candy on Main Street. She of course wanted to be held so she could see all the people. And she was sweating. It was after all a lot of tulle. But of course all the parents with their children with coats on top of their costumes and sweats underneath gave me scolding looks. Side note, people kept stopping and saying "oh she is so cute" and then taking her picture. How weird. But I already gave the rights away to her genome so what the heck. At homecoming she had on an adorable tutu outfit and she had on long sleeves and pants but still people kept telling me she was cold. She was not. She was being passed around by all the Eleveners in the stands. The kids asked me why I wasn't pissed off people were telling me what to do with my baby? I said it just kind of comes with the territory. Eventually one of them said to the next person who stuck her nose in, "why don't you just mind your own damn business?" You go Molly!

So I am telling this story a week later at a Raven's party and my friend's husband who is like 45 and has never had children says "Well people do that becuase it is very common for people to take their kids out when it is too cold." So thanks man with no experience with children. Here is the bottom line: every kid is different, and you probably don't know better than their mother, and even if you do keep your mouth shut becuase she isn't going to listen to you anyway. Unless she is beating her child you should probably just stay out of it. I have some really good friends whose kids are a total mess. Literally and figuratively. I hate having them over they could not be more obnoxious and messy. It confuses me becuase she seems to know everything there is about kids and they are great, smart people, but they just don't discipline their kids at all. But there is no point in me saying anything, I would only upset our friendship. I just won't have them over at our house any more.

Everyone is all up in arms right now over the Texas judge who was caught on tape beating his daughter with a belt. People are coming down on both sides of this argument. The leftist of the left who don't think a light spanking is ok, the middle who says spanking is ok but this is not a spanking (which I might as well say is where I am on this), and the people who say it is his daughter and he is punishing her as he sees fit. Beating a child is not ok, but I do think that most of the people on his side are more concerned about being told how to parent then they are about the details of the case. We live in a society where we all think we know best. Maybe we do, but ain't nobody gonna listen, so you might as well just mind your own dang business.

10 Reasons Why Pat is the Better Parent

1. He gets upset when she is crying. I tell myself that I hear her cry all day that I have to laugh. Also have you seen the face they make? It is pretty funny.

2. I thought by staying home I'd have all this extra time to do things like cook and clean. Ha! He has never complained.

3. Everyday between 1pm and 2pm he calls to check on us.

4. He wants to see her grow. He wants her to develop and learn to do things. Like become a person. I want to put her in a reverse stretcher and make her little forever. Talking is so unnecessary.

5. Last week I pierced her ears and every day I make her wear a bow. As ridiculous as this all is he doesn't fight me on it. If momma ain't happy, no body is.

6. He actually likes feeding her. It is like their "bonding" time. I got over that like 4,000 feedings ago.

7. Babies hear in higher pitches then adults. Generally speaking this is why they like women better. As a result he use this silly high pitched voice when he speaks to her. I told him it was the same voice he uses with the dog. He says it is his "small" voice.

8. On that note, he still likes the dog. He pets her and feeds her and walks her. I seem to have forgotten she exists.

9. The baby likes it when I sing to her. He has totally gotten over hearing "A Spoon Full of Sugar" 10 times a day.

10. We probably can't have another baby. But he loves this one so much he doesn't care.

Read Between the Lines

So I haven't posted in like two weeks becuase I have been working on a post about bad advice I got. It really wasn't going anywhere so I scratched it. Moral of the story: every baby wears newborn clothes (unless they are a 10 pounder) for a little while and so that old add-edge is stupid. 3 outfits will not get you through one week let alone 3. Also gas drops do work and are my friend. Buy them at WalMart sooooo much cheaper. So to my new post.

I feed the baby how many times a day. Let me think 3am, 630am, 9am, 1130am, 1pm, 330 pm, 6pm. 7 times....oh that is why I am not making enough bottles, we make 6 every day and every day the time at which I have to make them goes up by an hour or so....duh...anyway. I get bored. So one night while bored I pick up the What to Expect in the First Year and start reading.

There are so many benchmarks for babies now. We are probably being overactive about development but research shows that babies that hit certain bench marks at certain times are less likely to have social and physical disorders. Oddly enough not learning to crawl (just going straight to walking) is linked to Autism. Though everything is linked to Autism these days. Any child with a social disorder is marked as being on the Autism spectrum. I am sure I will piss people off by saying this but I have never had an Autistic student (and these days that is many) that didn't have a weird parent. Most teachers agree it has to be partially genetic becuase the apple does not seem to fall far from the tree. There is now a lot of evidence to suggest that if caught early enough significant improvements can be made. Crawling is one of them.

The book always says that not meeting these benchmarks could be perfectly normal for your baby or it could be an indication of a problem...gee thanks. I have a friend whose baby came two months early. The doctor seems to be very unfair to him. He spent the first month of his life in an incubator. Yet he is evaluated as any other baby. His mom says he is a 4 month old trapped in a 6 month old's body. Surprise, surprise he is developmentally 2 months behind. Every time I tell someone over the age of 60 that the doctor told me my baby already has an attention problem they tell me my expectations of a 3 month old is unrealistic. Maybe our expectations are unrealistic or maybe they are based on what is optimal and not all babies can an A+.

Side note: my child does have an attention problem. Most babies seem to have an altimeter. When they are upset you stand up and bounce them. Not necessary with Scarlett. You simply must get up and move to the other side of the room so she has something new to look at. We were in the waiting room at the doctors office today and I was playing musical chairs. I must have looked like an idiot. Moving from one side of the room to the other. She still mostly won't make eye contact with me. Only first thing in the morning when I am new again and a half hour later I am not interesting again. When she meets someone new she stares at them for like 2 mins which must be an eternity for a baby.

She loves her room. My whole house is red, white, black and gray. So when it came to the nursery I thank Dr. Seuss for coming up with a lovable children's (would some English teacher please tell me what the proper why to make children possessive becuase Mozilla keeps telling me that is wrong) character with a red and white hat. She can wear pink, my walls can not. When I was a child all infant toys were red, white and black becuase those are the colors they can see. I don't know why they did away with this but she loves her room. There is so much to look at. She also likes ceiling fans. Loves having her diaper changed so she can look at the ceiling.

Where was I going with this? Oh right boredom. So the book says it is very important to talk to babies. There was recently a big long research study done on low income babies verses middle class babies and the biggest difference was how the baby was talked to. Babies who are talked to do much better in school. When they asked the non-talking parents why they didn't talk they said they didn't know they were supposed to. Their parents didn't talk to them as children. They also discovered that there is a difference in talking to your child and talking at your child. "Mommy is going to feed Scarlett now" verses "eat baby". Apparently pronouns are difficult for babies. They do not understand the concept so it is better to say "Mommy is going to change Scarlett's diaper now" and not "I am going to change your diaper." It is important to use the babies name often. Like a dog you want them to learn to respond to it. Yeah I went there.

Since I really like the sound of my own voice (i.e. I talk too much) this is easy for me. We talk all day long. One of the things they told the non-talking parents who didn't know what to say was to sing or if your tone def recite the words to songs. It doesn't have to be a lullaby, Solider Boy will do the trick. As you know we sing Julie Andrews.

Another side note: Every morning when I feed her at 9am we watch the news. Either the Today show or CNN, whose every reporting actually news. Usually I read the scroll at the bottom of the Today show for local news and the scroll at the bottom of CNN for national news. It seems no one is actually reporting news. Anyway after that we watch Jem and the Holograms. It was a cartoon from the 1980s about a music band and the clothing, makeup and hair is awesome dude. Today's cartoons are stupid and scary. Have you seen the new Mickey Mouse? And what is up with Yo Gabba Gabba? Seriously the creator of that show must have done more drugs then Lewis Caroll. Scarlett loves Jem (I should point out that Pat thinks it is ridiculous that I actually record 1980s cartoons on the DVR). I am pretty sure it is not the fashion that intrigues Scarlett but the fact that Jem and the Holograms are a music band and they sing all the time. She does not like the Misfits. Good baby. I mean Mommy is proud of Scarlett.

Ok I am trying to get to the point. The book also says it is never to early to read to a baby and research clearly shows that reading to a young child gives them a huge leg up when they enter kindergarten. By the way, props to kindergarten teachers. To me that is the 7th level of hell. So....we read during feedings. Much like cartoons I like old books. My favorite (I have never spelled that word right the first time in my entire life, I more then a little dyslexic) books are as follows:
Alexander's Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day
The Going to Bed Book (becuase they go up to the deck and exercise before they go to bed, whats with that?)
In the Night Kitchen (which is one of the lesser known Maurice Sendak book, I hate Where the Wild Things are, it is depressing, Night Kitchen is hilarious)
The Sign on Rosie's Door (see above)
I Love You Forever (which always makes me cry and Pat always asks "why do you read that if it makes you cry?" Also he thinks it is silly that she sneaks into his room when he is all grown up)
The Just So Stories
Where's my Blankie?
Little Bear
All of Dr. Seuss

The only book I have read her so far that I didn't have as a child is But Not the Hippopotamus, which existed I just didn't have it. We love that. Mostly becuase it is about a potamus and her potamus is her favorite (still didn't get it right) and becuase she is baby potamus. Oh I forgot the two most important books the ones we are reading now. Winnie-the-Pooh (downstairs) and a Light in Attic (upstairs). The only problem is I don't like how I do the voices. I had all of these on tape as a child. Two reasons, one I couldn't sleep even then (it is 3:45 am) and two my dyslexia led me to be a slow reader. I have purchased all of these on CD so she can hear the voices properly someday but for now it is apparently important that she hears me talking to her, something about familiarity.

The End.

That Bites Man!

So we are teething now. Fun times. No really. At first I thought she had a cold and then Mom says you know teething will make her nose stuffy from all the increased blood flow. I says but she is only two months and usually it doesn't start till four months. But the cold didn't seem to get better. So I asked Katie to put her fingers in my child's mouth and sure enough there are two, maybe four teeth trying to make an appearance.

According to the American Academy of Pediatrics "Teething usually starts during these months. The two front teeth (central incisors), either upper or lower, usually appear first, followed by the opposite front teeth. The first molars come in next, followed by the canines or eyeteeth." Thanks folks she is getting molars and at two months. I suppose this is pay back for sleeping through the night. Oh right she isn't doing that any more. Since this whole teeth thing started she is fussy at around 1 am. She doesn't actually want to eat. We waste quite a bit of formula at that hour. She just is grumpy and wants attention. Again I quote the AAP "Teething occasionally may cause mild irritability, crying, a low-grade temperature (but not over 101 degrees Fahrenheit or 38.3 degrees Celsius), excessive drooling, and a desire to chew on something hard." Has anyone ever had a baby that did not get grumpy when teething??? Occasionally my foot.

So what to do about it? Well she is too little to keep a teething ring in her mouth. Katie says rub her gums. I guess that means I will have to wash off the hot glue from ribbon making. Fun times. Also she is starting to be grumpy out of the house now too, which she never did before. Does it sound like I am complaining? Yes. Deal with it. You can ignore me if you so choose. If only we could take Mary Poppins with us everywhere. Maybe I should get a portable DVD player. Do they make baby iPods? They should. She is obsessed with Julie Andrews and she dislikes Muse. Oh baby I hope you can grow out of that. After watching Mary Poppins obsessively as a child my cousin Sarah decided she too wanted to have a tea party on the ceiling. Solution: hang from the chandelier with a cup.

At least I have found ways of cheering her up. I now know all the lyrics to "Spoon Full of Sugar" and now that she smiles and laughs she can be distracted with funny faces. She can go from pouty tears to giggles in like .6 seconds. Crazy baby. She will also spend a good two hours a day in her gym. I am not sure she will ever roll over. When she is on her stomach she is too preoccupied with going forward. She also wants to stand all the time now. Any time you hold her she pushes herself up into a standing position. This was both adorable and impressive a month ago. Now it is just irritating. My infant is already over cuddling. Not fair. Glad I stayed home this year or I would have missed that phase all together.

And now my closing thoughts (I'm talking to you Larry Cohan). I was getting concerned about her hearing. I know she can hear but she won't respond to sounds. She also wasn't making eye contact with me very often. At her two month doctor's appointment I brought this up with the doctor. She examines her and says "Ok so there is a difference between hearing and listening." Great, I don't know anyone with a listening problem. Also she makes eye contact with anyone new. It turns out she has just seen me and I am no longer interesting. The doctor says "It is a bit early for a baby to have an attention problem but I think we are going to need to keep an eye out for it." Pat just rolled his eyes. Apple doesn't fall very far from the tree.

10 Reasons Why I am a Bad Mother

1. Sometimes I forget I have a baby. Usually when woken up from a deep sleep and I am like...what is making that noise...oh right my baby.

2. I laugh at her all the time. Usually when she is trying to do something she is waaaay to young to do.


3. Sometimes I give her a bath just to stop her from crying. She likes the bath it makes her happy. I know I am only supposed to bathe her every 2-3 days becuase it dries out her skin. I use a lot of lotion.

4. I drag her all over the place and at a young age. I took her to Target at like 2 weeks. I go out under the guise that she needs something or her grandmother needs to see her. Mostly a load of crap. I don't like being stuck in the house. She is a trooper. We took her out of state at one month. To a party at a frat house no less. It wasn't a frat part that is just where it was held. Don't worry, I changed her in the car.

5. I leave her all the time. I think we left her at 5 days with gradma for the first time to go to the bar at DuClaw's. She actually did need something that day from the mall. We left her a few days later to get Pachanga Punch with our best friend's for my birthday. What is Pachanga Punch you ask? It is this amazing mixture of sangria and margarita...yumm. We left her for the weekend for the first time at two months. She was fine. Her Grandmommy and Pop Pop took good care of her.

6. I let her sleep on her stomach when she is napping. Yeah, yeah SIDS. She can pick up her head just fine. She sleeps better on her tummy and that way I can both shower and eat. Otherwise I have to pick between one or the other. In fact that is how I had time to write this list. I don't let her do it at night but to be entirely honest that is only becuase I am worried about what people will think. I know this is an unusual trait for me. Also there is a lot of evidence to suggest that SIDS doesn't happen for no reason. It is usually the result of a head injury that was not caught. Also I have her bumper in the crib. When she was super little she couldn't move any where near it. Now that she can she is smart enough not to suffocate herself.

7. I don't sterilize her bottles or use bottled water. We put them in the dishwasher which is pretty close to sterilizing and the whole sterilizing thing is out of date. People had to boil the bottles back in the day when they were glass. Now there is evidence suggesting that sterilizing bottles in the microwave breaks down the plastic. We have a Brita Filter which of course does not get rid of the fluoride which is what is bad for them but it is good enough for me. She seems fine. I do take bottled water when we travel just in case the frat house we are visiting doesn't have a filter that allows me to pretend I am going that extra mile.

8. I let her lie on the floor with the dog. Pekingese have been known to kill babies. However my pekingese couldn't hurt a fly. No, seriously. She tried once. The fly won. I don't let her do it when I am not in the room but even my mother-in-law who is like the dog queen thinks it is a bad idea.



9. We kicked her out of our room after two weeks. We got like no sleep and that seemed like a bad thing. We let her cry it out at 3 weeks. Most people will tell you that is waaaay to early. She slept through the night at one month in her own room...just saying.

10. I chose to bottle feed. Ok I can't breast feed becuase of medication I take, but I wouldn't if I could. It creeps me out. Not when other people do it but I just don't want to. So there.

Product Review Part 3

She is now 8 weeks old. Some stuff sucks and some I can't live without.

Stuff I have issues with:
1. Moby Wrap. What a stupid idea. It is 8 yards of fabric and is heavy and hot as all get out. How are you supposed to wrap that thing around you in a parking lot without dragging half of it on the ground. Also when you are done with it you really have to wait till you get home to wrap it back up and put it in its baggy. Also the fabric loosens up and you have to retie it. This is kind of unsafe when the baby is in it. I got a bjorn last week.

2. The changing table on the Baby Trend pack'n'play. It slants downward so the baby rolls down and so does pee. Stupid.

3. Footie Pajamas. Ok I get that when it is cold these could be handy. Getting them on an off a figity baby at 3 am, not cool. Jenni gave me some with zippers. Those are better.

4. Drop-in Bottles. She has no problem with using different bottles for travel. However, an issue has arisen I had not anticipated. The convince on an on the go bottle that you can reuse over and over again and just throw out the bag is great except for 2 things. First you can't reuse the nipple without sterilizing so you have to have a lot of nipples and second becuase the bag squishes you have no idea how much she has eaten.

5. Bottle Steamer. It is easier to just run the dishwasher. Never used it. Selling it at the next yard sale I can find.

Good Stuff:
1. Dr. Brown's bottles. They have a million pieces but they do reduce gas and Pat and I actually find it kind of calming to take them apart and put them in the dishwasher basket. Crazy no?

2. Munchkins Dishwasher basket. They fit pretty well and have places for nipples and the Dr. Brown's straws but I wish they held more and were a little easier to use.

3. First Years Bottle Warmer. The cooler does not keep them cold for more then 8 hrs and that is still pushing it. It only has one freezer pack so if you forget to put it back in the freezer you are out of luck the next night. Also the 8 oz Dr. Browns bottles don't fit in there with the caps. You have to put the nipple in a bag and put it on when you take it out. Also I hate refilling the water vials every night. It doesn't heat the bottles up fantastically but the convince can't be beat.

4. All brands of bouncy seats except for the Bright Starts InGenuity Automatic Bouncer. I didn't want to invest in new ones and bought a bunch of different ones at yard sales. I have since bought two more, full retail. I have them everywhere. They buy me precious precious time. Most of them don't automatically turn off. This is stupid. They just run the battery down. Many of the Bright Starts do but they aren't all as awesome as the InGenuity. The Fisher Price Kick and Play is cool except the seat is too upright and the lights aren't bright enough. The rocker one is cool becuase it changes positions into what is almost a cradle and you can rock it and vibrate it. I should have spent the $60 and bought the Fisher Price Rainforest one. She loves every other rainforest product I should have bought that too.

5. Muchkin formula containers. Very useful but difficult to get all the powder out.

6. Munchkin on the go formula mixer. Very useful, shaking the bottles causes more air bubbles, but I always seem to forget it. I guess that is not really Munchkin's fault.

7. Chicco Travel System. Super easy to use, smooth ride, great for my tall husband, and really really heavy. Ugh the car seat is already so heavy and she only weighs 10lbs. Also there is virtually no access to the basket with the car seat in the stroller.

8. Fisher Price Rainforest Playmat. It has many toys and lights etc, she loves it. My only complaint is that the music is stupid. I got mom a Baby Einsteins one at a yard sale it is not as cool but it plays Bach...

9. The carters swing. They don't make the exact one I have any more but it is awesome. She likes to swing (especially if potomus is sitting in front of her). I love that it slows down when you are messing with her. I also like its variety of speeds and sounds. I don't like how long it takes to strap her in.

10. Chicco Playard. The remote for the vibrator and sounds is awesome. It is turdy has a good changing table. My only complaint it is still stupid that the mobile can't be on when the changing table is up. Right now we have the changing table always up. But she is getting long fast. We won't be able to have her in there with the changing table up for long.

11. The Baby Trend Walker. Walkers are a bit of a no no now. There are several ways the baby can get hurt in them. Well my freak child thinks she can stand and thus like being in a standing position. She has a jumperoo and an excersaucer but the seats are too big for her not even 2 month old body (they aren't made for two month olds) but she fits in the Baby Trend walker. Also she thinks the bears are going to speak to her.

Stuff I can't live without:
1. Potomus. I got this pink stuffed hippo for Scarlett. Thanks DK for giving my husband a nickname that has fused its way into every corner of my life. She stares at that thing like it is going to talk to her. it is creepy but buys me a half an hour every day.

2. InGenuity Bouncer from Bright Stars. It actually bounces, turns off automatically, and has lots of noises she likes. Including a white noise that doesn't bother us. She never slept in a bassinet and we tried 3 different ones. However she slept in this bouncer for a month and then we transitioned her to her crib by putting the bouncer in her crib then eventually her in the crib without the bouncer. Kind of like when you put a new fish in a tank.

3. The FisherPrice Rainforest Waterfall Peek-a-boo soother. What a stupid name but it attaches to the crib and has lights and noises and moving parts. The mobile didn't fit the crib (most mobiles don't fit modern cribs so be sure to check on that before you buy one). This thing is sufficiently important that Pat went out and got batteries for it at 11pm.

4. Julie Andrews. Sing or play almost any Julie Andrews and she will be quiet for at least 5 mins....she loves Sound of Music. She does not like books on tape.

5. Walmart Gas Drops. All other brands are like $5-$10 more expensive and work no better. We can not live with out gas drops.

6. Sassy stand up mirror. We have one on every floor. The kid likes to look at herself.

7. Dr. Brown's formula pitcher. I don't know how people make formula with out one.

8. Flannel Clothes. BRU sells them and we have them on all the changing tables. She makes a lot of messes it is easier to wash those then the changing pad cover so we have multiple layers.

9. Itzbeen. Its this little device that helps you keep track of when baby ate, slept, pooped, etc. My baby is a creature of habit. One can tell what is wrong by simply looking at the device. It also serves as a nice flashlight at 3am.

I'm sure I will come up with more but that is all I can think of now.

All the things I wish I had known: Baby Day

So it has been almost two months since I have posted...I had a baby. Turns out that keeps you busy. I'm going to give you all the details I can without grossing out any of the men who read my blog. I just want to start out by saying shame on all the mothers out there who fail to inform their friends of the details they really need.

One Saturday early in July I started "hurting." That is the best description I have. It was hard to explain. It wasn't like the contractions I had back in May. It kind of felt like bad cramps and back pain but it also kind of felt like I slept the wrong way. After a few hours of this I finally woke Pat up and said "I hurt." He says "be more specific."
"I can't."
"Are you going to have the baby?"
"I don't know."
"Why not?"
"I have never had one before."
"Lets look in the book."
"Hmmm maybe I am having a baby. My symptoms seem to be similar to labor."
"We should call the midwife."
"OUCH, so thats what a contraction feels like."

We leave a message with the calling service for the midwives (it was like 4 am) for one to call me back. A half hour later she calls and says "sorry it took so long, I was delivering a baby. What is going on?"
"No problem, that sounds like it was important, so I think I am having contractions, but I can't be sure. It hurts all the time but more then usually every 10 or so mins."
"Ok well take a shower and go for a walk. It will either get better or get much worse. When it gets worse every 3 mins then call back."

It got better. I know someone who was basically in labor, having contractions on and off for 3 weeks. Fantastic. That didn't seem to be the case. I worked the rest of the week without incident.

Two weeks later we make plans to have dinner at Jaleo and Pat finally agrees to let me have one drink for my birthday. Let me point out that the United Sates is the only western country that instructs pregnant women not to drink at all. In Europe they can have a glass of wine or beer a day. In Canada and England it is once a week. Here doctors tell women none at all so they don't get sued. You have to drink A LOT to get fetal alcohol poisoning. Pat spent my entire pregnancy saying "lets not take the risk." Ugh, its not like I wanted to down a shot of tequila daily. But he wasn't having it. He doesn't have very much control over the whole baby thing so I felt like I needed to capitulate on this one. Jaleo has the most amazing champagne and strawberry sangria and Pat said for my birthday he would let me have one. Yay! Also my German BFF had just come back so I was really looking forward to this dinner...dun dun dun.

Started having contractions that morning. This time I wouldn't be fooled by the pain. So I went to my parents house to swim in the pool. If I am going to have contractions I might as well get a tan. So they kept going. Pat downloaded this app on this phone that kept track of the length and interval. They got closer and closer, longer and longer, more and more painful. But dangit I was going to dinner. For months I wanted this baby out but today of all days...my sangria day! We went home around 4 pm so I could get dressed for dinner....dangit. Stupid contractions. We went to the hospital around 8 pm.

The ride to the hospital was long and painful and as soon as I got there I was screaming. I was sufficiently difficult that the midwife (my favorite midwife, Kay, the one who saw me the last time I was in the hospital) said give her the epidural. Then my awesome nurse, Naomi, said she could give me the epidural but once she did I couldn't walk or go to the bathroom. She said as an alternative I could have these other lighter drugs until the pain got worse and they might help me sleep. Those all sounded like good things; and they were. Pat and I actually got some sleep. Around 2 am or so the drugs wern't doing the job any more so they gave me the epidural. It wasn't nearly as scary as I thought it would be. They made Pat leave but Naomi let me hold onto her so I wouldn't jerk. The needle isn't huge and you don't see almost any of the procedure. The epidural really does eliminate the pain and for awhile that is a great thing. Plus you get a button you can push when it hurts again. This was fantastic for a few hours. You can't get up so they put a catheter in, not so bad when you can't feel anything. But this moment's peace is temporary.

The epidural only helps with the pain. It does nothing for the pressure. Let me tell you, there is a lot of pressure when you push a watermelon out! Around 8 am it started to get worse and they deemed I was 10 cm and it was time to get things going. Just in time for the awesome nurse Naomi and my favorite midwife Kay to change shifts. Naomi was replaced by a 50 year old women who talked to my like I was 10, but all in all she knew what I was doing. Kay was replaced by Donna who was on her very last day so she spent almost the entire labor saying goodbye to everyone who walked by. I can't remember the nurse's name but she asks me at about 8:30 am if I am ready to push. How the hell am I suppose to know if I am ready to push??? We have established that I have never done this before (and will never do it again). She said it wouldn't get any easier with time so I might as well start. I don't remember exactly when they broke my water but it is kind of weird you hear a gushing noise, but I couldn't feel it.

The nameless nurse also said to me "This is going to be the hardest thing you ever do but the harder you work the easier it will be." That is a terrible thing to say. I don't think any women take it easy on purpose to draw the whole processes out and keep enduring the pain. I kept reading about differnt birthing positions and I was like that is silly I want the old fashioned one, you know the one in the movies women sitting with her legs bent screaming in pain until the baby sort of pops out. Turns out that just isn't how it is done. This is thing one I blame my friends for not telling me. It involves lifting legs and contracting at the abdomen and all sorts of other weird things I don't even know how to type. Ladies who have yet to have babies, ask me and I will show you.

This is undoubtedly the most horrifying thing I have ever done. It was worsened by the fact that I had to have an oxygen mask on becuase of the epidural. I was soooooo hot and sweaty and they kept telling me I wasn't working hard enough, like I was holding out on them. They also told me to keep loose when I pushed...what a load of crap. How can I push harder and relax at the same time? They want you to push when the contraction is coming but I couldn't tell till it was halfway done and so I didn't get as much pushing as I should have each time. I seriously thought I was going to die. The pressure is the most horrible thing ever. I can't begin to imagine what it is like with out an epidural. Pat was there as expected but they also recruited my mom and sister to help. I don't really know how I feel about that. My poor sister never wants to give birth EVER. Because of the epidural you have no idea how much progress you are making but then Pat said he could see her head. Which was both gross and somewhat of a relief that progress was being made. Fortunately Alison, my sister, could not see this utter weirdness.

An hour later I couldn't get her any further out. Having been stuck in bed for months I had like no muscle mass left. I just couldn't do it. I literally could not have pushed one second longer so they called in an OB to suction her out. Which was relieving and depressing. I felt terrible that I couldn't do it and I worried about how it would affect her but I just didn't have the strength to do it. It didn't take very long and then she was out.

I read an article a few weeks prior called "Perfect. Just not picture perfect." It was all about how newly born babies actually look. They can be covered in goop, blood, rashes, hair, and other skin deformities. She didn't have any of these things. I mean she wasn't clean but she didn't look freaky. Her head on the other hand. The part of the skull where the suction cup was is completely separated from the skull. It was horrifying looking and it made me horribly depressed that my inadequacy did that to her. She was also swollen like she had an allergic reaction to a bee sting (something that was not in that article by the way). She was not cute at all. More like an alien. They wrapped her in a blanket quickly and gave her to me. Meanwhile they asked Pat to cut the cord but he was too in shock to do it. BTW the umbilical cord is creepy it is blue skin thing. And no I did not want to see the placenta but my sister and Pat seemed to be fascinated by it.

After she was fully separated from me they took her off to the side and did her measurements. She was born at 10:28, 7/17/2011 (my mother in laws birthday), 7lbs 9oz, 19.5 in. While they did that Donna stitched me up. I had a second degree tear. You can't feel the stitching but it isn't a pleasant thought. Thing two I am angry I wasn't told, there is no magic moment when you are handed your baby and you instantly fall in love. Ok maybe some women do, but I have since had enough people tell me they didn't that I am irritated I wasn't informed. I get that this is something people don't want to say. It sounds cruel. Well I am saying it. The moment wasn't there and becuase no one had told me this might happen I was completely depressed I didn't instantly fall in love.

They gave her back to me with a cap on her head which was great becuase her skull was really scary looking, I spent the entire first day putting that damn cap back on. Also she lost all the hair she had in the front from being yanked out of me rather unnaturally. Six weeks later I still make her wear a bow to cover it. I tell people it is becuase she is self conscious of her bald spot but really it is to make me feel better about the fact that I couldn't birth her. Moving on, Pat held her, then mom and Alison and dad. I was happy to let them have her but then I insisted on having her back still hoping for that magical bonding moment. I asked if I could feed her to help jump starting the mommy feeling so they gave me a bottle (I never breast fed her, I will get into that some other time). She is a pigglet. I let her have 1 oz and the nameless nurse scolded me and told me I gave her too much. Great...I have now screwed up twice and she had been out for less then an hour. They took her away to be bathed and inspected. We of course held our breaths for the report considering all her inutero difficulties. Meanwhile nameless nurse began the process of moving me from L&D to recovery.

The first time you go to the bathroom after giving birth seems almost as painful as labor. In that moment you begin to realize that this is not over yet. Misery is still very much in effect. Also I had a lot of trouble standing up after becuase of the epidural and nameless nurse told me it was in my head. She was not my favorite person. They put me in a wheel chair and take me from my very large and comfortable delivery room to the shoe box that is the recovery room. Poor Pat, my 6'4" husband had to sleep on a teeny tiny sofa.

The problem with having a baby on a Sunday is that everyone wants to come to see her that day becuase it is a weekend. That sucked hard core. I love my family for wanting to see her, but I was a wreck, in pain, and did not want my picture taken. The first person to come was my cousin Sarah. She would have come no matter the day or time and only stayed long enough to hug me and the baby. This was very considerate and Scarlett loves her aunt Sarah (well both of them). Oh that is her name Scarlett (with two ts) Victoria. It was nice to have her there though becuase Pat went home to shower and they hadn't brought my baby back and I didn't really want to be alone. Finally I sent her out to tell them to bring my baby back to me. There was some sort of mix up. Anyway, she was clean but still very swollen and her head was still beyond scary. Sarah kept putting her cap back on for me. As I got more and more tired she left me to rest. Like 30 seconds later everyone else showed up. One by one they held the baby, took pictures and I just lay there miserable beyond words.

There are a lot of reasons that first day was so hard for me. Pain and drugs being the simplest of them. I also think it was hard to bond with the baby since I spent so little time holding her the first day. In addition to that a dear friend had lost her baby earlier that week. In many ways I was so sad for her that I almost didn't feel right feeling happy for me. I don't want to say any more about that except that they will always be in my heart and prayers.

It wasn't until that night that I really was able to bond with her. She wouldn't sleep in the bassinet. I thought at the time she just wanted to be with me, turns out it was just cold, but all the same it was the first time I felt like a mother. Eventually my nurse said she had to go to the nursery becuase I needed to sleep. When I woke up at 6 am, I wondered down to the nursery and demanded my baby back. By then I had really started to feel like she was mine. I was still not at the magical bond point but we were on track.

So if she had been born in 1500 AD we would not have made it. Ok well I wouldn't have made it through pregnancy and we would have both died in labor since I couldn't get her out. But I was thinking more about the fact that I could hardly move after she was born. That would be the third thing I am pissed off no one told me. I don't know how single women do it and back in the day the only babies who survived were the ones born to women who popped them out then went back to work the field. It feels like you will never be normal again. That you will never not feel pain. There is no comfortable position; not sitting, not lying, and standing is nearly impossible. Almost everyone gets hemorrhoids and your digestive tract is all sorts of messed up and the pressure is ridiculous. It sucks it really really sucks and it got worse before it got better. Again, ladies who have yet to give birth I have more intimate details that I will happily share upon request. Lets just say that the blood alone makes you think you are dying. But the worst part is how bad you feel that you can't get up and go to her when she cries, you can't take care of her, another thing hindering the bonding process. People would bring her to me to feed her. It felt so fake.

By day three I was feeling "better." I was supposed to check out that afternoon, but I decided I wanted to go home at 6 am. So she and I both got exams and were released. Oh right so her health. Not only is she not sick and deformed, she is unusually healthy. Often it takes weeks for the skull to reform after suctioning. Hers went back in less then 24 hours. The pediatricians were shocked. Also she has more stem cells then any baby on record...ever. 750 million is about the top of the range. She has 2.5 billion. The jury is still out on that one. I let you know what the deal is once they finish studying them. BTW I may have given away the right to Scarlett's DNA. I should read things more carefully. But seriously, who is surprised that my baby is a freak? There are a lot of jokes flying around about Midi-chlorians and mutants. She has been called Wolverinea (super quick healing baby) and Stem Girl. Also she grew 3 in in the the first week and regained all the lost weight. Anyway back to going home. They came in to do my exam and gave me take home instructions. Only shower with your back to the shower so not to stimulate milk production, use cabbage leaves to help dry up the mild (btw I leaked for like a day and then nothing, finally something went right), don't exercise and then she says oh and don't have sex till you are cleared in six weeks. Seriously? You have got to be kidding me. The pain...It is just ridiculous notion. Anyway, in usual fashion, I jumped the gun and went home too soon was miserable for days and days and days. The picture was taken on her first day home (she was still puffy). The fourth thing I am irritated no one told me. Sure some people don't have those problems but a sufficient number do that someone should have told me that some day it will be better. Because I didn't know what I was going through was normal I feared I was going to be in pain forever.

However, a week later I was feeling much better (there were things that I did that helped this that I will spare the general public from those details). Within two weeks I was fantastic. I was so much better now that she is on the outside. I can once again eat fried foods, drink carbonated beverages, and sleep on my stomach!!!

I could go on and on about the first weeks of her life but I will try to summarize as best I can since this post has already taken you a half hour to read. If you have friends or family willing to stay with you and help out let them. Either my mother or sister were here for an entire month. By the time they had gone home she was only feeding at 8 pm, 1:30 am, and 5am, as apposed to 8 pm, 10 pm, 12 am, 2 am, 4 am, and 6 am. Now Pat and I each only have to do one night feeding. She never got better at sleeping in the bassinet, and we tried two different ones. She is extremely figity, just like her mommy. She needs to be swaddled almost to the point of suffocation and prior to being able to use the swaddle me, she had to essentially strapped into her blanket. Solution: strap her to the bouncy chair all night. We then transitioned her to the bouncy chair in her crib and at 6 weeks she is entirely in her crib. Sometimes she even goes from an 8 pm feeding to a 4 am feeding...Yay baby.

We are starting to get into the swing of things. My life revolves around bottles, bibs, and bjorns. I decided to stay home this year. Partially becuase I will liekly never have another and she will only be little once and partially becuase the county only gave me 6 weeks and it just wasn't enough. Today I met another teacher who decided to stay home and we wallowed in our sorrows together. It isn't easy but I am taking it one day at a time. I am not sure when I fell in love with her but it happened and she is the most precious thing ever and I intend to make the most of the time I have with her. Soon I will have many more adventures of motherhood to share with you.

P.S. I forgot to give props to Jenni who told me as much as she remembered from her birthing...

But how can you wash the baby while she is still inside her belly?

Says my friend's 3 year old when her mom told her we were having a baby shower. Poignant no? The baby shower was a lot of fun. My friends clearly put a lot of work into it and they were wicked clever. The theme was Dr. Seuss, which is my nursery theme. The best part was the green deviled eggs...yum delicious. Though I may have said in front of my friend who made them that they were really good but not as good as our other friends' not realized that it was the first friend who had made them. Ok there is no may about it. I said it. That being said, I think I ate 20. People tell me there was other really good food. I wouldn't know. I only ate green eggs, oh I did have a cake pop and that is the food of the actual devil.

Moving on. Let me applaud my friends for three things. First, I only got like one item of clothing that was below 6 months....This is awesome. People love to buy the really little cute clothes. I know this because I did and now have too many and I REALLY REALLY didn't need any more. In fact 90% of what I got I really needed (like destine and bottle nipples) and the other 10% was really cute and fun. Second, there was massive amounts of cleverness. Every time I think my crafting skills are awesome I get showed up by the church ladies. The winner of the craftiness award goes to Kristen who made me a growth chart out of canvas so I can write on it and make notations and it had her name with with Cat in the Hat themed letters. She received extra points for being even more pregnant then I am. There were many many runners up and honorable mentions. It would take forever to thank everyone. I would end up like those people at the academy awards that they turn the music on and usher them off the stage as they are still thanking the caterer. So I will just say you're all awesome. Third, every one seemed to have a genuinely good time and I think I needed that as much as anything else. I am so tired of being a burden on people it was really nice to see people smiling and laughing and to not feel like a leper.

My house now looks like there was a bomb that went off in Babies'R'Us. Tissue paper and bottles and tiny clothes and diapers are everywhere. Unfortunately, Pat is in the process of painting the nursery so we can't put anything away in there. I have been having nightmares that I am going to fall and trip over all the stuff with the baby and break her. Now that I actually have some of this stuff in my house I will continue to revise my thoughts on baby products.

Play yards: There is no denying the quality of of the Chicco. It was really easy to set up, very very sturdy and the perfect red color for my living room. It also has a light/music/vibrator feature with a remote that is great and has a cover that goes over the mesh sides to block out light. The Baby trend on the other hand was really confusing, took twice as long to assemble (Pat says it is never coming apart again until it is going away forever) and it is no where near as sturdy. I will reiterate though that it doesn't have to hold him up it has to hold the baby. I think it is shorter too, which doesn't make him happy. All that being said I would buy 10 of the Baby Trend and none of the Chicco if it were up to me (and at $85 and $170 I could at least buy 2). I see this over and over again with baby products: great features on the cheaper items and all the quality on the expensive ones. Graco always seems to be in the middle with neither really good features or really good quality. For $170 why can't the Chicco be more like the Baby Trend? We got the two that we did because we wanted a play yard that had a changing table that folded over rather then having to be put on and off every time. This eliminated the Graco. Here is where the Chicco went wrong. The storage bag for diapers and other stuff hangs on the side where the table folds over so it won't go down all the way. Also it only has a place for a travel size wipe case (good thing I make pretty ones) and the diaper caddy is really not useful at all and the other bags it has for storage are big and inconvenient. So anyway you really have to leave the thing up. Pat likes that it has snaps so it is really secure while it is up there but still folds over. But it also has a seat belt. Now I don't know about you, but I am not snapping the baby in every time and the belt is really in the way. One more problem, it has a very cute mobile but it can not be attached when the changing pad is up?!? You have to take it off and it is big and bulky. Also it seems it would be a pain to get the baby in and out when it is up. What a waste. The problems with the Chicco became lessened at my baby shower when I discovered that my friend (the one whose daughter was concerned with the whole showering the baby business) made me diaper changing caddy's for all the floors in my house (in red black and white no less!). The Baby Trend on the other hand has a cute mobile that is always up, a nice caddy on the side, easily movable changing table and the straps on the table aren't nearly as intrusive, but they were all a pain to get on. Pat also feels the fabric on the bed isn't soft enough and got sheets for them. We also got pads for the changing table because Pat says they aren't soft either but they aren't fitted they just sit on top and Amazon and BRU don't rate them well so we'll see.

Highchair: the Joovy high chair is awesome. I think I originally said that the t-bar was attached to the chair and it isn't but the fact that the tray is so far out you could easily pull out baby and the one handed removal of the swinging tray makes it easy to hold the baby at the same time. But that is it's only fault. The tray easily fits in the dishwasher and it folds up one handed too. Also the faux leather looks great, easily comes off for the washing machine. Pat gave it a big two thumbs up.

Changing pad: I registered for the BRU and it is the standard 34"x16". It was too long to fit on the dresser. I looked around and finally found that the LA Baby Countour was only 30". It is still a tight fit with the Diaper Caddy I bought on Etsy, which I adore and am not giving up.

Bottles: My friend bought me more bottles then I register believing I was underestimating how many I needed. She was right but oddly she doesn't children. The Dr. Brown's have soooooooo many parts but everyone who used them love them and they have really good reviews and are supposed to retain more nutrients. I don't think I will be able to prove this so I will have to take their word on it. The Dr. Brown's bottle warmer is great because it stores water so you don't have to refill it every time and I found I could never get the right amount of water with the first years one. It is more expensive but I got it on ebay. Also Wal-mart has a great deal on a Dr. Brown's starter kit that would cost you twice as much to buy individually anywhere else.

Other stuff: So I got some really cool stuff that I would never think of getting. Every heard of a baby briefcase? It has a place to keep all of baby's important documents like birth certificate, immunization records, etc. I also got this picture frame the perfect size for a sonogram picture and it says "love at first sight." It made me cry, having seen many sonogram pictures. My favorite outfit she got says something about my dad being the "paparazzi." Pat recently sold a bunch of video games so he could buy a tripod to take pictures of the baby. Oh how times have changed.

That is all for now. There is still a lot of stuff still in boxes. Updates to come.

Faith

I've been trying for weeks to write a post and not have it be depressing. I have failed every time I tried. I'm still kind of a mess. Well there is no kind of about it. However, this week brought about some hope so I will share it. Last time I saw the midwives they thought the pain was a result of the dehydration and the anemia and discussed inducing me as soon as I was full term (37 weeks). This week my iron was up and I am no longer dehydrated. So the midwife starts feeling my belly and says "I think you have a cramp." What? She explains that the uterus is a ginormous muscle and can get cramped like any other muscle. She says to increase my calcium intake to 1200mg per day and eat bananas. Applying heat will also help, but to be careful since there is a baby in there. That explains why the baths help. She says if I do this we'll know in 10 days or so if this is the problem and if it is then all will be well. Provided I can still stay hydrated and the anemia doesn't spike up again. This is good, Pat just finished his grad class and we will not be ready for the baby in two weeks (as much as I want her out).

I also got good news during my sonogram yesterday. I've been having these sonograms every two weeks for four months. At first they were looking to see that her organs developed properly, but that should have ended seven weeks ago. I thought they were just continuing to monitor and be thorough. No that was not the case. In the beginning, after the initial scare, I was being seen by a doctor every time who told me exactly what he or she was looking at and what progress she was making. But once the big problems went away and they were just watching her development I saw techs, who legally can't tell you anything. They do the ultrasound and then the doctors look at them later and decide what they think. Well two weeks ago I had a particularly chatty tech who actually read me the doctors notes. It seems her bowels were inflamed and unusually twisted. This was of particular concern since her abdomen was so swollen at eighteen weeks. Dr. Beschat believed it would resolve itself on its own but Dr. Harmon believed she would need to have surgery when she was born to fix it. (This notion created a whole new set of problems that I will discuss at a later date in time.) I've never actually met Dr. Harmon becuase he is always in L&D or the OR. They tell me he has a big bushy beard. Today I waited around and hour for him to finish his procedure to have him look at my pictures. What do you know, the inflammation was significantly reduced and he too thought it would resolve itself.

I have come to the conclusion that one of two things is happening. Either the pernatologists are idiots and are seeing ghosts on the sonograms (which I doubt is the case since they are the best pernatologists on the East coast and people come in from all over the country to have them look at their sonograms) or God really wants this child to be ok. Perhaps it is naive not to prepare myself for the worst, but after all of this I really do have faith that she is going to be fine. Sure there is a part of me that fears the worst. I saw a little girl in the store this week with her legs in braces and I broke into tears. The fear is there but I choose to have faith that it is going to be ok. My pastor gave a sermon several months ago and said that not believing that God would heal and save the sick and the dying was a lack of faith. Doubting our prayers will be answered was doubting God. Sometimes things don't work out the way we want to but that doesn't mean our prayers weren't answered. Pat asked me a few months ago why God doesn't perform miracles any more. I gave him some convoluted theological answer that made him even more confused. Every time we talked about faith it turns into a discussion about Unicorns. Anyway, I came home yesterday and said he does perform miracles, we just don't realize it sometimes.

I was watching Evan Almighty a few days ago and at one point God says to Evan's wife "do you think when people pray for patience he gives them patience or do you think he gives them the opportunity to be patient?" God's is giving me the opportunity to be strong. I am not sure I am rising to the challenge but I am sure I am trying.

Poor, poor pitiful me

I'm tired, I hurt, and I'm sad. I've run out of the positive end of the rope for this week. It would probably be smart for me not to make this entry but I have no one to talk to. Basically the only people I ever see is my husband, my family on the weekend, and sometimes when I go over to sit in the pool Hunter comes out to talk to me. But now Pat is working like a dog for his master's class so when he comes home I barely get to see him. Its too hot this week for me to be outside so my trips to my parents house to swim are out of the question. I'm lonely.

I don't know how people did this before the internet. How did women in the middle ages not commit suicide during their "lying in period?"At least I can chat with varying people throughout the day on gmail or facebook but despite what MMO nerds think, it is not the same as actual human contact. Those conversations are about a millimeter thick. Even when I do see people, I feel a great deal of anxiety. Summer is starting and everyone is in a good mood. It has been 8 months and no one really wants to hear any more bad news from me. It is easier just to say I'm fine. In the beginning every one wanted to come over and visit me, though I had to cancel half the time becuase I was too busy throwing up. But now everyone has moved on and I am still stuck here. I can't go to the movies, I can't go downtown for taco Tuesday or the Post Hunt, I can't even go on a walk. A few weeks ago I walked from the Aquarium to the Harbor Mall for ice cream and I almost had the baby in the car on the way home. Once a week I can go church or community group or sometimes even a summer BBQ (and I still have to cancel half the time) but I have sit there on the sideline watching everyone else have fun. No one wants to sit quietly with me any more. I understand. Never the less I feel forgotten.

The last two weeks there have been all of these graduation events for the seniors and I went to most of them and watched again from the sideline. Doing so wreaked havoc on my body, but I couldn't not say goodbye to kids I have loved as my own for four years. But now that is over and I can't make excuses for going out and doing things that are dangerous for me and the baby anymore. People keep saying it will be over in two months, but it is hard to believe that. In two months there will be a very small person entirely dependent on me. I'll still be stuck at home alone only with the baby. Great I already have PPD. When she is past that completely breakable stage and life can hopefully reengage, nothing will be the same again. Not becuase of the baby, that is a good change. But I basically lost everything else. I've had to give up so much at school. Everything I have worked for over 4 years. It has all fallen apart and I won't be able to pick up the pieces with an infant at home. And I don't expect that my friendships will snap back into place any more then I expect my body to snap back into shape.

In some ways I feel like the seniors: everything will be different now. Someone always says at Graduation "this is the first day of the rest of your life." At 18 that is exciting. At 29 it is terrifying.

Craft Fare

My allergies are acting up again and I can't breathe even more then usual, so I can't sleep, so it is time to blog...

Being confined to the house again sucks. I get out a few times a week to go dinner or my parents but I have to remain seated (which I don't do well). Once a week Pat takes me to the grocery store and I can last about an hour. Other days I can't even walk to the mail box without feeling like the baby is going to fall out of me. At least I am home. But now we are back to filling up time. I think I have now watched every episode of Top Model, which I don't even like. I have been obsessively playing the Pawn Stars Facebook game, which has been down for the whole weekend, grrrr. What to do? What to do?

Having completed 3 baby blankets, I am now crocheting a big fluffy white one for Scarlett. But that is more like a 2 month project rather then a 3 week one. My goal is to be done by the time she is born. Provided of course that she keeps on cooking. Side note: Pat decided he was going to get in shape before baby makes her appearance. So as I am becoming more hippo like he is getting all buff and skinny. Damn him. He has 10 lbs to go to get back to his pre-wedding weight. He'll surely make it. Do you know how long it takes woman to loose 10 lbs?

Back to the point. A 2 month project is not as satisfying. I like instant gratification. So I went to Michaels one day got a bunch of fake flowers, feathers, and rhinestones and starting making baby hair bows. People seemed to like them so I decided to put some up for sale on Etsy. To visit my store click here. I have no real expectations of selling things but it only costs $0.20 to list an item and it gives me an excuse to make more. If you have never visited this site before stop reading and go check it out. Their motto is "Your place to buy and sell all things handmade, vintage, and supplies." I have spent hours trolling this site looking at all the cleverness that is out there. For example, my friend Jesse, makes these sweet belt buckles and jewelry from old skate boards. Check out Deckhand Designs. I recently bought a diaper caddy in a Dr. Seuss print that I am really excited about. Search Dr. Seuss and you could browse for days and days.

Anyway after perusing around for hours I got inspired to make decorated wipe cases. Pat came downstairs and looked at my like I was crazy. What on earth is the point of having a pretty case for something that is going to be used on a baby's butt? But it kept me busy for at least 2 hours. I've also been inspired to make Dr. Seuss themed letters for the nursery and possibly a tutu or two. I'm making Pat take me back to Michaels tomorrow. This could keep me occupied for months...

A Hairy Situation

Status update: much as predicted, wait and we'll see is the doctor's orders. I saw the midwife on Friday and she said that the contractions caused the baby to move down low and her head is pushing down on my cervix. So I have to go back on bed rest, well modified bed rest, which means I can sit on the couch rather than in bed. I can go out occasionally but I learned over the weekend that if I stand for too long I feel like she is going to fall out and it really hurts. Basically I am to stay off my feet so gravity doesn't do its part in making this baby come early. I have to wear the stupid belly band all the time becuase it will "encourage" her not to go to low. I go back in two weeks and they will re-evaluate.

I think I got a single month of peace. In addition to being "stuck in place" again, I have terrible heart burn and I can't breathe. My diet is restricted again and sleeping is a thing of the past. It is really depressing. I know last week I was all flustered about going back to work but I was really looking forward to getting something of normalcy back. I really want to be a member of society again. I went to a HOA meeting last night and it was the first time I ever enjoyed a meeting. I sit on the board and people fight and there is no pleasing anyone and usually it sucks. Last night I got a real high from it becuase I think it was the first time I have done something productive in like 6 months. But then I came home and felt like crap. I'm starting to realize if I don't do what they tell me I really am going to have this baby 10 weeks early. *Sigh* Pat made me pack my hospital bag "just in case." It is so surreal. This morning I was looking at my ginormous hippo belly in the mirror and I thought "huh, I am pregnant." You'd think I would have accepted that by now.

There is a silver lining here though. I had an ultrasound yesterday. I can report the following: She is in fact head down and very low but she is very active (surprise, surprise) which is apparently a very good sign at this point in the pregnancy. We saw her playing with her hands and yawning. That was very cool. Her organs are all intact and functioning properly. Oh and she has hair. Yes, hair. I can't believe they can tell that on a sonogram but you can, they printed me a picture and sure enough she has hair. Also, according tot he ultrasound tech she is going to be cute. I don't know how she knows that. She does seem to have a cute little nose, but generally speaking newborns are not cute they are kind of creepy looking.

I was very happy to see her yesterday. After all the drama from last week it was reassuring. She actually seemed like a little person and not just an alien. I think I may have teared up a bit when I saw her yawn. Pat is starting to get really excited. He has been pretty nervous but after seeing her yesterday he can't wait to meet her. I am getting teary eyed just thinking about it. Hormones are stupid...At this point all I want to do is hold her in my arms, but not for another 10 weeks, so stay put child!

A Trip to Labor and Delivery

About 36 hours ago I started to feel really terrible. Exacerbated by watching Due Date (that is 2 hours of my life I will never get back). I started throwing up and having other digestive issues. On top of that my back and belly were even more sore then usual. I got no sleep, I just felt wrong. I also have been having a lot of trouble breathing. Part of it, as I mentioned in a previous post, is that my diaphragm is being compressed by uterus. But I also found out on Tuesday that I am anemic from being malnourished for 5 months and that is also contributing to my shortness of breath.

So I got maybe 3 hours of sleep that night and woke up feeling horrible still. I said to my mom I feel like I have the flu. She asked what my symptoms were and I listed the aforementioned and I said my belly is really hard and there is a lot of pressure on my cervix. I realized I was having contractions but I wasn't sure if they were Braxton Hicks, false labor, or the real deal. She says well that could be the flu but it also sounds a lot like premature labor symptoms so I should call the doctor. So I say well I'll wait and hour and see if I feel better, but it occurred to me that the flu wouldn't go away in an hour so I call the doctor. They say come in and don't drive yourself. Of course Pat was in a meeting, mom was at school, and my sister, as usually, was not answering her phone. So I called my friend Mike who instantly came and picked me up (Thanks!!!).

They saw me right away at the doctors, did like a 3 min examination and said go over to the hospital...??? I had sent Mike home thinking I would be at the doctors forever and I would call him or my sister to pick me up later. Fortunately the doctors office is across the street from the hospital and I had brought an umbrella becuase it was raining cats and dogs! I called my mom at school scared out of my mind. And I felt like the bay was going to fall out of me on the walk over. I wondered into the lobby and asked them where labor and delivery was, I felt really stupid. They ask me are you visiting? No, but I might be having a baby. Oh well are we expecting you? Yeah, in two months...

So I have to say props to L&D at HCGH they were quick to see me and very nice. My doctor's office always has a doctor and a midwife in the hospital so they took care of me right away. I was really scared at first and alone but the nurses were very sweet and they told me not to freak out too much and the doctors always send women having contractions over "just in case" rather then doing a complete assessment in the office. That made me feel much better. Wasn't too long before mom showed up. (I need to say thanks to Hunter, my sister's 20 year old bf, who was next door at school working on a like 10 hour engineering practical but said he would come over to be with me if I needed him).

Good news: I did not have a baby. I'm not going to get into all the gory details but basically I had a stomach bug and I became really dehydrated and that caused the contractions. They gave me zofram for the nausea and gave me fluids intravenously and the contracts stopped. Fortunately she is suborn and stayed way up high and refused to come down and be born. Good job Scarlett. Side note, even the L&D nurses were really impressed by her inability to sit still. They had trouble with the contraction monitor and the heartbeat monitor becuase she kept squirming about and moving them.

Bad news: I still feel like crap and I am back on the BRAT diet. I'm so hungry...I was finally able to eat and now its jello and saltines again. Contractions are painful, and I am told they will be worse when I actually go into labor. I feel like I did 1,000 sit-ups last night. I'm also confined to the bed and couch for a few days. As for going back to work next week, who knows. I go back to the doctor on Friday and they will make a decision then, though I fear the decision will be come back in a week and we'll see.

Now the whining. I'm so tired of this. There was a brief moment yesterday when I thought, well at least it might be over. It was brief though. I am glad she is still in there cooking, its just hard. I'm tired of feeling like crap, I am tired of feeling overwhelmed and I am tired of feeling like a failure. I know none of this is my fault, but it feels like I can't get anything right. I can't work, I can't seem to grow a baby properly, and I can't be a good friend, daughter, sister or wife right now either. A friend posted this on my FB today "I promise it's worth it. The first time she smiles at you will make everything else melt away." I am going to end with that, becuase it is more beautiful then anything I can dream up.

Distance Runner

No I am not training for a marathon. I don't get women who continue to work out into their third trimester (Gisele Bundchen). I walk every day and can even swim a bit, but running and kick boxing??? No its not possible. Even pregnancy yoga is kind of a joke it takes like 5 min to get into a position, 5 min to hold, and another 5 to get out. So unless you are doing hours of the stuff its really more for stretching then working out. No "Distance Runner" is a metaphor.

I went to school today. In case you didn't know I am a teacher who has been on medical leave for 4 months. I am hoping to go back this coming Monday and I wanted to pick some stuff up to get myself ready. Today was mostly fine. I was tired when I got home, but otherwise I was physically fine. I will only have 4 classes when I come back (seniors will have graduated). My first period will be left with like 6 kids. I am a little worried about my 5th period which is filled with rowdy 9th graders but I think I can handle it for a month. My second period is going to be a night mare. As far as I can tell they have done nothing but play games for 4 months. I'm not going to bash my sub on the internet, but it just wasn't a great situation. Its not entirely his fault. There is no one qualified to teach my engineering classes. But I don't know how I am going to re-chain leviathan.

Emotionally, going back was another story. 99.9% of the people I spoke to today felt the need to tell me how much things fell apart without me. How was that supposed to make me feel? I think most of them were trying to make me feel needed, but it translated into guilt. Its not like I have been on a pleasure cruise for 4 months. It was not my choice to sit at home in bed. For months I agonized over what I was leaving behind. The stress did physical damage to my health. I had finally got over it only to come back and have it rubbed in my face. Which brings me back to my running metaphor.

This weekend my pastor preached about endurance. He said you don't learn to be patient by laying in a hammock reading a book. You learn by suffering day in and day out and enduring it. Every obstacle we face in life presents us with an opportunity to endure and overcome. It is not the destination that matters but the journey itself. Life is not a 5k it is a marathon. Speed doesn't matter, endurance does.

I truly believe that all of this has happened to me to teach me humility. I've been brought to my knees to be humbled by all that lay before me. In all of my professional career I have never once put my family first. Now, nothing is more important to me. You can't always make lemonade when life hands you lemons. But you can learn to tolerate them. I intend to go back, take my punches, and keep running. I'm just running in a different direction now and at a different pace. Learning to accept that I am now in the 10 min mile group and not the 6 is probably the most important lesson I have ever learned.

Update on Baby Stuff

First some addendum to make:

1. The cheapest way to buy diapers is an Amazon subscription. Pampers has the best deal. Basically you get 30% off by subscribing, meaning they ship them to your house, no shipping fees, at any interval you wish. They email you before they ship them so you can change the size and you can cancel at any time. Target's brand, which people seem to love, is around the same price depending on the size. However, the Target is 20 min from my house and my front door is two steps, 10 if I am upstairs. Gas is about 4.00/gallon these days so I like those numbers. Wipes are about the same deal. Target brand is about the same price as the subscription but we have determined I am lazy and want to save on gas.

2. Formula is hella expensive. Too bad I can't breast feed but I can't so there is no use in crying over spilt milk (no pun intended Super Pat). The word is that store brand is exactly the same as the name brand. Target, Walmart, and Costco all run about $0.50/oz (for powder and it takes one scoops of powder to make 2 oz of milk) and the name brands are $1/oz. Holy crap that is a big difference. They say you can get a ton of coupons for the name brands but if you don't have one...seems like a no brainer. I'd prefer to use Costco's. You can buy it in bulk in the store and the store is 5 min away. But reviews say it is foamy when you first mix it and have to let it settle. Sounds like a lot of work to me. Wal-Mart's brand has mostly really good reviews, but a few people say it smells, stains clothes, and sometimes the powders is chunky. But Wal-Mart is so close and we have a Super Wal-Mart and that is where we grocery shop. Maybe I'll ask Pat what he thinks about it (novel idea, no?). I know lots of people who use Target's and they all seem fine. But again it is 20 min away and I don't go there often. You can buy it online in bulk with free shipping. But Target has a terrible return policy. Not that I plan on doing a lot of returning in the formula department but formula is one of those things that some babies have problems with certain brands. Target's is supposed to be the same as Enfamil and Wal-Mart is supposed to be the same as Similac. So maybe I will buy a few of the individual cans at Target and if it is a problem I will return them and try Wal-Marts...or maybe I should do it the other way around. Oh and one more thing, it does not pay to buy formula in bulk. No Amazon subscription. Which leads one to believe that formula is very expensive to make and the profit margin is not very large. Alas.

3. Trip says he likes the diaper warmer. He has like a two week old and says cold bottoms at 3 Am are not cool (again with the pun). But I am not convinced.

4. I checked out my friend's Graco Meal Time High Chair. She seems to like it and the tray does not seem too difficult to get on and off. But she def puts him in and pulls him out without removing the tray. She likes it becuase the cover is machine washable and it folds up nicely. However, the seat is in permanently reclined back slightly, good younger babies, bad for older ones. Its also $70, $60 less then the one I chose. I could almost buy two for that price, but it only comes in brown, green, baby blue, and pink. I still like the Joovy better.

Now some updates on my baby stuff acquisitions:

I have been hitting up the yard sales pretty hard. If any one knows of some coming up, holler. I have acquired the following: 3 baby bouncers ranging from $5-15 in price, a glider for $25 (the padding has taken a beating and the fabric is worn but these retail at $150, so at $25 it is both extraordinarily comfortable and pretty), two jersey sheets for $5, 3 receiving blankets for $4, a brand new Dr. Brown's microwave sterilizer with two bottles for $5!!!, formula mixing pitcher for $3, a car bottle warmer (none of these work well so I am glad I got one cheap) for $3, and a bunch of clothes...oh the clothes.

When I got the test results back that she didn't have a major genetic disorder I went shopping. It was therapeutic and made me feel excited to be pregnant for the first time. I got a bunch of cute outfits from the Carter's outlet. Big mistake. At yard sales you can get basically all baby clothes for $0.25 a piece. Little babies only wear clothes for such a short period of time that they don't destroy them. Now I have too many and have to skip over this fabulous part of yard sales. Consignment stores and big Mom2Mom sales have clothes ranging from $4-8. Not a great deal but I admit I have bought some of these too. Early on I also bought some used clothes on ebay. Why did I do this? They averaged out to be about $1 each, including shipping and handling but I threw out 3 or 4 becuase of the condition. That is what you get for not seeing the product first. In addition to the clothes I bought. Mike gave me a huge box of hand-me-downs he got from some friend of his. In a million years she could not wear all of them. BTW all of these clothes are 0-6. That could conceivably only last 3 months. I'm hoping to get some more hand-me-downs in the larger sizes. Oh and I will surely get more tiny clothes at my shower.

I have also gotten some cool toys. I don't want a million toys. I have one closet and two storage cubs she can keep them in. Any more then that will go straight to grandmas. I bought this cool dinosaur ball thing for $10. I don't really know how to explain it. You put a ball in one of the holes it lights up, makes noises and then rolls down its neck or tail or through the leg. Sounds kind of creepy but it is really cool. My pekingese agrees. I also got this cool vtech toy, which retail for ridiculous prices, that has 3 parts. First its got this piano/car dashboard (weird combo right?) that makes noises and has buttons and leavers. The baby can play with this on the floor. Then when she is bigger it has a stand so she can stand up and play with it. Finally that stand has wheels so she can push it around. Another $10. Good stuff. She now needs no more toys.

I have also "won" some stuff on ebay (I am including shipping prices). A breathable bumper for $20 which retails at $30. I found out the next week I could have borrowed a friends. I got an itzbeen for $15, retails for $25-30, a Dr. Brown's bottle warmer for $20, retails $40, a boppy for $10, and a softer cover for $10, together retail would be $40+. Ugh I admit I got into a bidding war today for 3 8oz Playtex Drop-In bottles, two new (no box) and 1 used. I paid $11.95, new 12.99. What a shame. I have tried several times to get a Moby wrap but I am only willing to go up to $30 since they retail for $40. I keep loosing to people who seem to be willing to go up to $35 plus shipping...?

Once Upon a Time is a great second hand store with two locations near me. I got a really nice Carter's Swing for $55, retails at $175. It is in perfect condition. I also got one of those leapfrog interactive tables for like $15 which the kids at church seem to love so that is exciting. They also have a lot of new clothes at discount prices. I also got a swaddle me, its pink leopard print. Pat rolled his eyes.

One day I was managing my registry and noticed that Amazon had a Rainforest Activity Mat for $35, plus $8 shipping. I immediately bought it since they retail at $70. After I bought it I realized the vendor had a terrible rating. Upon investigating this person was reviewed as selling not new items. Sure enough mine came in this terrible packaging, without the original box and it was slightly stained, one of the leaves won't come off and had fur on it. I contacted the seller. I got no response. I filed a claim. Yay Amazon, they refunded all of my money. I'd have been really pissed if they hadn't though. When one buys a new item from Amazon they expect it to be new. They seem to know this. Upon rating the seller (Paradise Yardie, DO NOT BUY). She emailed me saying if you thought the thing was so terrible why didn't you return it. Well for one she never contacted me saying to return it and two it would have cost me $30 to ship it back properly. So all in all I am pleased. I got the thing for free.

So far I have gotten a bathtub and a walker lent to me. I still think I am going to get a bumbo, a Bjorn, and a bassinet lent to me as well. We are making great progress.

I get to celebrate Mother's Day?

Today was my first Mother's Day. I hadn't really thought about celebrating it. I feel more like a kangaroo right now then a mother. Though I have started refering to my self as Mommy when I speak to the joey (the proper name for a baby kangaroo) in my pouch. But people kept telling me no you qualify. I'm not very sentimental. I wouldn't have been upset with Pat if he hadn't given me anything. I certainly didn't expect it. But when I came down for breakfast this morning I found a tulips (which remind me of my grandparents) and a card. All sentimental cards are stupid. Honestly what is Hallmark thinking? So its really up to the author to make it special...and it was.

To my mother-to-be,
I love you so very very much. Hope that you enjoy the last Mother's Day that we will spend without our lovely daughter. Next year she will be able to hug you on Mother's Day!
Love, Pat

I can't even type it without crying. I was so emotional about it this morning I couldn't even finish my Special K with freeze dried strawberries (my favorite meal of the day!!!!). We had a nice lunch with the family at the Diamond Back Tavern and they gave roses to all the mothers. I got one too. I guess that makes it official. Of course the pastor was talking about pregnancy this morning...more crying. Then he starts talking about suffering and the contractions start...ugh is it July yet?

Poor pitiful me, I finally am starting to feel better just in time to enter that unbearable part of pregnancy where everything hurts: back, belly, legs, etc. There are no more good night sleeps. There is no comfortable positions. I can't breathe when I lie down (whats that about?). I wake up once an hour to pee (I don't know where its all coming from, I didn't drink a barrel of water). And every time I wake up I am like "oh I don't really need to pee, I'll fall back asleep." Wrong! I don't know why I do that, I know I HAVE to pee. Ugh.

Well all that aside I am still kind of enjoying it. I talk to her. It is kind of weird. I know all women do it, but not being the sentimental type I didn't expect I would. I rub my belly a lot to see where she is and when I find her I pat her. I know its so creepy. When I was at school last week I stopped by a friend's classroom and she came out and asked if she could touch my belly. I said sure! I was shocked. I always assumed I wouldn't be the type to let people touch but apparently I don't mind. I mean she wasn't some random lady in the grocery store but I don't even like hugging people, so the notion that I'd let someone feel my belly is totally strange.

I had another sonogram on Thursday. It went well I guess. She was moving around so much they could barely get a heart beat. But once she turned straight towards the wand and looked right at us! It was both very cool and very creepy. Hi baby! Wait, does she known we're looking at her??? They still couldn't get the measurements off her neck very well but they seemed fairly satisfied with results so I asked, can we not do this every other week any more? How about monthly? No. We need to keep checking to make sure she is not developing abnormally. Ugh (how many ughs is that so far?). I guess no one will ever tell me its just going to be ok. They don't want to get sued. I just want to hold her in my arms and know she is ok. Truthfully, I probably won't really stop being scared till I see her walk and talk and know she really is ok.

A friend of mine had a baby in November and she is the sweetest, cutest, happiest, little thing and I just love her to death. She keeps telling me (Mom not the baby) that I will love mine even more. Its hard to imagine. I can't wait for next Mother's Day...