Faith

I've been trying for weeks to write a post and not have it be depressing. I have failed every time I tried. I'm still kind of a mess. Well there is no kind of about it. However, this week brought about some hope so I will share it. Last time I saw the midwives they thought the pain was a result of the dehydration and the anemia and discussed inducing me as soon as I was full term (37 weeks). This week my iron was up and I am no longer dehydrated. So the midwife starts feeling my belly and says "I think you have a cramp." What? She explains that the uterus is a ginormous muscle and can get cramped like any other muscle. She says to increase my calcium intake to 1200mg per day and eat bananas. Applying heat will also help, but to be careful since there is a baby in there. That explains why the baths help. She says if I do this we'll know in 10 days or so if this is the problem and if it is then all will be well. Provided I can still stay hydrated and the anemia doesn't spike up again. This is good, Pat just finished his grad class and we will not be ready for the baby in two weeks (as much as I want her out).

I also got good news during my sonogram yesterday. I've been having these sonograms every two weeks for four months. At first they were looking to see that her organs developed properly, but that should have ended seven weeks ago. I thought they were just continuing to monitor and be thorough. No that was not the case. In the beginning, after the initial scare, I was being seen by a doctor every time who told me exactly what he or she was looking at and what progress she was making. But once the big problems went away and they were just watching her development I saw techs, who legally can't tell you anything. They do the ultrasound and then the doctors look at them later and decide what they think. Well two weeks ago I had a particularly chatty tech who actually read me the doctors notes. It seems her bowels were inflamed and unusually twisted. This was of particular concern since her abdomen was so swollen at eighteen weeks. Dr. Beschat believed it would resolve itself on its own but Dr. Harmon believed she would need to have surgery when she was born to fix it. (This notion created a whole new set of problems that I will discuss at a later date in time.) I've never actually met Dr. Harmon becuase he is always in L&D or the OR. They tell me he has a big bushy beard. Today I waited around and hour for him to finish his procedure to have him look at my pictures. What do you know, the inflammation was significantly reduced and he too thought it would resolve itself.

I have come to the conclusion that one of two things is happening. Either the pernatologists are idiots and are seeing ghosts on the sonograms (which I doubt is the case since they are the best pernatologists on the East coast and people come in from all over the country to have them look at their sonograms) or God really wants this child to be ok. Perhaps it is naive not to prepare myself for the worst, but after all of this I really do have faith that she is going to be fine. Sure there is a part of me that fears the worst. I saw a little girl in the store this week with her legs in braces and I broke into tears. The fear is there but I choose to have faith that it is going to be ok. My pastor gave a sermon several months ago and said that not believing that God would heal and save the sick and the dying was a lack of faith. Doubting our prayers will be answered was doubting God. Sometimes things don't work out the way we want to but that doesn't mean our prayers weren't answered. Pat asked me a few months ago why God doesn't perform miracles any more. I gave him some convoluted theological answer that made him even more confused. Every time we talked about faith it turns into a discussion about Unicorns. Anyway, I came home yesterday and said he does perform miracles, we just don't realize it sometimes.

I was watching Evan Almighty a few days ago and at one point God says to Evan's wife "do you think when people pray for patience he gives them patience or do you think he gives them the opportunity to be patient?" God's is giving me the opportunity to be strong. I am not sure I am rising to the challenge but I am sure I am trying.