I'm tired, I hurt, and I'm sad. I've run out of the positive end of the rope for this week. It would probably be smart for me not to make this entry but I have no one to talk to. Basically the only people I ever see is my husband, my family on the weekend, and sometimes when I go over to sit in the pool Hunter comes out to talk to me. But now Pat is working like a dog for his master's class so when he comes home I barely get to see him. Its too hot this week for me to be outside so my trips to my parents house to swim are out of the question. I'm lonely.
I don't know how people did this before the internet. How did women in the middle ages not commit suicide during their "lying in period?"At least I can chat with varying people throughout the day on gmail or facebook but despite what MMO nerds think, it is not the same as actual human contact. Those conversations are about a millimeter thick. Even when I do see people, I feel a great deal of anxiety. Summer is starting and everyone is in a good mood. It has been 8 months and no one really wants to hear any more bad news from me. It is easier just to say I'm fine. In the beginning every one wanted to come over and visit me, though I had to cancel half the time becuase I was too busy throwing up. But now everyone has moved on and I am still stuck here. I can't go to the movies, I can't go downtown for taco Tuesday or the Post Hunt, I can't even go on a walk. A few weeks ago I walked from the Aquarium to the Harbor Mall for ice cream and I almost had the baby in the car on the way home. Once a week I can go church or community group or sometimes even a summer BBQ (and I still have to cancel half the time) but I have sit there on the sideline watching everyone else have fun. No one wants to sit quietly with me any more. I understand. Never the less I feel forgotten.
The last two weeks there have been all of these graduation events for the seniors and I went to most of them and watched again from the sideline. Doing so wreaked havoc on my body, but I couldn't not say goodbye to kids I have loved as my own for four years. But now that is over and I can't make excuses for going out and doing things that are dangerous for me and the baby anymore. People keep saying it will be over in two months, but it is hard to believe that. In two months there will be a very small person entirely dependent on me. I'll still be stuck at home alone only with the baby. Great I already have PPD. When she is past that completely breakable stage and life can hopefully reengage, nothing will be the same again. Not becuase of the baby, that is a good change. But I basically lost everything else. I've had to give up so much at school. Everything I have worked for over 4 years. It has all fallen apart and I won't be able to pick up the pieces with an infant at home. And I don't expect that my friendships will snap back into place any more then I expect my body to snap back into shape.
In some ways I feel like the seniors: everything will be different now. Someone always says at Graduation "this is the first day of the rest of your life." At 18 that is exciting. At 29 it is terrifying.
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