1. Do not take babies to restaurants. Yeah I know this is virtually impossible. If you must I suggest restaurants in malls or in cities where there are places for you to walk around and not be bored by seeing nothing but cars in a parking lot because 9 times out of 10 you will have to take the baby out. Also call ahead and find out if they have changing tables in the restrooms. Preferably in the men's room so Dad can change her. Imagine this scenario:
You are having a nice lunch with your father at a Sushi restaurant. You baby, the hippopotamus, has eaten her fill of rice, soup, salad, carrots, chicken, and anything else she can get her hands on. Then you notice a brown spot going all the way up her back. Side note, you forgot to bring her a spare change of clothes. It is a small restaurant, it only has one restroom. it is a very nice restroom, the kind with nice folded up towels, marble counter tops and fancy fixtures, and of course no changing table. So you put down the changing pad from the diaper bag on the marble floor and lay the baby on top of it. You try and get her onsie off her with out getting poop all over her, a difficult task under the best of circumstances. Success! The baby's back is poop free! Oh wait but the changing pad is covered in the slimy stuff. Great now what. By the way at this point she is bored with the whole thing and is trying to wiggle away. Quick think on your feet! Turn over the pad so you can at least get her clean. You get the wipes out. You most definitely do not have enough wipes for this level of poopage. Ok so you take some of the nice folded fancy paper towels, wet them and try to clean her off. You finally get the new diaper on and set her aside, oh wait...where do you put her??? The you try and clean up the floor and the changing pad meanwhile saying "baby stop touching the toilet." Also you have been in there for at least 15 mins. People are knocking on the door, eventually it elevates to banging on the door. Finally, baby is clean, pad is clean, bathroom is...clean enough (oh and I hope you have some sort of plastic bag to put her poop soaked clothes). Now you exit the bathroom into the nice sushi restaurant with a baby in a diaper. You return to your seat and say "Dad its time to go." And just when you think you have gotten out, he points out that you now have poop on your butt.
2. Do not take babies to weddings. Oh but your Great Grandmother who can barely travel will be there and she so desperately wants to meet baby.
Tennessee is lovely in May. The weather is nice, the highways are surrounded with wildflowers and blooming trees. In the backseat the baby is screaming, crying, pooping, and throwing things. Side note, road trips are another thing you should not do with a baby but that one seems so obvious that I won't cover it. Who is stupid enough to do that? Picture a nice country club, set on the side of a lush green golf course. People dressed for a spring wedding walk down the path and take their seats. You sit in the back with the baby. It is the only polite thing to do. In case she squirms too much or starts to cry and you have to leave. The music starts, the grandparents start to procession down the aisle and you take baby's favorite stuffed animal to and dance it about keep her occupied. They seat the grandparents. "BABABABABA GUH GUH GUH GUH!" Shhhh, play with your potomus baby. "COOKIE, COOKIE, COOKIE." She isn't going to shut up. Ok fine lets move away some so she can't be heard but we can still see. Don't be stupid mom, I will just be louder so everyone can hear me. Loud enough to screw up the golfer's last putt. Ok fine lets move back to the club house. Cue the puking...It was such a lovely dress and now it smells like regurgitated formula. Finally the ceremony is over, mom gets wine and dad gets baby...no wait she doesn't want dad and I guess we can't let her scream through the reception. Clearly she isn't going to last long so lets get to what we came here for: grandparent time. No she won't let you hold her, no she won't talk to you, no she won't even look at you, it is loud, hot and crowded, and oh yeah...past her bed time. Quality encounter I assure you. Ah it is dinner time, finally. Maybe if we feed the baby she will be more pleasant. Crap buffet line. Ok Baby stay with your aunt and uncle while mom gets you food...hey where is your father? Oh off having a drink with his cousin who lives in Africa...a reasonable excuse I suppose. 3 mins after standing in line you hear "MAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMA" from two rooms over. Ok dad, take your drink to the food line. Now baby sit here at this nice white linen table and eat off this nice white china, no high chair needed. Ooo cake, cake will make the baby happy. She might even let a grandparent feed her the cake. Don't be stupid mom. Ooo music, maybe she'd like to dance. Don't be stupid mom. After two and a half hours you can't take any more. Dad catch a ride to the hotel cuz this train is leaving the station. No drinking and dancing for you mom. No wedding cake or fancy dinner either. Hotel vending machine diet coke, m&ms, and sponge bob. But hey, she got to see her great grandparents!
3. Do not attempt to play Diablo 3.
It is May 15th, 2012. We have been waiting for this day for 10 years. 10 long years. Damn you Blizzard. Damn you.
Step 1 - put baby in car
Step 2 - drive to mall
Step 3 - wait in line at Game Stop with baby in the stroller, attempting to escape
Step 4 - purchase two copies, one for mom, and one for dad, so we can play together (so naive)
Step 5 - drive home
Step 6 - install
Step 7 - put baby to bed and get ready to play....
Day 1 - Game won't run, need new video card.
Day 2 - New video card installed, battle.net down.
Day 3 - Game running, battle.net up, baby teething.
Day 4 - Game running, battle.net up, baby sleeping, dad working.
Day 5 - Battle.net down.
Day 6 - Finally, we play. 30 min into the game we hear "Uh oh." Dad goes in to to check on her. Baby took off her diaper and peed in the bed. Sigh, I give up.
Note to readers: I didn't actually give up but it is June 27th and I haven't even come close to beating it on Nightmare :-(
=D Did you ever beat it on Nightmare? In 20 years you might look back and go Oh, yeah, I never beat that thing... Then your kid will.
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